Friday, March 9, 2012

Thoughts - Destressing after work...

Sometimes I have a hard time getting back to what's going on in my life, what is going on? It's hard to say really, most of my life is being defined by this big project at work. If it's going well then I feel good, if it's not then I get frustrated.

Point: This is not my life, and I'm missing out on a lot

I enjoy what I'm doing at work, don't get me wrong, I'm finding a lot of talents that I would like to develop... so that I can keep on working...

I care about so much more than this stuff though. I wish I could work simply for the enjoyment of working and could take off whenever I felt like taking off. That's my ideal, I like to work, but I don't like being tied to it.

I love cooking, especially when I can take the time to really immerse myself in the experience. Half baked projects are no fun... ;)

Today's been hard for me. Last night I slept between a rock and a hard place ie my youngest son and youngest daughter so I haven't been all that with it (I should have stayed in bed). I spent most of the morning here at work reviewing what needed to be said at our meeting at 3:00 PM. I tried to sync up with someone who I'm working with before the meeting so that we could review what needed to be said but he wasn't around. The meeting went on anyway, I tried my best and everyone said I did well but I felt bleh about it because I wasn't prepared (even after all my preparations) and wasn't able to transition smoothly from one topic to another. No matter what anyone says if I don't feel good about my performance than I don't think I did a good job. Well, live and learn, I haven't conducted these corporate type meetings before, I'm just hoping to get better at it quickly.

Speaking of that, getting better at this job stuff... all I can think about lately is that this position is going to end in June and then what?


I would like to get off of this treadmill, but I have to keep going or else I will crash.

Someday, I will be proficient at being a jolly good employee... but my kids will then be adults and on the same treadmill themselves... ironic

I AM happy though, that I've gotten on the treadmill towards better health. I bought a juicing machine, I've gotten all sorts of healthy probiotics, learned how to make coconut kefir, been eating chicken soup every day (to heal my digestive system), learned how to make sauerkraut, how to cook, clean yadda yadda it's a slow process...

I miss having friends, sleeping over, hanging out... I never imagined that life would get this hard as an adult. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner and stay there. I really miss being held, simply being loved, my ex husband didn't know how to do this simple task. To him life is all about SEX.

I miss blogging as well, I've not really been active. Blogging is often a way to define oneself. My definitions are getting blurred.

So I'm stuck on this treadmill. Life is all about work, and raising the kids. LIFE - I am more than this, JOB - I am more than this. KIDS - I am more than what you see.

My kids, I'm trying my best here. I want to be able to pay for everything they need, Dental Bills, Contacts and Glasses, clothing, extracurricular activities, food and housing...

I threw a bunch of money from my tax return at trying to fix things that have been ailing me, like my health, and my inability to get a good nights rest... I bought a new bed and bedding, cost me bunches of money, I feel guilty about spending it on bedding when I could have kept it in the bank for a rainy day (or paid off my credit card) but sometimes decisions are based upon emotion and my emotions have been up against my bed because I was waking up with back aches every night. I do feel my health improving from following this strict diet, I like that, but I wish that I could already know all this stuff I'm learning so that the process could be made easier for my kids. I wish I could make them treats without feeling guilty about feeding their sugar habits...

I'll figure it out I guess but needless to say, Mom's not the most popular person around. I want to buy the kids stuff, take them places but I reach my limit and can't go any further.

Blogging/Journaling seems to fulfill my big need to vent. I wish that my happy button was turned on though, I sometimes feel stuck in "Things are not good enough" mode when I know there are many things in life that are beautiful and wonderful. Like listening to music on the way to work, it has been mostly classical music lately, filling some yen I have for it I guess. I love looking out over the mountains, looking around and seeing the crisp contrast between the skyline and the mountain peaks. I love interacting with my fellow "Data Stewards" and growing in my ability to speak my mind, to be heard, to be respected... plus they are good friends as well. I listen to books sometimes at work, I finished the extended version of Les Mes, that took a lot of patience as there were many back ground scenes about French History, the French Revolution, Napoleon, even the French Sewer System. I also listened to "A Tale of Two Cities." I've read it before and really enjoyed the flow of it from that perspective (quick paced and unexpected), listening to it was different. I have also listened to some of "Bullfinches Mythology" a lot of it was wasted on me though as I couldn't follow the story lines at times.

I want to learn French, in fact I've got several tools on my desk (tapes, cds and a dictionary). Learning a language though requires more attention than listening to a book.

Clothing! I would really like a new wardrobe... I keep holding off and holding off because my money is always spent in other ways... :(

My ex is supposed to send me some money today, I need to pay off my credit card, dental bills and a personal loan...

Maybe I will buy some clothes anyway, I really need some

Well... I'm going to go home

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