Friday, November 25, 2011

Just Trying, That's All

This Thanksgiving turned out "OK." It seemed that none of us had a whole lot of enthusiasm for it this year. I've been working a bunch of extra hours, well technically not working per say, I've been trying to finish up a bunch of Microsoft Office training modules that I signed up for earlier this year through my Alma Mater UVU, they have a woman's resource center called "Turning Point" which paid for the course, the caveat was that I finish the training modules before the end of the year.

I signed up for them because I wasn't finding any work, but ironically I found a job about a month after signing up and I was never able to put the time into finishing them up (they take about 177 hours).

I have been able to finish up the Excel sessions, and I found my notes on Access, all except the first session that is. I will need to review the Access sessions because I completed them several months ago.

I will be so relieved to get them done...

It feels like my life has been one big push to put things into order, to just get to a point where I am able to live. I put so much time into school, every day that I was in school was a push, while having my babies and having my miscarriages all jammed into tests and lectures and cleaning on the weekends.

Since I've been divorced every day has been about pulling together my world, trying to become relevant in the workplace.  Trying to become relevant to my children. I'm afraid to face them sometimes, too many things that I can't do for them. So much that I'm trying to do... I know I do a lot but Mom's always tend to feel there should be more that they can do.

All of this, and the overriding feeling at night is that I want to be held. Sitting at work I just want to go home and be held... just held. How stupid this longing has made me, how stupid I've acted trying to fill the ache inside.