Thursday, March 29, 2012

Feels Like Today - Almost Every Day (Until I blink)

What has life really been like lately? It's hard to convey that through the written word. I'm constantly looking to improve my world, sometimes that keeps me going on a treadmill because it's never going to be "enough." I realize that but it doesn't stop me from the continual process of improvement. I guess that's OK at least it means that I have something to think about each day.

Some of the things I'm most proud of recently are from my efforts at work. My temp contract "might" be (probably will be) extended until December. Ironically we (the team and I) never really accomplished the goals that were originally set out for us. However, through observation and effort we've found ways to get to the core of what the company really wants. In fact this has mostly come about from a suggestion that my manager made to change our focus from "enriching entities" which are a subset of each company we are working on to focusing on the entire company, creating a complete picture of that company.

Here is where my incredibly irksome habits/tendencies have actually been beneficial for someone (including me). What I mean is that I am detail oriented to pain points at times. That and I have the ability to see a big picture, or direction where others see chaos. So I took the task in hand of creating an entirely new process and kept at it, kept asking questions, asking for tools... all with this framework of what I knew we needed and eventually (just recently) a member of the IT team has assigned himself to work with me (because our project effects his year end project) and we now have (thanks to his brilliance with writing VBA code) an all encompassing process which is efficient, accurate and comprehensive.

As to the staying on for another 6 months... I'm debating it actually, the pay is good... but as a temp I don't receive benefits so making a good pay is a liability to me as far as benefits go (Medicaid). Soooo.... to stay or to leave, that is the question.

As far as other things in my life. I'm progressively healing (I hope) my digestive system. I'm (trying to) follow the GAPS Diet. I've followed similar dietary strictures for a while now so it's not that hard to adapt to the diet. My weakness is Chocolate sweetened with malitol.... theoretically I shouldn't be eating it. Otherwise I'm eating lots of Chicken Soup (with out rice or noodles) and trying to follow the introduction diet, but it's hard. (I don't have a lot of time to prepare food and/or study up on what I should be eating and/or planning meals) so I'm having a hard time. I wish someone could do the planning for me, I'm so busy...

One really good thing is that my Ex-Husband is working in Hawaii. That means he's not around as much to disturb my relationship with my kids. The bad thing is that I don't have the time like I said to plan like I should so that they get a variety of different meals. They're lucky to get what they do get... They feel deprived so when Sam comes around and takes them out to fast food restaurants and etc... they love it! I don't know what to do about that, I'll just keep trying my best.

Today's been a bit tough, I was tired at work so I  came home to take a nap and finished out the workday from home. It's late now, and I've gotta go pick up my little one... so I'm off.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Avalanche, Weariness

I didn't sleep well last night, something kept me awake though I didn't feel any particular urgency about anything, just restlessness. This morning I awoke to 60+ MPH winds outside, I got up and shut the window and then attempted to sleep a bit more.

I dutifully got up and dressed, then drove away attempting to get to work. I dropped off Little R and got a few blocks in the direction of work when I decided to turn around as I was too tired to keep going.

So I came back home, informed my boss that I was too tired to come into work and attempted to sleep (again). I got a bit of rest, not the deep restorative kind, but a light kind of rest, then fired up the computer to work a bit from home.

So that's been my day, attempting sleep, bleary eyed work and some stumbling here and there, cleaning this and that.

In theory I should get to bed early so that I can wake up early, get done with work (early) then come home in order to take care of my kids...

Usually it's the other way around, go to bed late, wake up late, get to work late, come home late, get dinner made (late) then on and on ad nauseum....

Whenever I try to change that pattern something or other occurs to set me back. Either I can't sleep well, or I get sick or the kids keep me up, or I stay up trying to catch up in order to be ready for the next day.


I am starting to get better at some aspects of life, but others are still... challenging...

One interesting thing that I'm going to try out this year is the idea of a garden that is more like what God does out in nature, a simple concept where you keep adding wood chips (from tree trimmers) to a garden plot and the chips retain moisture and keep weeds out. The layers build up over time, the lower layers breaking down and becoming rich fertile soil, the new layers making a pleasant surface to work from and plant into.

There's a film online called "Back to Eden Film" that describes all about the method, it's a beautiful thing. :)

Sometimes the simplest methods work the best.

Poem About Weariness

If I close my eyes, am I closer to God? Is my spirit in a different realm? Am I safe?

If I focus on today, can I forget the follies of yesterday? Can I forget those stupid mistakes, if I no longer see the suffering they've caused? Or shudder from embarrassment from my mistakes.

If you forgive me, is my conscience clear? Especially when forever I know the duplicity of my behavior in the past.

Is torture any less cruel when it is inflicted from within?

If I close my eyes, will this sadness go away?

If I could only get enough sleep... perhaps tomorrow would be full of clarity, less errors.

Between stimulus and action is a choice, chaos is an avalanche of stimulus, a neglect of conscious choices... choices by default... I hate that.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

Some days are of Sunshine, Some are of Rain

Last weekend was full of sunshine, Roxie and I walked to the park on Saturday and on Sunday.

