Saturday, September 3, 2011

Wishing for Simplicity

I thought when I was young that adults knew things in a straightforward black and white way, however life isn't like that, black and white are both admixtures of many different colors, swirled around to make the illusion of a solid. They are just reflecting things differently.

Sometimes having a lack of answers is very disconcerting, personally it makes me question myself.

I have been very foolish. I really, really wanted to have a simple loving relationship, with someone, and yet refused to choose. I was tied up in knots, I hated myself. The worst thing is not being able to trust your own heart because it seems to love more than one person. Ironically I thought being honest with both of them would be enough, it wasn't. My dilemmas have been legitimate, my choices have not been.

The end result is the breaking off of a sweet friendship, one in which I found quite a bit of joy. Plus hurting many, many people.

Yet how can you choose who to hurt and who not to? It's difficult, I tend to make choices that hurt myself and my integrity simply because I am trying to avoid hurting other people.

Plus the truth. I hate stating the truth sometimes because it looks ugly, sometimes shallow, sometimes mean. Kids state whatever they think. Is that better? They point and say, she is fat, he is weird looking, you talk funny, you laugh weird. They are blunt.

I wish things were that simple. How can I make them to be so?

Would it be better to be blunt instead of dancing around the truth?  Is there a way to be blunt without being hurtful? Is there a way to make up your mind about your course of action when it involves many peoples feelings and considerations of many different factors?

Considerations, when I was young I thought it was simple to choose who I wanted to be with, someone I loved, my best friend, someone who made me smile and laugh. Tall, dark and handsome. Prince Charming. 

Last week I made a terrible choice. This week has been a torment, but I feel I deserve it. I want to be happy again but am made miserable by my choice and the consequences. In that moment the choice felt right and good, later on it did not. I didn't choose what I did out of capriciousness, but that's how it feels to me and that's probably how it feels to those who this choice affects. That is what is so utterly hard about this situation.

It makes me not want to say "I Love You" to anyone though, because those words are like a contract, they tie the person who utters them to the other. No matter how true, saying "I Love You" seems meaningless to someone else if you don't want to be with them, whatever the reason. That's how it seems anyway, it's terrible.

What are the reasons that you wouldn't want to marry/be with someone you love? Well, it's just doesn't feel right, or it logically doesn't pan out in your mind.

But I still feel sick inside and want things to be better, I want to heal the hearts that I've broken, but cannot. Through all my trying I've made things worse. So all I can say is I'm sorry and then all I can do is deal with the irony of those words...


EcoGrrl said...

ah darlin' if everything were simple we'd learn nothing right? i'm world famous for being 'blunt' and it still biting me in the arse... i'm sorry you are hurting though but glad you followed your heart...

Strawberry Girl said...

Thank you Grrl. I wish I knew what my heart was saying to me, the only thing I know is I don't wish to hurt, yet have hurt all the same.

EcoGrrl said...

think of what you've overcome and the things you said goodbye to before this current set of events, and how it wasn't clear at the time but now, in hindsight, you are glad you did it. or the evolution of your job. winston churchill comes to mind - 'when you're going through hell, keep going' - use this time to learn, or as maya angelou would say, to say THANK YOU because when you feel this way she says, it means there is a lesson coming. how lovely is that. now, read this and remind yourself of it every day OK? (hugs)

Strawberry Girl said...

Maya Angelou and Winston Churchill are both inspirational. Thank you for reminding me of there words. Phenomenal Woman, what a poem, words to live by!