What follows is from a somewhat befuddled mother who spent the night rocking and rubbing her two year old with a hurting ear.
Listening to her incesant cry... which didn't really stop all night.
Rocking her in my arms, rocking her on my knees. Half asleep, half awake. Nursing her in the early morning hours. Then dragging my self out of bed at her request to get her a drink of water (downstairs of course and I had to carry her along).
Somewhere between the third or fourth glass of water (at two or three in the morning) I wrote the other post that I did on mothers day.
Somewhere between the hours of three or four in the morning while I was using an electric back messager on the outside of her ear and watching her sleepy dazed look as she desperately moved the massager around on her ear, I started reflecting.
Some time between then and nine in the morning I cut one of her sisters old antibiotic tablets in half and crushed it, added water to it then made Roxie drink it. (Don't tell the authorities on me, i'll take her to the doctor tomorrow.) :D
(I also randomly recall making some herbal tea's - Pau D' Arco and Holy Basil with added astralagus root, rose hips, and raspberry leaf, to strengthen the immune system and eating garlic infused butter (two cloves) on rice crackers with a bit of raw honey... uh, I don't know how that idea slipped in there but I've had garlic breath all day). :D
Been in a dazed stupor all day, sleeping as I sat at the table, sleeping as I went to the Tongan "eating," (they had taro root, lu shipi, and curried shipi which I used to cover my taro root and rice... plus some other stuff. Stuff that involved cheese covered fish? Flaked crab mixed with something, various cabbage dishes - which I passed on cause' it's not good for my particular tummy. Plus they had some Faka kai - such a yummy dessert involving a type of flour dumplings and carmalized coconut milk. I used to live for that stuff... but I can't eat it now unless they do it with tapioca flour, but then the mix it with spinach or something... it's just a bit weird but still tastes yummy.) I Begged to be brought home early though I love those guy's, I was not good company, and found I couldn't sleep.
So I went out to lay in the tall grasses to feel some sun shining down on me. Then came in and was almost ready to sleep... when I had to go with the family to my mom's. That went alright, mom corralled the boy's into doing there duty, and I have been sitting around pondering the universe and all that is in there in...
Here are some of my ponderings today... (of course it's all a bit long because I tend to ramble when restlessly tired). :D
What is it that we are looking for? For fame and success? Who defines these things... what defines them? The amount of recognition that you receive, the amount of friends? The amount of work that you do, the quality...?
It seems to me that I am always trying to reach a place inside of me that is true and unique, being able to accept that person. Why is it that we hide our true selves? Is it for protection? Is it because we don't really accept that person who was us in the beginning and will be there through our whole lives until we are buried in the grave?
It is an odd feeling, hearing my daughter talk of things that I remember doing. Experiencing things that I have done, and yet it is in an exclusive way, as though I am ignorant of what she is thinking and feeling. I guess I couldn't really grasp that concept either when I was her age, that my own mother knew what I knew.
Star talked about awakenings in her story about her childhood visit to her Grandparents. We all feel those I believe. It is scary though to be standing here, watching my beautiful little daughter, praying that she will be able to find sense in her head before she finds herself in the position that I was in, married at 16.
I was not prepared, not at all. For the most part I played house and babysat, trying to make sense of my life. It wasn't until after I was about 25 that I started to have an idea about who I was, a vague one. Funny that my mom told me and my cousin to wait until after we were 25 to get married. How old that sounded to us then, what was the desperation that clung to my heart to leave the home that I was in. I guess I was a scared little girl. Somewhat scared that if I waited until then then nobody would want me, scared that no one would ever want me at the time those were my thoughts. Why do we all struggle with this?
What makes me sick is television shows that glorify teenage pregnancy. When did the tide turn from trying to stop the problem to making it seem like an interesting part of the normal teenage life. That's what has been strange to me about the phenomenon of teenagers cutting themselves as well. I never heard of it when I was growing up. It's as if "dealing" with the topics on television gives them legitimacy, normalizes rather than reduces the problem. A lot of what they show on television bothers me anyway.
I can't remember which show, I think it was "Rachel Ray," (because I occasionally get a chance to watch her show) they were discussing some new "reality" TV shows that were being proposed. One of which was the idea of a company that was facing the possibility of layoffs, having a group of employees sit down together, look at everyone's salaries and employment histories and then deciding "who should go." My word!! Where is the decency anymore?
This is sort of like the TV show which used a lie detector test to show if the contestant was lying and then asking probing questions like "have you ever cheated on your spouse?" and any other probing question that they could think of.
I guess I have been in a reflective mood today. Thinking about my own motivations, what type of person I am and who I want to be. I've been thinking about my writing... that it needs to come from the inner self or it can seem disingenuous.
I think that the possibility exists where I can write, and write well but not be completely into what I am writing. For the most part stuff that I have written on my blog has been really in depth, coming from the real me.
But there have been times when I have tried to write, to impress someone I guess or to fulfill an assignment or even to create something to feel worthwhile... like I can create something that will be so impressive that it will be published.
I guess that in some ways these reasons are not bad per say, but I feel that when I am writing something that comes from a feeling that I have about the world, that it reaches people a lot more than writing for another reason. Which is why I suppose that I can't write sometimes when I am tired or uninspired.
Yadda, yadda, such are my thoughts.