Sunday, September 2, 2012

Heart Thoughts

I don't know why so much of my life is lived in a rather singular minded fashion. Force myself awake and to work. Clean, get things done... off to bed. A heart impervious, maybe even closed to the shared humanity around me.

The rat race. Someone described it today in church, the aching to get out of school to get on with life. Well life is what is happening now, life is the sore limbs, the headaches, pushing and striving towards a goal just out of reach.

Life is happening under our feet. Bugs busily gathering food, worms up for some breathing air getting stuck on the sidewalk. Birds chirping and chasing each other. My cat out jumping and snapping at the passing dragon fly's.

I wish I could hug more people. Just hug them to let them know someone notices their pain, notices that they are gritting their teeth and dealing because that's what they have to do. Ha I try to hug as many people that I can who wont take it in a bad way.

My oldest daughter, she is so brave and caring. I am amazed by her! She's grieving for a friend who passed away recently. He went to the park and hung himself. I don't know why. What can I say to her that could help? There isn't much.

People take their own lives. Who knows why or what could have stopped them.

My friend Joe was knocking me for grabbing leaves while out for a walk the other day. We walk together as part of the Adobe GCC healthy challenge. "What did the tree ever do to me?" well nothing. I have no reply for that except to answer why I like to grab leaves as I pass. There is something in the scent of pine needles, the texture of a maple leaf that reminds me that sitting at a desk all day is only an illusion of reality that I'm forced to live out for the sake of feeding my kids. I wish to capture a peace of the alternate reality before I go back to my desk.

That's why I like plunging my feet into the cold river and squishing my toes in the mud as well. These sensations remind me that the world is wonderful. It is full of wonder and beauty.

My dear cousins have lost their father today. He died in my cousin Yousefs arms. I feel for them, they all loved Uncle very much. I miss them too, don't get to see them nearly enough since they live in California. Thank goodness for facebook! Though I hate the site for many reasons (egocentric living, invasion of privacy, games that people get obsessed with etc...) I do like it for the aspect of connectivity that is hard to maintain in a world which is so spread apart as ours is.

I am going to go make some chicken soup for my little Japanese friend Nozhomi. She left church early today with Tracy (the Japanese girl in our ward who arraigned the home stays) as she caught a cold from gallivanting on the mountain yesterday in the rain (go figure).

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