Sunday, March 26, 2017

The times that I need a husband...

Most of the time I can get around life alright, I can get a mechanic out to fix my car, I can hire someone to do things for me around the house (or have a friend come help), there are many things that I need a man to help me with but I need a husband when I am scared and not sure what to do.

I've been dealing with an achy tooth since last Friday. I called for an appointment that afternoon and suffered it out over the weekend. I hate taking medication but I made an exception and took some pain killers reasoning that it was only for a short amount of time and that the dentist would fix it on Monday. Well, I went in on Monday and they took a picture, yippie! Then gave me antibiotics and sent me home with an appointment 2 weeks out. Boo. I don't like antibiotics, they mess up the gut microbiome and cause all sorts of problems. So I wanted to avoid taking them. Well I called the Dentist up and asked him if he would take me sooner, he had me schedule something for the next morning. Yay! I went in, had the procedure (which was extra painful for some reason) and I thought it was surly over, nope! My face stayed swollen all week and Friday I discovered an abscess in my gums. So I ran to the doctor to get a shot of antibiotics (less likely to mess up the gut) and I thought that would help. NOPE So now I'm dealing with this weird abscess thing on the side of my gums and it's getting more and more swollen and like it wants to pop. So I try to pop it myself and what do I end up with? No relief, more pain, and WORRY about what the hell is going on and what I should do about it.

At this point I just want someone to say, "I'm taking you to the doctors and getting this fixed." But I don't have that person, I actually didn't have that person with my ex-husband either but that's a different story. I need someone to be calm when I am scared and to take over when I am not thinking clearly. I don't need helpful (unhelpful) comments from the sidelines, I don't need sympathy, I need help.

I guess I wouldn't necessarily need a husband if I had someone else who could help me all the time but dang it I sure miss the convenience of having a sturdy friend/lover to rely on all the time. :/

This is the kind of situation that makes me very, very lonesome and probably less sensible than I should be... :/


Sunday, March 19, 2017


sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
"the victims should be treated with compassion"
synonyms: pity, sympathy, empathy, fellow feeling, care, concern, solicitude, sensitivity, warmth, love, tenderness, mercy, leniency, tolerance, kindness, humanity, charity
"have you no compassion for a fellow human being?"

To me compassion is a root word. It's definition is encompassing of the many human feelings that make relationships work. Without compassion we have coldness, hardness, intolerance, no mercy, no kindness, no charity.

If we haven't experienced a lot of compassion then we might not understand or be compassionate towards others. We may be intolerant of others faults, especially when we are intolerant of our own faults.

I don't know if reiterating this very human concept is going to solve any of the mysteries of human relationships for me, I do know that as much as I want to be more compassionate towards others I often fall short.

It is the loving look in your eyes, your caress, the way you hold me and kiss me that tell me that you value who I am. My defenses drop when I am offered a taste of what I am missing in my life. I've learned that things are not always simple, that beauty is fleeting and that one moment will change into the next, ultimately we come back to ourselves and we must be compassionate for the quiet soul who resides there.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Growing up

The question we all ask ourselves when we are growing up and that others ask is "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I think that question is flawed, we can't peer into the future and see what kinds of opportunities are available to us, we have certain aspirations sometimes but that doesn't necessarily mean that if we pick something when we're little that we will get to do that. 

It's not impossible for a kid to pick out what they want to do, certainly, but it's improbable. I think that the most important thing is to set a goal and start to work towards the goal but pay attention to the opportunities. If an opportunity comes along it may be disguised as a hard or difficult experience. I certainly wouldn't have guessed that I would be going down this road to having my own little recording studio and dance studio. The path that took me here was a broken heart. If I dwell on that, especially the anger that I feel at times, then my progress is impeded. I have to let the bad feelings go in order to let the good ones in. I'm really excited! We are so close to being done! This whole crazy, wild project has been the most fun I have had in a long time. :)

Goodnight Internet land


Tuesday, February 28, 2017

My Two Grandmothers

I'm here to tell you about my two Grandmothers. Grandma C and Grandma D,their last names literally started with C and D.
Grandma C was an upstanding career woman. She was the head operator for Mountain Bell before her retirement. She helped to form the Orem Womens Club and served as club president several times. She always had perfectly coifed hair, well maintained nails and dressed in a classic style that was timeless. She smelled of Chanel and always had a tic tac in her pocket for a kiss on the cheek. She raised two boys who were 10 years apart in age due to the fact that my Grandpa served during WWII. He took a bullet on D-Day recovered in France then went back out, only to get hit again and sent home. Grandma came from a good family, she lived with her parents during the war and took care of her mother. She took care of her Young Women when she was a leader, made them all quilts. I strive to be like my elegant, caring, well organized Grandma C.

