Sunday, July 25, 2010


Honesty is the best policy, at odds with this though  are certain desires, desire to save face, desires to protect others, even desires to protect others from our unvarnished opinions. Unvarnished opinions that we know to be an incomplete picture of reality.

Children are honest, they tell you outright what you wish were hidden but which is not. They know when people are lying, they know when they are insincere, they know if you're sick, if you're sad, if you're hurt... yet they lack understanding, so they often will blurt out the obvious, that which we wish were hidden.

We can't really hide... it's just that when we get older we all play a game where the truth is not spoken, where you and I both know that such and such is wrong but we mutually avoid saying so.... it's more convienient.

We've all been hurt

Honestly, I care

I can see the hurt and pain

I know what those defenses are

My dad is watching an old cowboy movie, an Abot and Costello comedy "Ride em' Cowboy."

Those old fashioned shows are so beautifully simple, so idealistically easy.

I've spent my life chasing some ideal vision of myself. I wrote once that I would like to be the kind of person that was accepted. A lady, someone who could walk up to anyones door and knock, they would open the door and they would listen to what I had to say. They would see the acceptable me, there are very few people who have seen and accepted the insecure, imperfect sociatially unacceptable me.

I believe in myself now, I believe that I can usually get away with talking with people without feeling inadequate (well sometimes) yet there are still a lot of insecurities

and I let myself down, even when I've really tried. (It really hurts when this happens)

What do I need to do right now, for my own sense of self?

It is simply to live up to what I can do, what I need to do

I can't allow my little family to slip into permanant poverty! I've got to do something to fix this situation

All I can think of is to work, study, get my household schedule under control (which actually scares me the most as I am always trying to push everything that I need to get done through the little time that I actually have).

I can do it, I believe in myself

and I won't tell you that I love you unless I'm ready to make a commitment and I'm not, even if I care a great deal.

I believe in you though, cast off all of that self doubt

It hurts, I know

Just walk forward,

If you destroy yourself, then you destroy a part of me

I believe in you

No comments: