Thursday, March 14, 2013


Summer time, growing up that was the BEST time of year. My cousins would come from out of town, Deda and Susu from Saudi Arabia; Shany from Arizona

Local cousins would vie for their time. Shany and I were two peas in a pod, she would often stay with me. Deda and Susu would live with their mom in a rented apartment. I liked to go hang out with them because they had a pool :)

Somehow, summer seemed to be the only time I was alive, truly alive.

I have vivid and permanent images in mind of how everything was. The old red van parked in the same spot from year to year, broken down. The lilac bushes that were sometimes full, sometimes broken apart depending upon if they had been climbed on. The fence on the front porch, the random square bushes that we could fall into when they were full of leaves and over grown.

The thick, thick grass front and back. The textures of the grass and soil as I walked barefoot around the yard.

My broken window, my parents thought it was broken in the big storm that ripped through and tore a tree up by the roots which fell on the house... actually it was me, trying to practice throwing baseballs... I was throwing them at the pillows on my bed but missed.

The trampoline!! The neighbors, how they fascinated me...

Walking barefoot down center street, hanging out at the decrepit shops and just loving it. "The Blue Door" a store that we couldn't find a name on. It was a hippy wonder land in there, Grateful Dead paraphernalia, incense, random mood rings and rings with crystals.

Life was intense! I miss that freedom, that yearning... innocence

I embarked upon marriage with the intense hope of youth. Love grew and waned through the years and so did hope. I had big dreams about how life was going to be, about the kind of mom I was going to be. Never did I think I would end up divorcing the way that I did. I held on, and LOVED so intensely and hurt so deeply. I turned away and turned back. Always, always trying to be a better person.

Then it ended.

My identity vanished

My nights became a reminder of the absence of that constant companionship that had been mine. I REALLY missed my husband. I screamed out in frustration that I COULD NOT turn back, I couldn't take him back no matter what he said to me. No matter what. Because he had betrayed a trust so basic that it couldn't be repaired. Even though I have forgiven him, I can't forget and I know who he is and what he's done.

I was writing to try and regain my voice. Ajey heard me. That relationship was VERY hard. I was so intrigued by his intellectual reasoning, I loved his songs. There was a great deal of irrationality in the relationship as well though. We went back and forth between what was possible and what wasn't. I felt unsettled a lot of the time. I was frustrated.

LOVE oh love if only I could regain the intense beauty of it.

As the sigh of the sea, the scent in the wind, the glorious stars

Longing for wordless connections, no longer empty silence

Simple silence, a pause

a breath

Lilac scented summer, soft grass

Shivering together, lovers, clasped

Stars pass overhead

Time stands still



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