However she's not the only Grandma that I knew. I knew Grandma D for 4 years, she was hit by a drunk while on a walk with my mom the day after my fourth birthday. My Grandma D was a strong lady, she raised 9 kids by herself after Grandpa D left. They were poor, so poor that my mom talks about sewing her own clothes and remaking others for herself. They all lived in the red house in Provo. Garden out back, unfinished basement. My grandmother used to sew as well. She made me a Raggedy Ann doll, she made them for all of us girls. She made other kinds of dolls and clothing for us grandkids. I had a beautiful, multi-colored yarn blankie that she made me with a silky yellow edge. She made one for my dolly as well. We lived with Grandma D, I loved her and thought of her as my only Grandma... Until she passed away. Then I was confused, I kept hoping to see her again, but she never came. We moved to a new place and I was daydreaming outside with my blankie as company but when I was called in suddenly I forgot it, I forgot about it all night. The next morning I woke up in a  panic and flew to the backyard to look for my blankie but it was gone. I was inconsolable! First my Grandmother and then my blankie! I was told that my Grandmother was going to take me to the store to buy a new one. But it was Grandma C and not D that came through the door to take me, who was this imposter!? I reluctantly went with her but we couldn't find a multi-colored blankie with a silky yellow edge... We found a yellow one with a yellow edge and that had to do.

These are my two grandmothers. I admire both of them, both strong, beautiful and gracious women.


Friday, February 24, 2017

Molly Mormon No More

For most of my life I have wanted a nice home and a happy family. I was the puritanical "Molly Mormon" doing everything I could to learn skills that would come in handy during the impending doomsday. I learned how to grind wheat, make bread, can and pickle... Cook all sorts of things. I wanted to home school my kids, teach them the way to be. Hold Family Home Evening every Monday, go to church on Sunday... Do my visiting teaching, have the visiting teachers over. All of the Mormon puritanical ethos I embraced. Pure in deed, thought and modest in dress. All of my beautiful, idealistic beliefs went 'POOF!' when I had to question everything about how I was eating (asking why I was sick from a perfectly normal diet) and then in that questioning everything mode I questioned every belief that I had previously held. Aggravating to my faith was the continual push that I felt to stay with an abusive, manipulative husband that I should have left many times over. Then I got pushed out into the cruel and unforgiving workforce when I decided to be strong and divorce my husband. I wasn't prepared, smart and educated, yes, practical experience, no. It's been a long road.... Tonight I am going out with my friend Rita to a place that plays live music... Can you believe that I have never had a friend to go out with like this? I have had cousins but not friends. This is new for me, infinitely different from the "Molly Mormon" that I once was... Yet still deep down I miss that ideal...


Value and Trust

I believe that we place a value on ourselves based on several things, our family, our social economic status, our education and I think in many ways our self value is helped or hurt by the things that happen to us.

I feel like I have been racing my whole life to catch up, always a bit behind the class so I was put into what they called 'resource.' This was an embarrassing program to be put into, the perception among the kids in the school is that there was something wrong with you if you were in resource.

I am not sure why I've always been a bit behind... I think though that it has to do with perfectionism. I've always thought deeply about things and while I was off thinking deeply the other kids had moved onto other things.

This trend has plagued me, on through every aspect of my life. I've felt under prepared as a mother (of course I was since I started young). I felt under prepared for college... I was, I had to start with my elementary school math book in order to get up to speed with math. It's still a difficult subject for me. I was under prepared for graduate school... Under prepared for the workplace (terribly). All of this has left a mark on me, the feeling that I am not as good as others. That if I could only learn enough about important things like math and the workplace then I will be accepted.
Well that aspect of my life is a big part of under valuing myself.
The next big thing that makes me under value myself is my social economic status, not rich.
Then... Being rejected by the one person I chose to be with.
There is a part of me burning to fix all of my perceived short comings, so that I can prove that I am worth more than what I perceive my value to be at.

