Monday, March 26, 2012

Avalanche, Weariness

I didn't sleep well last night, something kept me awake though I didn't feel any particular urgency about anything, just restlessness. This morning I awoke to 60+ MPH winds outside, I got up and shut the window and then attempted to sleep a bit more.

I dutifully got up and dressed, then drove away attempting to get to work. I dropped off Little R and got a few blocks in the direction of work when I decided to turn around as I was too tired to keep going.

So I came back home, informed my boss that I was too tired to come into work and attempted to sleep (again). I got a bit of rest, not the deep restorative kind, but a light kind of rest, then fired up the computer to work a bit from home.

So that's been my day, attempting sleep, bleary eyed work and some stumbling here and there, cleaning this and that.

In theory I should get to bed early so that I can wake up early, get done with work (early) then come home in order to take care of my kids...

Usually it's the other way around, go to bed late, wake up late, get to work late, come home late, get dinner made (late) then on and on ad nauseum....

Whenever I try to change that pattern something or other occurs to set me back. Either I can't sleep well, or I get sick or the kids keep me up, or I stay up trying to catch up in order to be ready for the next day.


I am starting to get better at some aspects of life, but others are still... challenging...

One interesting thing that I'm going to try out this year is the idea of a garden that is more like what God does out in nature, a simple concept where you keep adding wood chips (from tree trimmers) to a garden plot and the chips retain moisture and keep weeds out. The layers build up over time, the lower layers breaking down and becoming rich fertile soil, the new layers making a pleasant surface to work from and plant into.

There's a film online called "Back to Eden Film" that describes all about the method, it's a beautiful thing. :)

Sometimes the simplest methods work the best.

Poem About Weariness

If I close my eyes, am I closer to God? Is my spirit in a different realm? Am I safe?

If I focus on today, can I forget the follies of yesterday? Can I forget those stupid mistakes, if I no longer see the suffering they've caused? Or shudder from embarrassment from my mistakes.

If you forgive me, is my conscience clear? Especially when forever I know the duplicity of my behavior in the past.

Is torture any less cruel when it is inflicted from within?

If I close my eyes, will this sadness go away?

If I could only get enough sleep... perhaps tomorrow would be full of clarity, less errors.

Between stimulus and action is a choice, chaos is an avalanche of stimulus, a neglect of conscious choices... choices by default... I hate that.


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