Friday, August 6, 2010

Putting up my defenses...

I am at such an awkward situation in my life, it's so very confusing. I think I have failed myself, let down those who want to love me and basically have retreated into a place of standoffishness.

At some point (in the recent past) I felt like my sense of independent thought was slipping away. It is a terrible feeling, one that I hate.

I wish that I could fix the worlds hurts but I end up causing a lot of hurt, I'm sorry about that world, I think I need to leave you alone for a while... I'm already limping, can't prop anyone up when I'm limping.

It's been hard for me to write anything here, I've felt the honesty eating at my sense of quiet reticence; after all if everyone knows my thoughts then I feel I am not allowed to change them. In a way it was better when no one knew who this little "Strawberry Girl" was... I feel so exposed at this spot and at my other.

The words have been flowing lately but they've been stopped by a desire to hide them away from others, so I haven't been writing them down, no matter how beautiful the thoughts have been.

I wish I could be a support, a friend... hard to do that though when I don't really feel up to being more than that, no matter how much I need the love and affection that I'm craving.

I'm selfish, I know I am

I want to be loved without any expectations of a relationship of a future. I don't know why I'm feeling this way or what I can do to fix it.

Am I scarred? Tired of trying? Yeah... I don't really want to try at the moment.

I'm sorry

I need to be guided by my own light, and by the still small voice.

I've been shutting it all off for too long...

4 comments:

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Hi wonderful to be able to contact you again.
Don't be afraid to put good or bad thoughts down in writing, It helps you to come to terms with what is going on in your life.
I speak from expereience, I went throught a dreadful ordeal 12 yrs ago it took many years to come to terms with it,Then I met someone who I thought was kind and considerate only to find out he was a woman beater......I got out quick but I had to start all over again but I'm getting there.
Don't give up.
Yvonne.

Strawberry Girl said...

Yvonne, thank you so much for the visit dear friend! :) You are such a fantastic lady!

EcoGrrl said...

it's okay to be wherever you are in the process, that's what's beautiful about evolution - you're always traveling even when you feel you're standing still :)

Anonymous said...

Follow that still small voice. If it leads you away from some people it's only because it is guiding to you even better people. Those that are left behind will understand.