It's this desire that has me frustrated over being rejected. It's like someone recognized my shortcomings and decided that I wasn't worth being with. It's not like I logically don't know that being with someone who cannot talk through things and forgive me for my shortcomings is to be in a bad situation... I know that being out of and away from that is better for me. But it is the rejection, the sheer, utter rejection that is eating me up inside. I thought I had found 'the one' but that beautiful feeling of being close to someone slipped through my fingers into the sands of time.

So I've taken a good look at my motivations for wanting to be friends with my ex. The motivation has been a hope that in some small way he would acknowledge that I am someone he is sorry to have lost. Thus mitigating in a way the rejection. 

I realized that I can't live my life going forward trying to get that acknowledgement from him. I realized that he doesn't value me as a person and I don't need to be waiting for him to do so. I just need to let it go. With that clarity I took to Facebook to un-friend him and most of his family (except the one sister-in-law who loves and supports me). I'm not sure if having a conversation with him about this decision is just another way I would be seeking acknowledgment or not so I'm leaving that decision to another day.

It has been a waste of time and created a misinterpretation of my motives trying to gain that acknowledgement to prove myself worthwhile. But I was persistent because I was trying to get a reaction from him that I expected but wasn't getting.

Something that is becoming clearer is how untrustworthy he was. Trust is built through revealing some of yourself to the other and being vulnerable, you can't trust someone who doesn't reveal anything about what they are thinking, feeling and/or doing.

Anyway it's getting late. Good night internet land.


How a nice girl can turn mean

I've always striven to be nice, or lets say I have always wanted to be well liked and I thought that being nice was the way to achieve that. I feel what I perceive others are feeling pretty deeply and that's always put me in the position of trying to see things from other peoples point of view.

On the other hand I get overwhelmed by other people at times and disconnect from them a lot. I used to have the habit of getting wrapped up in the outcome of other peoples choices and I guess in a way my best intentions of love and concern for them were also wrapped up in a bit of judgment that they were not doing things, life I guess, the way I thought they should. My happiness was so wrapped up in other people that I resented them and their mistakes vs. Loving them despite their mistakes.

All that being said, I over analyze, myself and others motivations and intentions. So although I am trying to be nice and a good person I fall short sometimes... Often.

I think that human beings can get so wrapped up in keeping score that we can get caught in a cycle of pettiness. Doing little things to even the balance on the score card. We feel resentful for doing so much and not being appreciated that we will do little things to take back some of the good things that we feel that we contributed to the relationship. Or get back at the other person for the hurts that they have dealt us.

At least in some ways I think that is what has happened in these final stages of my relationship with my ex-husband. I felt resentful in the hurts I was dealt, the mistrust I was shown, in a way fulfilling his perception of me as someone to not trust. I left our pictures in the bedroom of the condo we shared together, and other mementos because I wanted him to feel some of the pain that he had inflicted on me. I also insulted his hobby of doing a radio show because I thought he was talking badly about me. I feel bad about being pretty and I feel bad for trying to get more of a reaction from him. Perhaps I was a bit more blatant because I know that he doesn't show his reactions and I just wanted to see something of the pain I've been feeling...  Not nice, I truly know it.

I want to be genuinely kind and that is hard to do when lashing out in pain. How have you overcome this problem? Or have you? Let me know in the comments.


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Foolish Sunday

Again I've had to learn the lesson that it's sometimes better not to know what other people are thinking about you.

It's a bizarre world that we live in. Our sense of self, our self identity, is developed through our interactions with others. Yet if we allow our identities to be developed entirely upon what other people think of us then we could end up with a very distorted sense of who we are. Some people really like us, some do not. Some think we are proud, others humble. Some think we are attractive, others do not. Really in this world there is so much subjectivity that if the determination or agreement upon every matter of opinion had to be reached then we should just live in a world of all is null and void. No opinion matters and nothing matters.

