Monday, October 14, 2013

Many Fears

I am suffering. From a lack of a better phrase.

Each day seems to bleed into the next and it's depressing. I need to find things to look forward to. I need to make the time to do things.

In a lot of ways I've just loaded my days up with work and my interest in research about food, putting off other interests, putting off other plans.

In some ways I am scared to plan, afraid that I will be disappointed if I plan, afraid to dream. I put so much effort at one point into writing down all of my goals, my hopes, wishes, dreams.... stuff I really, really wanted to do and accomplish. But then life took over, it's not easy to prioritize sometimes. The bulk of my life is made up of working... I hate being compelled to work so much...

There needs to be balance, I really need to find that balance... fit in the most important things so that I can have time for the other things. The problem is, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I feel are important. Learning sql to advance my career, writing speeches for Toast Masters (I've yet to do this, I really need to), being involved with Toast Masters in order to learn leadership skills. The problem here is that I'm scared, I don't know what to do... I feel like I don't have time. Perhaps that's my cue... I don't have time. I need to plan out dinners... but I get frustrated, I spend more money than I would like because it's easier to grab fresh meat in order to cook something quickly. I don't plan out dinners because I'm afraid my kids wont be home to eat and that the food will go to waste. I need to plan activities with my kids... but I'm afraid that if I do they won't want to go with me, they won't want to be with me. I'm afraid that I won't have enough money saved for our bills... afraid to spend... but ironically spend when it comes to things I want, things that further my plans around the house, or books that I'm interested in.

There is a lot of fear that I'm battling. So much fear. What can I do?

1 comment:

A.O. Reed said...

Who are you? Thank you for "following" my entries. I read yours as well. I too suffer through similar struggles. I am a parent, like you. Continue to write, and thank you for sharing.