Sunday, July 25, 2010


Honesty is the best policy, at odds with this though  are certain desires, desire to save face, desires to protect others, even desires to protect others from our unvarnished opinions. Unvarnished opinions that we know to be an incomplete picture of reality.

Children are honest, they tell you outright what you wish were hidden but which is not. They know when people are lying, they know when they are insincere, they know if you're sick, if you're sad, if you're hurt... yet they lack understanding, so they often will blurt out the obvious, that which we wish were hidden.

We can't really hide... it's just that when we get older we all play a game where the truth is not spoken, where you and I both know that such and such is wrong but we mutually avoid saying so.... it's more convienient.

We've all been hurt

Honestly, I care

I can see the hurt and pain

I know what those defenses are

My dad is watching an old cowboy movie, an Abot and Costello comedy "Ride em' Cowboy."

Those old fashioned shows are so beautifully simple, so idealistically easy.

I've spent my life chasing some ideal vision of myself. I wrote once that I would like to be the kind of person that was accepted. A lady, someone who could walk up to anyones door and knock, they would open the door and they would listen to what I had to say. They would see the acceptable me, there are very few people who have seen and accepted the insecure, imperfect sociatially unacceptable me.

I believe in myself now, I believe that I can usually get away with talking with people without feeling inadequate (well sometimes) yet there are still a lot of insecurities

and I let myself down, even when I've really tried. (It really hurts when this happens)

What do I need to do right now, for my own sense of self?

It is simply to live up to what I can do, what I need to do

I can't allow my little family to slip into permanant poverty! I've got to do something to fix this situation

All I can think of is to work, study, get my household schedule under control (which actually scares me the most as I am always trying to push everything that I need to get done through the little time that I actually have).

I can do it, I believe in myself

and I won't tell you that I love you unless I'm ready to make a commitment and I'm not, even if I care a great deal.

I believe in you though, cast off all of that self doubt

It hurts, I know

Just walk forward,

If you destroy yourself, then you destroy a part of me

I believe in you

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I am thinking today about perceptions. What I see, hear, smell, taste, touch may be completely different from what you perceive. Perceptions may change as well what may have been one day may be different the next based on a lot of factors.

Perceptions shape our thoughts and our actions, for instance, say you meet someone for the first time and think to yourself, "they are arrogant, they are shy, they are nice, they are not nice."

These are perceptions formed from a brief interaction, in many ways we need these judgements for some sort of guidance about who to develop a friendship with, who to trust and who to avoid.

Yet many times these perceptions are wrong, thus knowing this I try to keep an open mind about people until they prove quite succinctly that they are someone to avoid.

I have also found that perceptions shape the thought processes of others with whom we meet and interact, that is, what you say can effect upon other peoples ideas about themselves and life in general.

Sometimes we characterize our children into certain categories, "oh he's the smart one, she's lazy, she is just cranky all of the time." Admittedly I am guilty of this, for kids all have very different personalities.

I tend to think that these labels can be limiting, who wants to be known as the lazy one? The cranky one? I try to avoid saying anything negative about the kids in front of them, plus I try to avoid excessively praising one over the other when the other kids are in the room (It creates jealousies.)

Labels become self perpetrating prophecies, when your children hear the things that you say about them, they will act out what they think your perception of them is.

It can effect you as well, your own self talk can limit or help you.

I think, that in order to avoid ridiculing ourselves, we need to take a look at things in perspective. Look over your whole life, the opportunities that you have had, the situation that you have grown up in, mistakes that you have made. All of these things are in the past, you must accept that they have happened and move on.

Then, think about what brings you joy, what you enjoy doing. Focus on those things, and ignore voices of self doubt. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile, look into your own eyes and find acceptance. Move forward, don't dwell, move forward.

Saying all of this, I know that depression is very real. I used to be depressed all of the time. The change in my diet helped me to overcome it, though I still go through certain periods of depression.

What I find helps me is acknowledging that depression as a thing separate from myself, and pressing forward with my goals and plans despite it all. I fight it, I look for foods that I can eat to help change the chemical balance in my body (Omega-3 oils, Maca, Roobios tea are some). I exercise even if I don't particularly feel like it, and even if I think that I look like the biggest dork out on the street I keep walking anyway.

Depression brings with it different perceptions, and with those I try to make the best of the emotion by writing something. Some of the most interesting things I have written have come from the depressions that I have gone through.

Then, when I am on the other side, I am more able to feel the gladness of life and the beauty of things.

Don't ever think, if you are depressed, that it is a reflection of your true self. You are a creature of light and life, an interesting person. Not the outward shell, not the inward sadness but someone who is of eternal worth.

