Sunday, December 30, 2012

My Geranium Boy

I started this blog as a way to vent my feelings about my frustrating marriage to my now ex husband. That marriage was a nightmare, I shut myself off to protect myself from the truth of it.

My goal was to have a good life, a good family and to be a good wife and Mother. Well, I was so miserable. Life was hard. We were poor and I couldn't get my budget to work, ever. I wanted to be a good example to my kids, so I went to school. That left me with very little time for them. I grew into a zombie.

There was always this search for perfection, ever grasping for it. But I couldn't find it.

On top of that my ex was abusive, angry, irritable...

I had no one to reach out to so I thought I would try to reach out anonymously to people on the internet through a blog. That's why this blog has never really had much about my kids on it, nor much about anything that I'm thinking or feeling... I guess it's been a rather dead blog.

My thoughts and feelings were being shared through my poetry. Very sparsely worded poetry. Not many people could see through it.

Ajey could. He got right to the heart of it. He got past my blocked off and numb state when I went through a crises in my marriage. He has been there for me ever since. When we were together in Australia I was myself around him, someone that has been hidden for a long time. We had big plans to be together, this year took a toll on that though. Too many realizations that us being together would mean sacrificing either my closeness to my family, or Ajey's closeness to his. I love his family too much to see them suffer. His Dad and Mom are such sweethearts and his AMAZING sister Ashi. I love her so much, she has seemed to me a little sister.

This has been so hard. Cutting things off. At first I didn't feel the pain as much. But it's been slowly building. I feel it now but it's tempered by his continuing friendship.

I had set up an online dating profile. I deleted it. I'm not ready to try moving on.

I miss my geranium boy Ajey.

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