What do you say to your four year old who hopes that by copying a picture of her daddy that he will magically come back?
The most difficult part of all of this is that my four year old doesn't understand where her daddy is or why he's not at home. Frankly, I don't understand why he cannot be a part of our lives. I know the what and the logical why, but I don't understand what possessed him to make the choices that he did which drove such a huge wedge into our family.
It's been such a lovely day today, the weather so mild, and I've gotten so much done to organize my files that I would usually feel happy and hopeful. In past years I would have felt renewed hope that things would be looking up for us, that finally Sam and I would be able to work together as a team, earn money during the summer, get a home... and get lots and lots done, be successful...
It's all gone, I feel so blank
I would run to him and grasp his hand, tell him that I want to work on our family... but I can't and won't. He hurt me, and our kids, in a bumbling stupid way and even if I could be dragged into feeling sorry for him again it still wouldn't take away the facts. Could he even get on his knees to beg forgiveness to allow a new start? No because he hurt me even as little as a month ago...
I'm so sad though, it is so hard to be strong. I don't know what I'm doing, and the corporate world is harsh. I did well in Accounting, but only through a lot of struggle and study and I'm afraid to get another job doing accounting because the last job that I had required so many hours from me and I didn't have a mentor, they expected me to know everything right then, no exceptions. I wasn't stupid, but I struggled because I hadn't worked before and I got into a position that I wasn't prepared for... but I was so close.
That's off my chest... I'm going to make popcorn and a smoothie for my princess.