Friday, February 15, 2013

Frame of Mind

I'm in a strange place in my life right now. Since my diet has changed, the levels of my emotions have changed. I don't feel mind numbing depression, which is good, but I don't know how to explain this unfulfilled sadness that I now have. Today it's been terrible, mostly because I stayed up late last night half working half trying to feel out the dating websites I joined. I say feel that out because it seems like I'm a non-entity on these sites. Guys will send me smiles, flirts, messages that they wouldn't mind an email from me. BUT then I respond and nothing... no response or 1 message and then .........

That's frustrating.

I don't know what to change/if there is any point in changing what I have put on the profile, I'm not sure that it will make any difference.

I am THIS person. Does it help to try harder?

In other ways it's strange because I am at this place of equilibrium and dating/getting involved with someone would change that. SO I'm not sure I really want to go there anyway... I'm OK being who I am, I've come to terms with a lot of things in my life that have been really hard. In some ways I just don't want to try to have to explain that to someone else. I sort of get the feeling that these guys are looking for someone without children, without emotional baggage... they don't want to put themselves out there for someone. Then there is a problem with the TYPE of guys on these sites, I have the extremely emotionally damaged types, the I'm too good for anyone look at my Pecs (how great am I?) type, the OK guys who don't really want to get involved with a family. WHAT am I wasting my time for on these sites? There was 1 guy, who sort of seemed he wanted to get involved with me. Except he was giving me signals that what he really wanted was to talk about sexual fantasies. So I told him I didn't want to be played. He assumed it was because of some emotional baggage but mostly it was because I felt unsure of who he was. I didn't know him. He sort of tried again a couple of times trying to be "intimate" but I would get nervous afterwords and text him about that. That wasn't cool for him, I tried to explain that it takes time to get to know someone. That trust is not automatically given away, that is foolish. That intimacy should come after trust is developed. That ended that.

In a way I was really proud of myself for feeling out the issues and standing firm. In another way it left me feeling frustrated and questioning myself about what I had lost? My sexual instincts, my understanding of what guys need, how I should approach them... and what about LDS standards anyway? I need to hold the line here... but what if there isn't anyone out there that is going to accept that I am trying to hold this line and yet I have failed so many times to hold that line in the past.... doesn't that look hypocritical... so am I ineligible for celestial companionship now? I've got kids, I have baggage.


Anyway that's where I'm coming from. I should go to bed to hopefully get enough sleep to be in a better frame of mind tomorrow.

~SG