Saturday, June 29, 2013

Strange Dream

Last nights dream was this. I was late to my cousins wedding celebration/reception. Everyone in there was dancing, they all had REALLY nice dresses, they all had perfectly done hair. I was wearing an old skirt and random shirt that I had grabbed in haste, my hair was straight like it usually is. I was carrying a mixture of seeds, millet, that had been soaked. My Dad asked me what I was going to do with it, I told him that I was going to make some cornbread for the party. The mixture I was holding was sort of a tightly packed together square of stuff that I was carrying in my hands. It started to crumble. I was frantically searching for a mixing bowl but all I could find were pots. I turned around to head back home, on the way a lady from my ward stopped me. Her name is Susan, she takes care of an older lady, Ursala. The older lady is declining fast. In my dream she was toothless and her eyes had been covered over by a white film. Susan asked me, deftly, if I would be willing to listen to/a presentation about a prepaid cell phone service and she started showing me packages all colored red and green to represent the different service levels. I told her I didn't have time at the moment. She told me she could stop by when I'm free. I felt bad about her living situation and figured that this was the way they were trying to earn money. So I agreed to let her visit the next day and decided that if it wasn't something I wanted to do then I would give her some money instead. My seed cake kept crumbling, I hurried out. I could see everyone in the gym having a good time. They were doing the rumba, holding on to each others waist and dancing around the gym. I felt jealousy surge within me. Jealousy for their closeness, jealousy for their nice dresses, their hair, my cousin Dezra danced by, blissfully happy. I rushed out the door. A girl in a ridiculous, over-sized dress, was in the parking lot. For some reason her dress was like a wire bad frame, people were pointing and laughing at her but ignoring me. I pointed and laughed for a minute as well then left. I needed to get eggs for my mixture of seeds in order to make it into something resembling corn bread. I also felt like changing, but couldn't think of anything in my closet nice enough to make me feel special at the dance. I thought about doing my hair, but realized that I don't have that much skill at doing hair. I saw my mom on the way and asked for her help. I was really sad inside that I didn't have anything to bring to the party. My "corn bread" wasn't done, I didn't have a present, I didn't feel like I was good enough to be at the party either. She took me home, I couldn't explain to her how I felt but wanted to, I wanted to cry on her shoulder but didn't. She had also been approached by Susan about the phone plan thing and told me of her revulsion. I secretly felt revolted but told her their living situation and that I planned on giving her money the next day. She went back to the party. I threw down the stuff for the "corn bread" and decided that I would instead go out in search of a different dress, and a present. I started on foot. I waled a few blocks then realized that I didn't have enough money, for dress or really nice present. So I turned to go back to the party. I had to cross really dangerous streets. Every time I would get to the edge I had to jump up and down to get the cars to notice me. Some of the people in the cars gave me a glare as they passed. I waited until things were clear then I would sprint across. I got back to the party, sort of, I was down the street in  the parking lot I imagined everyone in there having a good time and wanted to just give up and leave. Then I woke up.

So this dream represents how I feel a lot of times. Unprepared, impotent, unable to fit in, uncared for. I really longed to be a part of the celebration but didn't feel worthy enough to be there. Part of this unworthy feeling is driving me to cut myself off from others. It's also making me compromise where I shouldn't. I need to think about this a bit more...

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