Sunday, February 8, 2009

Illusion of Control

I was feeling a lot happier earlier today, then I did a stupid thing, I ate pork ribs with microwaved veggies at my mom's house. I rinsed the sauce off the ribs (I have problems with tomato sauce sweetened with HFCS) but it still gave me a headache. I kind of got over that but now I just feel kind of down, but part of that could be thinking about the economy. I've been reading a book called "Stumbling Upon Happiness." In what I have read so far the premise about happiness that he is putting forth is that happiness comes somewhat from a sense of control. That makes sense to me, as right now my sense of control is totally missing from my life it creates despondancy and sadness in me. My way of regaining control is being stricter with my diet and cleaning. Since I have four kids I have a lot of stuff to clean but they quickly erase any dillusion that I might have that I can control how clean my environment can be. My "clean" house poofs on the wind as soon as I cease to be picking things up, washing dishes and telling the kids to clean (also an illusion of control because they don't really follow through very well on what they are supposed to clean). Yeah so my diet is usually what I turn to. Luckily for my body I am no longer a Weight Watchers junkie and am not counting every point that I eat. Also Lucky for me is that I know what to eat to help calm myself down and deal with stress. For instance I know that Banana's and milk, cheese and apples, nuts and apples, 72% and up dark chocolate, Roobios tea, chamomile and tulsi tea are all calming. Unfortunanatly they don't solve the problem of a messy house, that I can't get clean; a good but not great resume; owing a lot of money (not my fault, but our business did terrible last year); and no money coming in. Plus to me this is annoying, and probably a lot of other women, it doesn't matter how healthy I eat my body has a mind of it's own. I don't get "overweight" eating like I do, but I won't get toned unless I make an extrodinary effort to get out and do it. There are some girls in my church going to run at the indoor track nearby on M, W, and F but they go at 6 a.m. and the first and last time I tried that I woke up at 5:40 and went to their house for a ride then exercised (I think ineffectively because I hadn't started to track anything) and it left me extremely grumpy. I know I need to get my two year old to go to bed earlier, I just haven't been able to do it yet. That would help with being able to wake up earlier, but I did read an article about not waking up earlier than 7 because your body hasn't made enough melatonin or something like that, so it will make you grumpy to wake up early, good excuse? I think so. So... I keep looking for someway to improve my resume/find a job/save or earn money and cleaning and exercising and eatting healthy. Am I going to regain control? Maybe not, but maybe I will regain the illusion of control. Hopefully it will be enough.


Bunsy said...

Good luck on finding control. I'm not so good at it either and I wish I were. I'm sure my husband wishes I was too. I guess the only thing we have control over is whether we choose to be happy or not. I read a book called "Survival in Auschwitz" by Primo Levi. It taught me that even though life may take everything away from you and it seems like you have no choices left or not control over your life left, its not true. You always have a choice to be happy or not. I wish I could apply that to my life a little better though. I love reading your reflections by the way. They are so honest. It's comforting to hear real thoughts.

Strawberry Girl said...

Thanks "Bunsy," I read Viktor Frankl's Book Man's Search For Meaning, it's the same idea. I will have to check out the one by Levi. Plus I am glad to hear that my thoughts help someone else. :0)