I am very happy today to have heard from a returning missionary in our ward, and to then go and hear from my little brother who is set to leave on his mission on the 7th of August.

He is very special to me, he was the first little creature that I mothered as a young girl. I remember reading to him the book "The Giving Tree," over and over again. Plus I remember him asking me "how do we hear, what makes sound?"

I explained to his rapt listening ears that there are invisible sound waves that travel through the air to reach our ear drum. I then had him recall seeing the vibration of things like drums and strings.

He has struggled with ADD or earlier on ADHD and being medicated with Ritalin. My parents did not know what else to do, I don't blame them it is a hard thing to deal with.

In fact my own little boy has some form of ADD, not diagnosed but I know the signs. I brought him out of school last year to home school him and have been partially successful as he now knows how to read and he's not dumb on his math facts either.

Yet he still struggles with writing things, and he does struggle a bit with the flow of reading (plus some other facts). I wish I could have done better for him, I went through a terrible year last year and the beginning of this, so I didn't teach him as much as I could have.

But at least he wants to learn and that is an important factor in life, something that being in school was zapping away from him. I have to send him to second grade though, because I need to work, I fear for the little fellow.

Anyhow, this post is long enough. I hope you all have a good and blessed day.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Bitter Gall

In our Relief Society lesson today we talked about the Plan of Happines... Heavenly Fathers plan for us on this earth.

The teachers approach was different from the beginning.

Instead of doing an overview of the pre-mortal existence, where we chose to follow Gods plan, she started talking about preparation. Ironic since I had just been thinking about how to prepare, what my ultimate goals were and where my focus should be.

When we are preparing for something we take into consideration what we need, who will be there, and how much time things will take.

She contrasted this with the fact that God is a God of order, that we were preparing to meet the challenges that we would face while here on the earth and that God gave us the circumstances that we would need in order to grow. That if we make the right choices in this life we will be able to return to him, and all have opportunities to make choices, no matter the circumstance.

She then talked about probation, that when we hear this word we might identify it with someone who is under probation after committing a crime but the true meaning of the word involves a period of time where we are given a chance to prove ourselves whether we will meet the conditions for being there. 
pro·ba·tion (prō bās̸hən)
  1. a testing or trial, as of a person's character, ability to meet requirements, etc.
  2. the suspension of sentence of a person convicted but not yet imprisoned, on condition of continued good behavior and regular reporting to a probation officer
    1. the status of a person being tested or on trial: a student on probation because of low grades
    2. the period of testing or trial

So if this earth life is a probation then what are we proving, what is the test for?

Here a distinction was made which I think is definitive, at least for me. We are not here to prove to God what we will do we are here to prove to ourselves what we will do, where we fit ourselves to be, what standards we will meet...

Another thing that is interesting to me is that God is sure of his plans, he knows he is doing the right thing and we can have assurance of that.

There have been so many times that I have made plans and then I doubt them, from my own failures I pick up a sense of doubt about whether or not I can complete the plans that I have made. So I am going to make it a point to believe in the plans that I make, in fact post a statement to that effect on my mirror if I have to.

It was also pointed out during the lesson that we all come to earth with different circumstances, that we make choices and others make choices that affect us and that God is the perfect judge. Jesus Christ knows us, he knows our grief and sorrows because he has borne them for our sake and that all of our lives will be taken into account, not just the things that you see on the surface.

Here is where comes in the "Bitter Gall." At some point I lost the way, again, about my purpose here on earth. I forgot my relationship with my Heavenly Father and with all of his children and thought that life is about "making it," "being successful." In reality, the only thing that really matters is how well I raise my children and what kind of a person I am at the end of my life.

Making enough money to support myself would be nice though. Plus being able to follow through on a couple of interests... but the ultimate goal is raising my children well and returning to him knowing that I have given my best effort at life, at being a good person, and loving those that I meet.

Finally I realized, again, that it is possible to love others despite their imperfections and that is one other goal to strive for.


Saturday, July 3, 2010

Hmmmm, not doing enough?

It's finally the weekend, and I'm sitting around contemplating the universe instead of getting up and cleaning, the house could use a good cleaning too.

The thing is, I'm sort of at a loss. The only one home is my 3 year old, it has been nice snuggling with her, having a lesuirely breakfast (millet, butter and honey), reading a book on Vaccinations, watching some You-Tube videos and then having a bath.

It has been nice... yet I feel the weight of everything that I want to and don't have time to do pressing down on me and I tend to think that I'm wasting my time... letting it slip through my fingers when I could be up and about accomplishing, something...

Well, I suppose the day isn't over yet and I just need to get up and clean the house a bit. I've got plans to hang around with my cousins today so that ought to be nice... :)