Friday, December 12, 2008

Sorry dear friend...

I've been reading my friends blog. It's full of her family and her daughter, her sweet little girl that is about the same age as mine. Her daughter has Down Syndrome and she has always been the sweetest little thing (although I do recognize that she sometimes gets really cranky, but that's normal for any baby). The problem was I didn't know what to say to my friend about her daughters Down Syndrome, her baby looks really normal and only slightly Down Syndrome so I didn't quite know and didn't want to say anything if I was wrong, so I made stupid comments. I guess that is one of the things I need to work on, being a bit more forthcoming and open with people.

I've also realized that I need to do more things with my own daughter, poor kid, I don't bring her to any of the fun things that my friend does. I guess I have always been like that, going out has always brought on a great deal of anxiety. I hate being late to things and have this irrational fear that I won't ever get to something on time and then I will feel lame. I like spontanious things for that reason, well actually... sometimes I don't like that either because I like to be at home cleaning and not having to deal with other people. Strange because I deal with people just fine, but that is just what comes to mind when I try and evaluate what bugs me about going out. I remember one time going with my oldest son, then 6 months, to Missouri for a confrence with Primerica. It was a nightmare, the guy who was our sponser told us (my friend and I) that he had tickets for us and seperate hotel rooms for women and men and that all turned out to be wrong. We went from the airplane to the confrence center and stood around while he tried to sort out the tickets. Meanwhile my son was crying and his diaper was wet and somehow his diaper bag ended up with the luggage sent to the hotel. So I caught a cab and was astounded by how much it cost to go to the Marriot and didn't know that there were two of them. So I ended up in the other Marriot then the one we were staying at and my son was bauling by this time so I found a chair and fed him (breast fed) in the lobby, totally embarrased. Then I talked to the staff and they offered to let me ride on the shuttle that went between the two hotels. When I got over there I went up to the room and found out the sleeping arrangements and by this time it was late. I couldn't figure out how to breastfeed with a bunch of unknown men sleeping on the floor around the bed. So I got up and went into the lobby where I called my mom collect and she thankfully bought an airplane ticket for me first thing in the morning. I spent a sleepless night in the hallway (they had a spot with telephones and chairs) and then went to the airport the next morning to fly home. I was only 17 at the time so that explains part of the flaw in logic. I felt so bad that my mom had to spend money on a plane ticket for me, now I know why she did it. What I have noticed though from this and other times I have travelled was the great pressing fear that comes over (or I should say used to come over me) when I would travel to far from home. I have noticed now though that the fear is gone since I adopted a gluten free diet. We went to Wyoming and it is always interesting to me to look around with a clear head and feel the difference betweens situations that are similar to experiences that I have had before and to note the difference in how I feel. This time (on my trip to Wyoming) even though I had a head cold and my baby did as well, I still did not encounter the brain fog, and the gripping fear that followed me on trips like this before. It is terrible to me that so many people live what they think to be normal lives when they could be influenced by allergy's. I never thought that it was an allergy, I just thought that everyone felt that way to some degree or another and that other people were just more talented or more outgoing than I was.

Maybe I will write a bit more on my tumultuous adult life, maybe no one would believe me about half of it.

But I do want to appologize again to my friend and her daughter. She is an amazing woman!! Plus I need to get some sleep, I am still going through this m/c, although I feel better in some ways.

~Strawberry Girl

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