Monday, December 31, 2012

Choosing to join the Order Management Team

I am feeling a great deal of grief that I haven't let myself feel over what happened in May-July of this year (2012).

I had been a "Data Steward" I loved the challenge, though I was wearing myself out in the emotional investment I had in the position, and I had been offered a tentative permanent position as the team lead. This would include a trip to India to train a new team. Then I heard nothing more about it.

In the mean-time a guy in the office, a manager, stopped by my desk and talked to me about another position that was opening, in accounting, "Order Management." I felt that it would be foolish to not interview for the job so I did and was offered the position. I accepted.

Really I wanted to have heard from my current manager about how much I was going to be paid, the benefits, etc...

The whole thing sickened me. I felt cut off from what I truly loved, developing processes. I LOST the chance to go to India. To walk in my fiances ancestral lands, to meet his parents and sister. I lost the chance to reconnect with him, to feel close to him again.

I've not been as invested in my position as an Order Management Rep for these reasons. I've not been my usual self. I need to let go of the pain and look for possibilities again, this position is not what I love doing, I can do it, but I don't exactly love it. BUT I need to put more heart into it, and into developing talents that I truly love, AND look for the opportunities, they are out there... but hard to grasp if being done from inside a shell.

I can't do anything about the chance that I lost to go see my sweetheart in India. Visiting India looks like a dream at this point.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Emotional Processing

I'm reading a book called "The Bright Red Bow," I picked it up as a way to try sorting through my emotions as it's hard for me to get to the therapists office. One thing that I know about myself is that I tend to feel slightly disdainful/sarcastic about anything that seems hokey (like people joining hands and singing koombaya). So I had to put those thoughts/feelings on hold while the author describes going back in her mind to her 7 year old self to process the feelings she felt then when she was abused, and processing the feelings of her 11 month old self that was in an accident with her family... Now that I've read more about it though it's starting to make sense. I've done similar kinds of things to process and let go of my feelings before. One feeling/action that surfaces again and again in my life is withdrawl. I withdraw into a shell when I'm confronted with anger, disdain... when I can't get anyone to help me around the house and I'm hurt because no one seems to care, when I don't have a chance to talk through things with those I love, when I'm under stress. I berate myself, I blame others... all subtly, I used to be worse. Well I'm tired of letting those feelings stop me from being as loving as I should be, or proactive AND I'm tired of letting my hurt carry over to other people. Plus I'm tired of being an accomplice to my own abuse, allowing things to happen to me that I don't really want.

So I like this book. I'm going to keep reading it and clear my heart from past hurts.

My Geranium Boy

I started this blog as a way to vent my feelings about my frustrating marriage to my now ex husband. That marriage was a nightmare, I shut myself off to protect myself from the truth of it.

My goal was to have a good life, a good family and to be a good wife and Mother. Well, I was so miserable. Life was hard. We were poor and I couldn't get my budget to work, ever. I wanted to be a good example to my kids, so I went to school. That left me with very little time for them. I grew into a zombie.

There was always this search for perfection, ever grasping for it. But I couldn't find it.

On top of that my ex was abusive, angry, irritable...

I had no one to reach out to so I thought I would try to reach out anonymously to people on the internet through a blog. That's why this blog has never really had much about my kids on it, nor much about anything that I'm thinking or feeling... I guess it's been a rather dead blog.

My thoughts and feelings were being shared through my poetry. Very sparsely worded poetry. Not many people could see through it.

Ajey could. He got right to the heart of it. He got past my blocked off and numb state when I went through a crises in my marriage. He has been there for me ever since. When we were together in Australia I was myself around him, someone that has been hidden for a long time. We had big plans to be together, this year took a toll on that though. Too many realizations that us being together would mean sacrificing either my closeness to my family, or Ajey's closeness to his. I love his family too much to see them suffer. His Dad and Mom are such sweethearts and his AMAZING sister Ashi. I love her so much, she has seemed to me a little sister.

This has been so hard. Cutting things off. At first I didn't feel the pain as much. But it's been slowly building. I feel it now but it's tempered by his continuing friendship.

I had set up an online dating profile. I deleted it. I'm not ready to try moving on.

I miss my geranium boy Ajey.