I am at such an awkward situation in my life, it's so very confusing. I think I have failed myself, let down those who want to love me and basically have retreated into a place of standoffishness.
At some point (in the recent past) I felt like my sense of independent thought was slipping away. It is a terrible feeling, one that I hate.
I wish that I could fix the worlds hurts but I end up causing a lot of hurt, I'm sorry about that world, I think I need to leave you alone for a while... I'm already limping, can't prop anyone up when I'm limping.
It's been hard for me to write anything here, I've felt the honesty eating at my sense of quiet reticence; after all if everyone knows my thoughts then I feel I am not allowed to change them. In a way it was better when no one knew who this little "Strawberry Girl" was... I feel so exposed at this spot and at my other.
The words have been flowing lately but they've been stopped by a desire to hide them away from others, so I haven't been writing them down, no matter how beautiful the thoughts have been.
I wish I could be a support, a friend... hard to do that though when I don't really feel up to being more than that, no matter how much I need the love and affection that I'm craving.
I'm selfish, I know I am
I want to be loved without any expectations of a relationship of a future. I don't know why I'm feeling this way or what I can do to fix it.
Am I scarred? Tired of trying? Yeah... I don't really want to try at the moment.
I need to be guided by my own light, and by the still small voice.
I've been shutting it all off for too long...