But we live in this world where there has to be a balance of identification with others points of view and our own, a reconciliation of the facts so to speak. When one side of the equation becomes unbalanced then all sorts of grievous errors in judgement can take place.

There also has to be a balance between what we let other people know about us, what we tell the world, reveal and what is kept hidden. If all were laid bare then the thought is that other people could then make a fair judgement of who we are and their opinion of us would be valid. In point of fact though it is impossible to outline and relay all that there is to know about our lives, our past, our motivations. In some sense we can find that while one person understands what we are relating, another person does not and that has a lot to do with their background, familial and experiential.

The process of forming relationships is tenuous, especially when you tend to overthink things like I do. It is extremely upsetting to get wrapped up in a misinterpretation of someone else's words and motivations, especially third hand.

I spent a rather foolish day crying and being upset on Sunday. I'm not proud of the way I handled the perception that someone I cared about thinks of me as a manipulative know it all. I don't even know if that's true. What is true is that I don't have any idea what other people truly think about me, and I probably am better off not knowing.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

Focusing Lens

I have been lost to myself for a while now. Disconnected from the people and things that make me happy.

Today I spent quite a lot of time with my Dad, brother and son. We didn't sit and talk but our time was spent in action, getting the materials to finish up the dance studio/audio recording studio. It was a relief to have them around, I have been isolating myself from other people... mostly because I've been trying to get so much done at the house and everyone tends to gravitate to my parents house.

Another thing that's made me feel disconnected is having so many things in a state of disarray. Things that make up pieces of my character have been in boxes and bags in disorder. I took the time to unpack my books today, I love my books, old books, popular, historical, informative (subjects like Excel, sql, EFT trading etc.), cook books, health books, exercise books... unpacking them made me realize how I like to collect information.

I keep coming back to the same interests and themes in life and I am hopeful that with this fresh start I will be able to pull the pieces of myself together.

No wonder I've been feeling so disconnected and lost. It feels like a lens has been placed in front of my eyes and I can see all that has been wrong for me and what is right for me.

Have a good night internet land.


Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Annie Melissa - Strawberry Girl

I was born and raised in the Provo, Utah area. My mother taught me the basics of cooking, my father handyman and scouting basics.

My parents value knowledge and I gravitated to learning early on. I love to create order out of chaos, and I am interested in a wide variety of subjects. Very straightforward and determined I was able to attend school, despite the setbacks I faced of being a young mother. I wanted my children to grow up with a respect for education and did my best in school, receiving the 'Dean's Merit Scholarship' and ranking on the Dean's List and graduating Cum Laud from Utah Valley University in 2006, majoring in Accounting. I had the opportunity to go back to school in 2014 and graduated from the MBA program at Utah Valley University, August of 2016.

I have stacks of books that I will probably never find the time to read, though I have read many of them. I feel that books hold the potential seeds of greatness and I love the power that they have to change hearts and minds. I always gain a new perspective when I read of another persons life or get a refreshing sense of new imagination from reading fiction.

I have many hobbies. My mother taught me how to sew and the fundamentals of cooking. I have used these skills creating clothing (when my kids were little) and good meals. My favorite cooking creations have been the most challenging, lasagna, spaghetti, and Tamales all from scratch. I learned alternative ways to cook when I faced food allergies, it is an ever evolving skill.

I love to dig in the earth and help good things to grow. I spend a lot of time in the summer outdoors, gardening, it always brings me joy!

Music is an ever evolving flavorful experience for me (in a similar deep sense that cooking is an evolving skill). There is so much out there to evoke emotion. to uplift and to mellow. I love music, the exception being rap which I just can't seem to develop a flavor for.

Art is also a passion, I love to paint and draw! I am a copier for sure but that's how talent is developed.

Travelling has been a surprising and wonderful thing for me, I never imagined I would be able to visit some of the places that I've been, Australia, Ireland and Germany. All beautiful, and interesting in their own ways.

I've always thought it would be wonderful to narrate a book, or to do other recording and to that extent I'm setting up a space for that in my new home.

That is me, passionate about life.

Annie Melissa - a.k.a. Strawberry Girl