The idea I had of myself before now was so chaotic. I usually did things that I liked, but felt like I had to do other things because I didn't feel adequate in what I was doing. First I had to figure out how to be healthy, then I had to get rid of everything in my life that was a burden to me (books that deep down I knew I would never read, clothes that I knew I would never wear, things that I really didn't need etc.). Like Simba from the Lion King, I didn't even know who I was. Now I know, but I feel a bit like a baby because I have been stumbling around so much that it is now my challenge to develop, finally, who I am.
I looked through some drawings and paintings that I did in high school, it used to be that I didn't want to do art because my cousins "did" art and I didn't want to appear to be copying them. Now I can see that I really did enjoy art, and I think when I have a moment I will pull out my half used art pads and start drawing again.
This also happened with writing, a little bit with sewing and definantly with home decorating (though I still can't justify spending too much money on it).
I have written of course my New Years Resolutions but I want to list some character resolutions that I want to develop this year.
I want to be more:
Honest, frugal, dependable, on time to meetings, consistent, thoughtful, helpful and caring
I want to learn more about:
Politics, history, economics, *teaching and entertaining children*, art, sewing, excersize and to a lesser degree than last year health and cooking. I also need to study the gospel more.
I want to take my interests, study companies to work for, talk to people and find somewhere where I will enjoy working. Unfortunantly it doesn't look like I will get to stay home with my kids, but I am going to fugure out how to be there for them and get what I need to get done as well. My mom has worked most of the years that I was growing up, so she wasn't home when we got there, she wasn't there emotionally either. She has always been depressed, she would make a box dinner and then go to her room to lay down and read. Our home was always messy and chaotic. She spent Saturday's cleaning, but never got things under control, she still hasn't. That's why I shouted hallelujah when I found out that gluten was making me depressed and cut that big fat sucker out of my life. Even further proof for me is I just recently stopped eating the millet that I had foreign grains in it and my mind has become even clearer. I think that the bag of millet I bought is contaminated by wheat so I have to hold off on eating it until I can buy the certified gluten free millet that I found online. It's $100 for a 50 lbs. bag though so it's gonna be a while before I can buy it.
Well enough for now.