Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Pieces of Myself

It's raining outside, rain always stirs my soul into contemplation. The past few weeks and months have been interesting. I've been on this quest to obtain all of the pieces of my personal puzzle that I feel to have been missing from my life. Around 6 years ago I found a little health food store, trying to make a go of things. I can't remember the name of that store now, they went out of business, but I do remember placing an image in my mind of who and what I wanted to be as I made a goal to seek after good health for myself, family and good health for the planet. I imagined never going into a store without a bag, I imagined stepping with confidence and energy, in fact I wrote a list at one point of who I wanted to be.

In part, I wanted to be able to speak to anyone with confidence, without fear. I wanted to be able to defend myself. I wanted poise, and grace. I've always thought of my grandmother as a beautiful lady and I've held her up as my ideal.

She was a co-founder of "The Orem Women's Club." She was well spoken, beautiful, always dressed well... a true lady.

I want to live with passion! I want to wake up each day full, of energy, of motivation, of life!

I think this is why part of me has been hesitant to be completely "IN" a relationship because I don't want to hurt the other person, I don't want to leave, but I don't want to be restricted from meeting other people... getting to know myself in relation to others. But then again I want to have the deepest most meaningful relationship of my life! I want to be part of some kind of Zen level of thinking where they understand me, I understand them... where I know what he is thinking, and he knows me deeply, truly, fully...

Is this fairy Tale thinking?

Sometimes I like to indulge myself a bit when thinking on the subject of what I would like to do with my life. If I didn't have to work, I could explore all of the books on my shelf, become a wise woman who can speak to almost any subject. I could practice Yoga, fill my soul with deep thought and contemplation. I could learn how the body should move, exercise, wander mountain paths and breathe the fresh, clean air. Learn which plants are edible, dig my toes into the loamy dirt and soak in the sun as I read. I could test out any number of recipes, really get the hang of getting dinner on the table each night, some tantalizing dish of nourishing food. I could sit by a stream and draw dandelions. Write songs as I walk along. Daydream...

I'm trying to fit a bit of my soul wishes into each day. Making my job work for me, and working out all of the pieces of myself that I want to be.