This week has been full of shadows and rain. I've been inside all the day long, making up a few hours of work, watching a few episodes of "Blues Clues" with little Roxie and reading a book on "Power Phrases (basically how to speak up when needed).

I feel slightly dizzy and unwell this week. Part of the "cleansing" process of the body, so it's a good thing, but it means less energy to get things done.

Well this is short, time for bed now. :)

Friday, March 9, 2012

Thoughts - Destressing after work...

Sometimes I have a hard time getting back to what's going on in my life, what is going on? It's hard to say really, most of my life is being defined by this big project at work. If it's going well then I feel good, if it's not then I get frustrated.

Point: This is not my life, and I'm missing out on a lot

I enjoy what I'm doing at work, don't get me wrong, I'm finding a lot of talents that I would like to develop... so that I can keep on working...

I care about so much more than this stuff though. I wish I could work simply for the enjoyment of working and could take off whenever I felt like taking off. That's my ideal, I like to work, but I don't like being tied to it.

I love cooking, especially when I can take the time to really immerse myself in the experience. Half baked projects are no fun... ;)

Today's been hard for me. Last night I slept between a rock and a hard place ie my youngest son and youngest daughter so I haven't been all that with it (I should have stayed in bed). I spent most of the morning here at work reviewing what needed to be said at our meeting at 3:00 PM. I tried to sync up with someone who I'm working with before the meeting so that we could review what needed to be said but he wasn't around. The meeting went on anyway, I tried my best and everyone said I did well but I felt bleh about it because I wasn't prepared (even after all my preparations) and wasn't able to transition smoothly from one topic to another. No matter what anyone says if I don't feel good about my performance than I don't think I did a good job. Well, live and learn, I haven't conducted these corporate type meetings before, I'm just hoping to get better at it quickly.

Speaking of that, getting better at this job stuff... all I can think about lately is that this position is going to end in June and then what?


I would like to get off of this treadmill, but I have to keep going or else I will crash.

Someday, I will be proficient at being a jolly good employee... but my kids will then be adults and on the same treadmill themselves... ironic

I AM happy though, that I've gotten on the treadmill towards better health. I bought a juicing machine, I've gotten all sorts of healthy probiotics, learned how to make coconut kefir, been eating chicken soup every day (to heal my digestive system), learned how to make sauerkraut, how to cook, clean yadda yadda it's a slow process...

I miss having friends, sleeping over, hanging out... I never imagined that life would get this hard as an adult. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner and stay there. I really miss being held, simply being loved, my ex husband didn't know how to do this simple task. To him life is all about SEX.

I miss blogging as well, I've not really been active. Blogging is often a way to define oneself. My definitions are getting blurred.

So I'm stuck on this treadmill. Life is all about work, and raising the kids. LIFE - I am more than this, JOB - I am more than this. KIDS - I am more than what you see.

My kids, I'm trying my best here. I want to be able to pay for everything they need, Dental Bills, Contacts and Glasses, clothing, extracurricular activities, food and housing...

I threw a bunch of money from my tax return at trying to fix things that have been ailing me, like my health, and my inability to get a good nights rest... I bought a new bed and bedding, cost me bunches of money, I feel guilty about spending it on bedding when I could have kept it in the bank for a rainy day (or paid off my credit card) but sometimes decisions are based upon emotion and my emotions have been up against my bed because I was waking up with back aches every night. I do feel my health improving from following this strict diet, I like that, but I wish that I could already know all this stuff I'm learning so that the process could be made easier for my kids. I wish I could make them treats without feeling guilty about feeding their sugar habits...

I'll figure it out I guess but needless to say, Mom's not the most popular person around. I want to buy the kids stuff, take them places but I reach my limit and can't go any further.

Blogging/Journaling seems to fulfill my big need to vent. I wish that my happy button was turned on though, I sometimes feel stuck in "Things are not good enough" mode when I know there are many things in life that are beautiful and wonderful. Like listening to music on the way to work, it has been mostly classical music lately, filling some yen I have for it I guess. I love looking out over the mountains, looking around and seeing the crisp contrast between the skyline and the mountain peaks. I love interacting with my fellow "Data Stewards" and growing in my ability to speak my mind, to be heard, to be respected... plus they are good friends as well. I listen to books sometimes at work, I finished the extended version of Les Mes, that took a lot of patience as there were many back ground scenes about French History, the French Revolution, Napoleon, even the French Sewer System. I also listened to "A Tale of Two Cities." I've read it before and really enjoyed the flow of it from that perspective (quick paced and unexpected), listening to it was different. I have also listened to some of "Bullfinches Mythology" a lot of it was wasted on me though as I couldn't follow the story lines at times.

I want to learn French, in fact I've got several tools on my desk (tapes, cds and a dictionary). Learning a language though requires more attention than listening to a book.

Clothing! I would really like a new wardrobe... I keep holding off and holding off because my money is always spent in other ways... :(

My ex is supposed to send me some money today, I need to pay off my credit card, dental bills and a personal loan...

Maybe I will buy some clothes anyway, I really need some

Well... I'm going to go home