Monday, July 29, 2013

Thoughts 07/29/13

Sometimes it seems that life is just a series of similar days, full of foibles and victories, full of striving. Sometimes it seems that I'm not getting anywhere, like nothing is changing.

Life is a series of incremental changes. Like sand through an hour glass. It passes ever so slowly through the sieve and what once seemed like an endless array of days and years on one end of your life end up as piles of days and years used up on the other.

I've been tending towards the paranoid lately when it comes to friendships. I hate seeing them end. It hurts when the object of your affection and regard disappears into the sands of time. It would help if I felt that those people who I had devoted much care and attention were still people I could call on if need be. It seems though that I expect too much out of life, out of my friends/loves...

I cared about Ajey deeply, I saw my failings and lived with the fear that he would come to resent me for them... it seems that he has. I knew that being together was the wrong course of action for both of us. I have too many ties here and not enough money/autonomy to maintain those ties both here and abroad. I couldn't have moved to India with my children. I couldn't have asked his parents to foot the bill for that, my own couldn't afford to help me in that matter either. He outright told me that he would give up any support from his parents if he came here, if we were together. It hurts to have been pushed into this impossible scenario. To have kept giving and giving to our relationship, trying as I might to give time to it when time fled my hands each day in my frantic efforts to pull myself together as a person, as a mother.

My weaknesses were in the fact that I couldn't sustain connectedness to Ajey, I was not as thoughtful as he was (or thoughtful in the same way), I couldn't send him as much stuff as he sent me, I couldn't respond to all the emails he sent in any sentient way, I was utterly buried in his affection... but more and more withdrawn as time passed and I realized that I wasn't living up to what he needed me to be.

Now I feel somewhat betrayed. It is right and proper that he found someone over there to be with. BUT he told me that we would always be friends. I thought our affection in that regard would not disappear. I thought he would still regard me with kindness. He doesn't. He basically blocked me from all of his posts on fb and purposely seems to be avoiding me. Jealousy of his now fiance I suppose...

That leaves me back to myself. Back to the silent whispers of my own soul filling each hour with a voice of longing to hear another soul speak the same words as my own. I am afraid of making new friendships. I want to feel connected, to be part of friendships that will last and not see them fade into the distance as a sunset of the past.

Friday, July 12, 2013

The End of The Affair

"You needn't be so scared, love doesn't end, just because we don't see each other... everything must be alright, if we love enough" ~Sarah, "The End of The Affair"