Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Lately I've run through a whole heap of issues that I never foresaw as possibilities in my realm of possible situations that I might enter into.

The difficult marriage, that's understandable, people have difficult marriages all the time. I knew the procedure there, at least I thought I did. You try to make things work, try to talk to your spouse about the important issues, try to bring up the kids right. However I found myself running into a whole lot of impotency in my ability to bring things around to what I thought the right thing and way to be was. I had a clear vision, it's the vision promulgated through the media, through my church, through cultural beliefs, for a time it looked as though the realization of those ideals was within my grasp. It was right there, right there on the edge of the next step, and then a series of unthinkable events smashed it to pieces.

Still, I felt like I had tried. I made mistakes, one of the biggest being that I got desperate and looked to someone else to take me away from my marriage before I resolved my problems. It was absolutely clear that I couldn't make the marriage work, and yet not forcing myself through the crucible of relying solely on deep spiritual guidance cut me off from intuitive lessons that I needed to learn. Part of me is dying, hiding in the corner of well intended help. I believe it is a piece of my integrity, I don't feel whole.

So absolutely my marriage had to end. I knew this, I knew it 10 years before I reached the turning point. I sat outside of my tiny apartment, diary in hand and wrote it down. I could look down that tunnel and see the point that I was headed towards, but I also knew that I had to travel that road, that if I didn't put all of the effort that I could into making my marriage work that I wouldn't respect myself. I wanted to run, at some level I didn't want to face it, but I pulled from that deep spiritual well and resolved to move forward.

Now at this point, I am in a conundrum. For the past three years I have been rather confused and disconnected from my true being. This because I stopped listening to that well of intuition that I drew upon in the past. Why? Because I have been trying to avoid hurting people that I care about. Pouring so much into trying to establish a life that has been hard for me to grasp, because it's out of reach and so far out of the realm of possibilities that I've settled into this uneasy life. Not able to say for sure about one thing or the other because I don't feel the way that I should while trying to establish this new life. All this vagueness... I'm not happy with this. I should have sorted out things on my own before trying to sort it out with someone else. That's why my blogging has been rather silent, I have simply not wanted to share how I'm really feeling because how I'm really feeling is dead inside. A lot of admiration and respect, care and concern, love... is there for those I'm trying not to hurt... but a lot of uncertainty about relationships in general still lingers and I would really just like to be on my own, if only that wouldn't hurt others so much... yes I know you're going to say I should just do what makes me happy, well it's not hurting others that's for certain, and that's the unforeseen reality that I'm facing... I really hate it.

I've been hiding away from hurt for a long time. One of the reasons why I didn't break off my marriage is that I didn't want to be to blame for the divorce. He cheated on me from the beginning and I thought that I could forgive him and move forward, but the trust never came back, he continually did things that broke my heart and I couldn't trust him. So part of me was looking for the final straw, the last thing that I would allow him to do before I broke it off, and I allowed so much! That was an unhealthy situation though, I should have broke it off simply because it wasn't working, I had tried so much and was still not able to trust him and I was hurting. But I stayed and stayed, too afraid to face what life would have looked like without someone to provide, and I uneducated (as of yet) and part of the staying was so that I could get an education, in some ways that was dishonest, in some ways I was giving him time to change...

I used to love so simply, I was so devoted (infatuated) with those little boyfriends that I had when I was younger. I never had a chance to develop a relationship with Sam, I made the decision to put myself in a compromising situation and from then on continued on that path.

Right now I'm developing a relationship with Ajey, but it's so strange. Usually when you date someone you see each other, there is attraction... the other half of the coin is not there. I'm uncomfortable with the way the relationship has been established. I felt a strong impression from that deep intuitive spirit that I should not pursue a relationship with him and when I tried to break it off I was unable to do so, my words were impotent, his pain over-rode the truths that I was speaking. Part of the reason I didn't want to be with him was that he wasn't a member of the church, he couldn't understand where I was coming from, I didn't want that in a relationship or for my kids.

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