Saturday, January 26, 2013

Dating, "Yippee"

DATING oh joy.

So I went on a date yesterday. Sort of. Or was it "kicking it" yeah...

I took a chance a few weeks ago on asking someone I liked talking to at work to come out with me and my friends (we all know each other so it was a simple extension). He turned it around and asked me to dinner and a movie. I have been getting clear vibes from him though that he likes talking to me... but also I get the vibe that he wants NOTHING relationship wise. Well, whatever, I'm independently happy.

Intuition told me that his extension of a date wasn't anything serious and I was proved to be right on that point when he invited his friends along for a double date, then talked to them instead of me. I went for the sake of experience.

I like talking to him to. He's like a puppy. Adorable. But attached to someone/something else, you can pet puppies that are not yours, but they are not yours and there is no point in getting attached.

SO from my point of view this is how things went.

I played a round of pool which was interesting/fun. I'm not good at all so it is no surprise Dave beat me, he likes winning, I don't really care. Next we played a round of "random ball" basically a game he showed me and my friends Mandi and Sorina before that I really like. He won at that as well.

While we were playing pool he shouted out to a girl walking by and they talked about clubbing and getting drunk. OK


I have dietary restrictions that make it so that it is hard to find a decent meal at a decent cost, so if I go somewhere other than Outback Steakhouse or a Brazilian grill I have to put up with whatever is on the menu that is gluten free (both places have pretty good gf food but are expensive).

We went to "Nates Smokehouse." They attested that their sauce is gluten free, but I don't trust un-certified claims so I didn't try it. Dave and his friends ordered some really good looking sandwiches, I didn't begrudge them their dinner, however mine was spring greens with a bit of strange tasting chicken... not too thrilling. NOT Dave's problem. I'm the one with the high standards about what I eat not something that I have to force on anyone else.

I tried to make the best of hanging around a group of long time friends. His friends are nice, like to joke around... well whatever they all like each other and I've never met them before. Happily I'm secure enough in myself that I didn't let the awkwardness get to me. I inserted comments wherever I could, but that it took a lot of patience to sit there mostly on the outside. Plus they were discussing pole dancing, Strippers, going on a cruise together, her family and problems, "Sleepovers" (parties where girls get together to discuss sex tools like lotions, creams, etc.), the celebrity they would "Cheat" with (most liked)... I think about different things. 

Next we drove across the street to say hi to Thor and his wife and three little kids. Dave really loves Thors kids and they are adorable and I know and like Thor so whatever. We said hi.

Then we drove through the fog to the movie theater. Dave suggested "Parker" I thought it was a different movie. It ended up being a slug fest with lots of swearing, some nudity and very little inspiration.

Dave and I talked a bit about the apartment he helps manage, that the pipes broke and that he was helping to fix things for the tenants. We talked a bit about random things as well.

OVERALL I got a clear message. "I am not interested in dating you, I'm doing this as a favor to you" (I guess that's what was going on) so OK. At least I know my intuition is spot on.

Well now...

I had a dream when I got home that the date went differently and there was a small bit of closeness, that was weird. But reality is that there wasn't.

I feel dizzy and icky today, like I've caught some bug. Not too thrilled about that. I'm tired and am not up to doing much with my kids. AS Usual! :(

I want to sleep but have Roxie here and need to try to take care of her. BUT I so don't feel up to it. 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Setting my Goals


I listened in on a discussion about goal setting, it was a work sponsored seminar. A big goal setting hot shot was talking, giving everyone acronyms to follow, I followed a link someone posted in the forum... "Consider Not Setting Goals in 2013"

Something about goals has always been so tantalizing for me. Set up these goals, something to reach for, become... you will find the fountain of happiness and all of your wildest wishes will come true. They have never worked out quite the way that I thought they would. I used to become obsessed with planning everything out, setting steps, setting time frames... somehow that's not how I've achieved things when I do achieve them, aside for school that worked out fairly well with time frames and goals. For the most part I've done better by setting paths, setting myself towards something that I want to be/achieve.

My goals are simpler than what they used to be.

My goals are paths that I'm on, commitments to who I want to be.

I want to be healthy, fit, strong.

I want to be a good mother.

I want to be the type of woman who can give and receive in a relationship, without that relationship being unhealthy. Someone who nurtures and receives nurturing, someone who works to keeping my responsibilities and doesn't expect another to take them on for me. Someone who is self confident and secure enough to be whole without someone else.


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Thoughts - Healing my heart

Making mistakes and forgiving myself anyway...

Today I have been reflective, off and on. In a lifetime we all make mistakes, some of them more grievous than others. Our mistakes illuminate the weaknesses within us, the faults and the lies that we tell ourselves.

Sometimes when I write I feel that I have to explain myself to others, and that I have to justify myself in my own eyes. Or perhaps I write to try and comprehend why I feel the way I do, why I have acted the way that I have.

I have shackles around my ankles, created as manifestations of my own weaknesses, created through living and trying to find love and acceptance.

I KNOW that I've never intentionally hurt anyone, but from my own hurt I have often sought solace.

I also know that there is a tendency within me to take the pain of others actions upon myself, to try to heal others through my own hurt. I have allowed myself to be abused in so many ways, all to preserve/protect those who I loved, who I thought loved me.

Why have I been eating the blame for others actions and intentions? Why have I given myself up as I have?

I once dreamed of a life in which I was loved, wholly and completely, a love that would fill all of the dark corners of my soul. Once upon a time I wrapped my arms around myself, I looked into my own eyes and saw the depth and the beauty of my own soul, and saw that it is still whole. I still care.