The thing of it is, I am not what I consider to be a fully developed person. I am unversed in the world, I have known no one, I know nothing (so to speak) and my actions are those many times of ignorance.
I want to be known, as a person, the spirit emanating from me. I don’t want to be subjectively viewed as the body to which I belong.
Unfortunately I don’t know myself, my own mind. My opinions are not formed, I only know impressions of what I want. The only way that I am still the same, that I am ever the same is that I don’t consider myself “done” and so I want to learn more, I want to learn and learn. Language, politics, government, history. Cooking (I have learned quite a bit), sewing, quilting, I am not done.
I am a person tied to obligations, my family. If I could I would suspend time and space I would confine my children to where they are right now and I would learn all I could until I became more confidant that I have learned well and that learning is not the burden that it seems now. Learning is the fruits of living though, perhaps I am greedy? I know I cannot confine time and space and I am obligated to get along as best as I can with what time I have. I know I waste time, sometimes I am uninspired and sit waiting for something to happen. I wish I could feel as I do now all of the time, proactive, searching, trying.
Oh well such is life. Right now I have decided to try and take on a list of 100 classic books that they made available at the library, plus I want to learn Latin, perhaps that will help me learn the variety of languages that I want to learn. I read a phrase in the book “The Magic Mountain” where he states that a person who sits at his table sits as though he were deaf because he didn’t know any language to speak to those around him, only his native language which wasn’t German or French. I feel like this at times, deaf to the world.
Well I had better be off, I am wasting my time again contemplating the universe.