Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Thoughts - Healing my heart

Making mistakes and forgiving myself anyway...

Today I have been reflective, off and on. In a lifetime we all make mistakes, some of them more grievous than others. Our mistakes illuminate the weaknesses within us, the faults and the lies that we tell ourselves.

Sometimes when I write I feel that I have to explain myself to others, and that I have to justify myself in my own eyes. Or perhaps I write to try and comprehend why I feel the way I do, why I have acted the way that I have.

I have shackles around my ankles, created as manifestations of my own weaknesses, created through living and trying to find love and acceptance.

I KNOW that I've never intentionally hurt anyone, but from my own hurt I have often sought solace.

I also know that there is a tendency within me to take the pain of others actions upon myself, to try to heal others through my own hurt. I have allowed myself to be abused in so many ways, all to preserve/protect those who I loved, who I thought loved me.

Why have I been eating the blame for others actions and intentions? Why have I given myself up as I have?

I once dreamed of a life in which I was loved, wholly and completely, a love that would fill all of the dark corners of my soul. Once upon a time I wrapped my arms around myself, I looked into my own eyes and saw the depth and the beauty of my own soul, and saw that it is still whole. I still care.

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