Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Soul Searching

When I started this blog in 2009 I was trying to find a way to express myself, honestly. I'm a fairly introverted person, it's difficult to speak my mind at times because the words get stuck in my head in evaluation mode. There the words spin, and spin until the opportunity to speak is lost and what I wish to speak becomes irrelevant to the moment I find myself in.

It is sometimes frustrating in the sense that I at times feel misunderstood. Therefore I blog in order to speak my mind.

My thoughts tend to gel together right before I go to bed, which is frustrating since I don't want to jump up to write them down.

I was at one point in time a stay-at-home mom with an accounting degree. I had all of this potential, I could see it, I wanted to prove I could do what I was trained to do. I hated that I was so inexperienced that I couldn't find a way into a job that would let me gain experience. It was a difficult time for me, a soul searching time. I tapped into areas of my soul that left me breathless with the possibilities. I pulled together tools, art supplies, books on writing, books on studying for the GMAT/GRE, I cleaned and organized, found ways to meet the needs of my children, found ways to improve our living situation.

Now having run through the wringer of the past few years I feel this sense of stagnation. It feels like I've lost my sense of self.

Part of this had to do with placing my sense of self into a relationship that was on hold. A relationship that was untested, draining, and stressful.

The person who I wanted to be was in many ways shuttered into a shell. The projection of myself an image of my shadow self, not fully there.

I'm crawling out now taking stock of the situation. I'm somewhat shocked that I've come this far, a bit frustrated that I'm not further along (financially), and reassessing the direction I want to go.

So what direction do I want to go in?


Working gives me an opportunity to earn x amount of money. But if I don't pour my heart and soul into the work then I will stagnate, my earning potential will stagnate...

I am more than a worker

I thrive on creative thought, soul searching, sitting out in nature and soaking in the wildness of the world.

I work for a wonderful company, I want to do my best for them, I want to learn what I need to know in order to do my job more proficiently and efficiently.

AND I want to connect with my kids, open up and gain their respect. I want to teach them about creating and maintaining health. I want them to believe in me, believe in my word.

I want to be financially stable.

I feel a need to redefine my identity in terms of what I actually believe, morally, ethically, etc. 

Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? What do I want to create?

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