Sunday, September 12, 2010

Heart Passage

Each day, I get up and go to work and work hard. I try not to complain though I do sometimes because it is hard. My manager is busy and it is hard to be forced to hammer out difficult things without someone there to tell you you're headed in the right direction.

I'm sad in some ways, and I push myself in others. Sad that each day I go into work, to grasp at this stuff called "Accounting" to do it and do it well means that I have to call on the reserves of determination that I have built up over many years of being determined. As if, through my own force of will I can learn and conquer this beast that looms in the distance called ignorance. I suppose I fear the unknown because if I fail, if I make a mistake then that will be like stepping off the road to security and happiness and I'm very scared of a future where I just can't cut it.

On the other hand I haven't come to grips with where I want my future to be. It has always been planned with my husband by my side... well that's what I wanted, that's what I thought. Though I feared being with him as well. He betrayed me very early on in our marriage and I was never able to really let that go, to believe that he was sincere when he said that he loved me. Things were difficult in other areas as well, yet he was my husband. I loved him. I forgave him, or tried to and vowed to move forward. At some point though I completely lost faith in things working for us and I tried to leave him thinking there was someone else that was better. Yet I couldn't follow through with that, I came back and I tried again and things were starting to feel alright, things were starting to work and I could just see in him this limitless potential and I wanted so much for him to reach it and I wanted us to be together as a family and make it in this world. All of my planning, all of my hopes resided in this.

Then it was all ruined, in one desperate  year of madness, betrayal and ultimate idiocy. Then is when I started to scream, then is when nothing that I have strived for in all of my life made sense anymore and I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to excel, it didn't matter anyway.

He was at my parents house tonight, it was my sons birthday on Wednesday so we held the party today. He brought his friends sons and refereed a game of hide and seek, laughing at how funny those kids were sneaking around, and my little daughter running away from the big kids. He's such a jerk, he wants me to take him back and with the passing of time tortures me because he hasn't taken the divorce education class for parents yet and so our divorce is stalled in the courts. After that, well, I shall have to see...

3 comments:

welcome to my world of poetry said...

I do feel for you, I was widowed after 35 yrs of marriage it took time to get over that when I eventually could face life again I did meet someone who I thought could give me a second chance of happiness, well months later I found a place for us and that was when the violence started, I quickly moved out and am on my own again, I know deep in my heart there will never be anyone else bit my late husband and after the short episode the with other one I will continue to live my life to the best of my ability on my own.
I do hope you can come to some peace with yourself as you seem younger than me and have a life ahead of you.
Good luck/
Yvonne.

Finding Pam said...

Annie, it takes time to make the transition from what you have been through. You are a strong young woman and I know that you will heal in time.

Your writing is so expressive. Divorce is one of the hardest things to over come. It is like a death and you have to grieve the loss.

Wishing you only the best.

EcoGrrl said...

i'm sorry you are hurting...you did the right thing by leaving him and set an example for your kids that no one should be treated like that, and that you deserve REAL love, from someone you never have to fear. i am so proud of all that you have accomplished in this last year and trust me, it will get easier!!!

ps - divorce class? is that a utah thing? california was printing out a pdf, sign here, check for $350 and 6 mos later it was final. isn't there a time limit where he finally has to do it or you get the divorce like it or not? hang in there darlin'!