Friday, January 9, 2009

Did I Sign Up for this?

In the LDS religion we talk of a pre-mortal existence, that we lived with our Heavenly Parents before we came down to this earth. I wholeheartedly accept this, it is a truth that I feel, not something that I have seen.

We often talk about how each of us have different talents and abilities and that our personalities have been the same since before we were born. Thus a loving Heavenly father talked with us about what our lives would be like down on earth.

Some of us had certain talents and abilities that fitted them to be leaders, like the great men on the earth George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, Leonardo Da Vinci and many others. They were put into positions were they would be able to do certain things that needed to be done on the earth. Most of their lives were not necessarily easy though.

Abraham Lincoln suffered with depression and hardships, he came from humble circumstances and taught himself how to read, became a lawyer and later a politician and then the President. George Washington also suffered many trials in his life, and what impresses me the most about him is that he stood firm and did his duty even though he would have preferred to be a private person he served his country.

So did God leave out the rest of us? Or have we become so mired in our own troubles that we cannot see the great possibilities that our own lives hold. Is there really any point in sitting around asking, "why me?" or feeling the inevitable inadequacy that I have felt before thinking that if I have been sent here to do some kind of work then can I possibly do it? and what the heck is it anyway? All I know is that we can only go forward by trying to do the right thing and then living our lives with positive intentions.

It's interesting, I read an article just yesterday about intentions. It asks us to think about what we "Intend" to do with our lives. About not living your life half asleep, but thinking about what your life should be.

So my question is "Did I sign up for this?" Did I know that I would have depression for most of my life? Be dizzy all of the time and not able to think clearly? Did I know that I would become a young mother and wife? Did I know I would struggle so much because of it?When I go through things in my head, my whole life, I can see I have been fighting.

Fighting off the depression, fighting off the fatigue, fighting and asking questions about what I needed to do. When I found out about the Gluten intolerance I fought to figure out what to eat, how to cook again, even what food I should store.

I fought off my family's ignorance and even hatred (felt like it anyway) that I had decided to stop eating stuff with gluten in it. They really thought I was nuts, my mom really resented me because I kept bringing different food to eat for Sunday dinner. I still can't get any of them to get tested for it because they are scared about what it means for them. It is frustrating because they all show signs that a gluten free diet would help them, especially my brothers. My older brother has Autism, my younger two have ADD, both disorders are helped from a gluten free diet.

I have also been fighting to "Feel" normal. I knew that other people had something that I didn't. What they had was a clear head (unless they to had problems with gluten and many people do). When people stand, you can tell if they feel good, if they have confidence. When you talk with people you can tell if they are quick witted or if they are fuzzy headed. Now that the gluten is gone, I can stand and speak confidently. I can look people in the eye and follow what they are saying, where before I would have to concentrate really hard. I am confident with store clerks, people in government, basically anyone.

The difference is really, really clear to me because of the experience that I had of eating so much wheat/gluten at one time. When I ate so much of it, that I became really weak (I wrote about this before) I remember going to the store to return something. I could hardly look anyone in the eye, I was acting like I was guilty or something. Even the guy helping me with my return, I actually felt inferior, as crazy as that sounds. I will go off another time on how food chemically effects your body (I have run the spectrum and it's weird, believe me).

So even though I probably knew what my life would hold I came down to the earth anyway. I fought and lived. I had four kids, 11 miscarriages, finished high school, got an associate’s degree in behavioral science (again to figure out what was wrong with me) then a BS in Accounting.

Now I find myself here, facing the future where I don't know how we are going to live because the only thing that my husband can do is run heavy machinery and do concrete work. I plan to fight!! To Work!! I am going to teach my kids and garden. Plant fruit trees and grapevines, work if I have to. Can food, sew quilts, use handkerchiefs instead of Kleenexes, etc.

I can do it, I am a fighter.

I am grateful for my life! I would not be who I am without going through what I have. I wouldn't see things the way that I do, I wouldn't have the children that I have and if I have to I will even protect them from their Dad. He's had a hard life, I know, but there are limits and there are things that a good man should do. He knows what they are, but since he has not had the model growing up, he has to figure out how to stop wallowing and get up and fight for the good things in life, and also stop the bad behaviors, he's trying. I am a compassionate person but I do have my limits, this year had better be different.

Did I sign up for this? YES!! I will not drop the ball and run. I will do it because that is who I am.

You can do, what you need to do as well. Think about it, and keep trying.

~Strawberry Girl

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