Thursday, October 10, 2013

Monkey on my back

I was listening to an interview on NPR today about focus. ADD, mindfulness, cortisol... how all of these things work together. How they are having kids practice techniques in mindfulness to improve their concentration.

I realized tonight that when I am trying to complete a TV series I get too wrapped up in it and watch too many episodes... I want to finish it. I don't savor the show I gorge on the show. Plus I try to do several things at once. Work and watch show and help kids with homework. It's all counter productive.

I don't tend to plan a lot. I hate sticking to schedules. I hate planning. For the most part because I spent so much time planning at certain points in my life and those plans never panned out. I tried to schedule things, but for the most part I could never stick to my schedules. I feel much like a failure in that regard.

Every day I grab my notebook with my "Toastmasters" workbooks which have different speeches we're supposed to work on and I bring them with me to work. I am hoping that some golden moment will arrive when I've completed all of my work and am just sitting there with nothing to do and I can write, something.

Sometimes I open up my blog at work, and leave it open, inviting myself to write some profound thought down. Like I can pull anything profound out of my brain when I'm shutting it off to focus on crunching numbers.

I am a creative, intuitive person. A lot of my innate skills are not used from day to day. It's isolating to me.

I like challenges and I would spend inordinate amounts of time teaching myself all this junk in order to compete....

Challenges, that's the spice. How can I make X system work better with Y system. How can I organize. I'm all about organizing. In fact that's a deferring tactic that I have used in the past. I can organize the heck out of things just to put off dealing with them... actually committing.

Perhaps that's what I'm doing with my relationships. Trying to fit them into a box, trying to analyze them, keep them at a distance.

Not getting too close... because getting too close well, I don't want to lose my individuality.

Sam... he's gotten in my head, got me twisted around until I'm not sure what I want. Very skillfully done. Twisted it around so that the only relief that I can get from his whiny, persistence is compromising on my integrity.

I feel like he's ruined my ability to try out relationships with other men. He's outright told me that other men won't care about our children the same way he does so there's no legitimacy to my having relationships with others. In many ways I don't feel safe dating, nor making a decision for moving forward in any relationship because I'm scared up a tree. Not wanting to really reveal my true feelings/identity to the enemy.

I'm no good like this. I've got to get Sam off my back. Else he will always be there, the monkey on my back, pricking me ever and anon...


A.O. Reed said...

Kick him out. Evict Sam from your "head". He doesn't pay rent. He hasn't ruined your ability to try out relationships with other men unless you've let him. Positive thoughts your way. Keep writing!

Strawberry Girl said...

Thanks A.O. :)