Sunday, January 30, 2011

Confessional Time

Yes I admit it, I must stare it in the face and admit it, I get jealous far too easily. I don't know what it is, insecurity perhaps? That's got to be it. Usually I don't feel threatened if it's a topic that I am well versed on or something that I am good at, then I am more likely to be conversant with a person about it, but otherwise I am jealous and it is not a good thing. It gets me deep into an unhealthy type of pride and self defensiveness and geez how can I learn if I do that?

In fact I get paralyzed by jealousy, I see that someone did something better than I have or can do something I can't and I go into a ridiculous self sabotaging rant in my mind about how I could have/should have/would have done whatever it is better.  

Anyhow, now you all know, I'm a jealous puppy... sorry about that, I'll work on it.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Some Happiness, Some Sadness

I don't know why I don't write more when I'm having really good days. I've had quite a few this week actually, the highlights of which were when I went over to my friend Lindas house to do pre-school with Roxie and her little ones as well as her sisters who Skype and join in. Somewhere in the midst of singing about fishies in the sea and creating a diorama of the ocean I felt joy, really peaceful and happy joy! :)

Another time that I felt joy was yesterday at Lindas house again as we read Tennysons poetry with our friends and discussed other things as well.

Other times that I feel joy are when I lie down with my four year old and watch a movie, or when my kids are having a discussion about random subjects in the car.

I desire to be happy, I want others to be happy, unfortunately that doesn't always happen.

I have a self effacing type of personality, it feels as though I slowly allow little pieces of me to be torn away. I just can't seem to get a grasp of my own wishes enough to look after my own best interests.

I've got a stomach ache.

Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm Scared

I've been living in a state of denial since I left Pinnacle. Somehow we made it through Christmas, my dearest friend helped me through my kids received presents.

It is ironic that so many of our Christmases have depended upon the generosity of others, Christmas has always been a struggle for my little family even back to the beginning.

We were so poor, I had hope for the future though and a plan to work hard and go to school so I didn't mind much.

I don't remember much about the first Christmas that I had with my husband, I was still a child, still in the same room that I had grown up in, I think I felt disappointed in the fact that I received so little in presents but it makes sense to me now. I was so ignorant about how the world really was, and could I be taught easily, no, it took a long time.

The next Christmas was spent apart from him, I spent my days in a stupor barely able to get to work, hardly able to take care of my oldest son. I was pregnant with my second child and had been betrayed by my husband and his family. They took him away to Tonga before I knew what to do and I spent the next nine + months trying to get him back. I was so lonely and lost, I really didn't know what to do, I wish I would have had some guidance then, I wish I had it now.

The next Christmas he was here. We lived in a little two room apartment furnished with cast off couches that I had sewn together, a table that I had bought on layaway and paid off and a $30 dollar dish cupboard that I kept my prized "Blue Willow" patterned dishes that I had saved up for and bought a bit at a time from the store that I worked at. That year I learned that God listens, even if he doesn't make your trials go away. I made a list of things that I needed, a washer, a dryer, a toy chest for the kids, and wooden shoes. My Uncle called up and told me that he was cleaning out his basement and getting a new washer, he wondered if I would like to have it. I told him that I would and we went there to get it with my dad, we got looking through the stuff in my uncles basement and stumbled across a toy chest for the kids, an old tent, and under some other things a pair of wooden shoes with leather on top. I wore those shoes all winter even though they had little bits of wood missing in the heel which I tried to remedy by filling them with wood glue. Soon after we got the washer, (which my dad and husband fixed up), my husbands brother offered us a dryer, so we had all that had been on my list.

But Christmas was coming and I didn't have anything for the kids. I bought stuff at yard sales and at the dollar store, they were little and didn't know the difference, but I also wanted to give them some wooden blocks. I looked for them everywhere and couldn't find any, I looked on-line and found that they were expensive, so I decided to make them out of two by fours. I had my Dad cut them up and I worked many hours sanding them down, then I decided to make some for a lady in the ward who was beat by her husband and spent many more hours sanding blocks. I used a hand held jig saw to cut out half circles in some of the blocks, that was really hard and they came out slightly wrong but I did it.

Somehow, when the kids got there presents and were happy I was grateful, a lot less stung by the fact that grownups get less presents.

Every year since then Christmas has been struggle and miracle. People have given us gifts on our doorstep, someone paid for our dinner one night as I went through the drive through, someone bought me a Christmas CD when they overheard me try to put it back because it cost too much money.

That's how life has been actually, struggle and miracle. I've had to pick up and start over with our finances so many times. I've paid off so many ridiculous debts, debts that I never would have incurred except for a fiscally irresponsible husband.

I find myself at this point in time at an odd crossroads. I'm divorced, something that I did not want though I knew it would probably come, I have four kids and no job.

On top of that... the pending imprisonment of my ex-husband for the crime that he committed against me on the 8th. That means no money coming in for child support. Now what am I going to do? That leaves me with small options, and I've not been thinking about it... but now I am.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Shopping Insanity

For someone who is known for their love of writing, I certainly do very little of it. I blame it on life in general, and the fact that writing comes in spurts for me.

I go through a painful process when I set out to write something related to my everyday thoughts and life. In my own mind I hear myself coming across as somewhat depressive, plus I tend to criticize myself... and my four year old comes in at the most inopportune moments to break off my train of thought and little niggling bits of guilt work their way into my stomach as I realize how little time I spend with her and how little time she has left as an adorable, demanding four year old.

Haha, she's upset because the "pink" hanger that she thought she had found turned out to be red. She just walked out and slammed the door with the exclamation "stupid red!" She's certainly my daughter, hehe, I loved pink when I was little.

I drove by the Provo Tabernacle today, they've set up a perimeter chain-link fence around the site, plus have covered certain areas with plastic and have set up reinforcing structures around the brick... I don't know what the plans are exactly for the site, but it looks like they are going to try and rebuild.

One of my great time wasters is lolling around in health food stores contemplating the products. I spent about 45 min at Good Earth in Provo this morning taking stock of the place and writing down prices for products that I like to buy. I was still in my PJ's (which consisted of athletic pants and t-shirt) plus I had boots and a winters jacket to top off my ensemble. I got a few looks from the clerks, to me the odd looks had me wondering if perhaps I should have dressed up... or perhaps they were simply not used to someone roaming around inspecting packages and writing down prices...

I then made my way over to Wal-Mart in Springville, I figured that since it had less traffic than the Orem Wally World that they might have some unique items, like the Organic canned green beans and corn that I was able to find at Wal-Mart before. I shouldn't have even bothered! They certainly didn't carry the Organic canned corn and greenbeans, I didn't find Organic crushed or diced tomatoes (for that matter the only Organic tomato products that they carried was a minuscule can of tomato paste and a few bottles of Organic spaghetti sauce). The spaghetti sauce did happen to be greatly cheaper than at Good Earth though so I picked up two that I wanted to try and a few gallons of white vinegar (excellent to clean with and a good laundry softener as well) and I hightailed it out of there.

Just to be sure that I was being fair to the Wonderful Walderific, Wal-Mart, I drove up to Orem and low and behold the oddity of chain stores, the products were there in amazing sameness lined up neatly in the same way so I rolled right back out of there again and off to SF Market.

Sunflower Market is a fantastic anomaly (did I use that word before in this write-up? I think that I did...)

Awww heck she wants to read Llamma Llama red pajama how am I supposed to ignore that?

anyway... I will write up about Sunflower later... ;)

Goodnight Blogger Land.