Sunday, September 11, 2011


I feel like a whole decade of my life vanished, I blinked and it was gone, and with it the hopes that I once had of raising my children to be happy, healthy and teaching them to work hard and be wise (yes, they are good kids, but I could have imbued so many good habits into them and so much practical knowledge, I can't get them to listen now).

I feel this way because I've been fighting to stay afloat by trying to get a good education, trying to be smart enough to get a good job, to earn enough money, to stay alive. During this time, so much of the time, I've had to let certain things slide like doing things with my kids, especially teaching them. I'm really seeing the wisdom of delaying having children until you've gotten an education at this point... jumping in without being ready isn't fair to the kids or yourself.

September 11 brings back the memories of my little ones being little, my fears for them, what I wanted to give them at that point, how much I loved those little ones. I remember feeling the passage of their age from little baby to small child, from small child to older child, older child to young adult...

I remember picking them up once, right as they were passing from small children to older kids (my two oldest), I carried them to their beds side by side. I held each one in turn crying, those little angels ignorant of their mothers tears. It pains me that I cannot seem to reach my daughter, that my son though easier to reach is so disinterested in his mom... he used to bring me flowers, oh how much I treasured them.

I judged my parents harshly when I was my daughters age. How I felt that they failed me, how I wished they were different. I didn't know how hard it is to live! To work, to get by, to survive! I didn't think of that! Only my mothers seeming indifference to me, my fathers cruel anger. I compounded hurts upon myself not understanding life, and darned if that's not what my daughter is doing to me.

How I wish she could know how much I love her and how much she means to me! How I wish I could give her knowledge and talent, all of the skills she needs to survive.

How I love my children, how I wish I could be scout den mother and help my boys earn their Eagles, PTA parent, baking cookies for fundraisers, volunteering to read to their class, or just here to make a wholesome dinner for them every day.

I am so tired

I spend my days at work, come home and clean, cook, and study... before I know it it's past bedtime, and I'm still trying to do something or other to catch up, to get life to make sense.

My kids are true latch key kids

I want life to be about living again, I want to feel free again, I want to dream again

For all that is dear and wonderful I don't want those who love me to hurt

Almost 2 am... time to sleep


EcoGrrl said...

everyone wants to be everything to those they hold dearest...look back at what you've written about what you DO do for them, how much you love them. you are their fiercest advocate in that you fought for their safety and security and showed them your love by getting them and yourself out of an abusive situation. that is a gift i promise you they will see. every parent i know goes through this as their kids go through this next age group. hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them every single day, let them evolve and hope for the best, you have done more than you probably see right now to affect them for the best. just what you wrote shows me so much. continue to do things for YOU so that YOU continue to be an example for them. yes your life is not what you anticipated it to be, but there is more to motherhood than cookies and boy scouts. what did i love about my father? he was genuine about loving me, even when he wasn't there. what did i hate about my mother, who quit when i was 10 to be a 'stay at home mom'? she never once told me i was a good person. it was always to her about being popular, being pretty, and if i got all As and one B, i'd still be in trouble for not being perfect. love yourself, love your kids, and forgive yourself as you'd forgive them. (hugs)

Strawberry Girl said...

Yes Grrl, we all try our best, I recognize that... yet regret what I miss. I've tried hard to not make my kids feel like they have to be perfect for me to love them, I hope they never feel that way... indications from some of the stuff my daughter puts up on her wall on fb and her wall at home make me think she feels pressured at times... I hope she knows I love her, that she doesn't have to be perfect, just trying... my fears are about how much I didn't know and needed to know when I finished high school... that makes me fear for their education and hope they take it seriously... They're trying though, I know they are...

Thanks for the encouragement Grrl! :D