Thursday, September 15, 2011


Sometimes the truth jumps out at you in unexpected moments and you're left breathless at the implication of it. What does it mean? That I am afraid to look somewhere else for the kind of love that I see quite plainly in the picture of my friend and his wife?

That I feel special being loved by someone but am having a hard time returning the feeling as he knows it?

That I can't live with the consequence of a half life, a half love if I never even try to bring true love to fruition? Can true love be born out of constant e-mail communication, through phone and association?

Does awkwardness indicate reticence, does it mean the love isn't there? Does comfort mean it exists? Does it matter if one person wants to love and care for the other if both are not equally matched? Are we not equally matched?

I've got to come to a conclusion soon, I can't go on and on for years and years, I will end up marrying just for the sake of my word, for the sake of living out the moment. Will I regret it later on?

Or is he simply the one for me? Am I over thinking this, making an issue where there shouldn't be an issue?

He is moving, functioning in his world, the world of Australia and he's comfortable with having an overseas girlfriend/fiance that he calls his wife.

He's in this relationship because he hasn't found someone like me over there, but in fact he's stated that he found girls similar to me at church over there. But he's staying true to me because he's loyal, or because he doesn't believe that he would have a chance with these other girls.

When I was with him I felt awkward walking next to him, he's too short for me, I felt awkward kissing him while standing up, again too short. His head is small and round, I find this odd. These are the things on the main that I don't like. As well, I don't like that he's childish in some ways, that he really reminds me of a kid... all men have some aspects of the child still left in them but the way that he's childish is awkward for me. Plus I don't like the way he talks babyish to me, it disturbs my sense of self. Plus the over dramatic way he answers my posts makes me cringe.

I don't like the way he buys me stuff that I don't like, the comic books that he sent creeped me out because they were about a white guy who was a complete idiot in the midst of Indian guy's, the obvious racial slurs bothered me.

I'm not happy that he talked me into being in a relationship with him, even though I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. He did this through guilt inference, by making me feel guilty that I had told him at one point that I loved him, so therefore if I loved him then I should want to be in a relationship with him.

I'm feeling cornered, I'm feeling overwhelmed with his attention.

The mutual friendship that I have with him has been overshadowed by the hope that he has of an everlasting relationship. The mutual friendship and interests are what has kept me tied to him. Then I don't want to cause him pain. Plus all of the relatives that I have met, his family, he claims loves me and I am intrigued in some ways by the idea of going to India, meeting these people, being a part of an old ancestry with old traditions and a royal blood line. Intrigued about the mystery and power of his family. Fascinated by the friendships that he seems to command, the respect that he has in Puttar, his family's home and elsewhere in India.

I just realized something else, we all tend to comply with people that we feel obligated to. I kind of feel that perhaps Meaghan today didn't want a hug, but she's hurt and playing out a role of being hurt and when offered a hug she took it, though somewhat reluctantly and awkwardly. What this means for me is that I am playing out a role, I am being offered love and I have accepted help and support from Ajey and thus feel obligated to continue playing the role. Even though a part of me doesn't want to continue. The question is, is the part of me that doesn't want to continue bigger than the part that wants to keep going? What does this mean for me? I felt like this for years and years with Sam but could never break things off, I just couldn't and it tore me apart, it ate at my sanity, I felt stuck, obliged, drained. Not part of an ideal reality for me. Plus I am afraid of losing friendship, I am afraid of losing respect, I am afraid of hatred aimed towards me.

That's why I kept trying to appease Gabriel, I didn't want him to hate me. But I wanted him to back down, I wanted time and he wouldn't give it to me. I was so deeply emotional with him. He hit all the right notes at the right time. I felt so much romance in that relationship. The feelings I felt there overshadow what I feel with Ajey, though with Ajey I felt a brilliant sense of enlightenment, of love, and a blush. Those were under false assumptions though, I wouldn't have felt the same if I would have met him in person at the time.

Gabriel is a dangerous man, is it only for me? I'm not sure but the attraction is enormous. Like a moth to the flame.

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