Sunday, December 30, 2012

Emotional Processing

I'm reading a book called "The Bright Red Bow," I picked it up as a way to try sorting through my emotions as it's hard for me to get to the therapists office. One thing that I know about myself is that I tend to feel slightly disdainful/sarcastic about anything that seems hokey (like people joining hands and singing koombaya). So I had to put those thoughts/feelings on hold while the author describes going back in her mind to her 7 year old self to process the feelings she felt then when she was abused, and processing the feelings of her 11 month old self that was in an accident with her family... Now that I've read more about it though it's starting to make sense. I've done similar kinds of things to process and let go of my feelings before. One feeling/action that surfaces again and again in my life is withdrawl. I withdraw into a shell when I'm confronted with anger, disdain... when I can't get anyone to help me around the house and I'm hurt because no one seems to care, when I don't have a chance to talk through things with those I love, when I'm under stress. I berate myself, I blame others... all subtly, I used to be worse. Well I'm tired of letting those feelings stop me from being as loving as I should be, or proactive AND I'm tired of letting my hurt carry over to other people. Plus I'm tired of being an accomplice to my own abuse, allowing things to happen to me that I don't really want.

So I like this book. I'm going to keep reading it and clear my heart from past hurts.

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