Friday, February 24, 2017

How a nice girl can turn mean

I've always striven to be nice, or lets say I have always wanted to be well liked and I thought that being nice was the way to achieve that. I feel what I perceive others are feeling pretty deeply and that's always put me in the position of trying to see things from other peoples point of view.

On the other hand I get overwhelmed by other people at times and disconnect from them a lot. I used to have the habit of getting wrapped up in the outcome of other peoples choices and I guess in a way my best intentions of love and concern for them were also wrapped up in a bit of judgment that they were not doing things, life I guess, the way I thought they should. My happiness was so wrapped up in other people that I resented them and their mistakes vs. Loving them despite their mistakes.

All that being said, I over analyze, myself and others motivations and intentions. So although I am trying to be nice and a good person I fall short sometimes... Often.

I think that human beings can get so wrapped up in keeping score that we can get caught in a cycle of pettiness. Doing little things to even the balance on the score card. We feel resentful for doing so much and not being appreciated that we will do little things to take back some of the good things that we feel that we contributed to the relationship. Or get back at the other person for the hurts that they have dealt us.

At least in some ways I think that is what has happened in these final stages of my relationship with my ex-husband. I felt resentful in the hurts I was dealt, the mistrust I was shown, in a way fulfilling his perception of me as someone to not trust. I left our pictures in the bedroom of the condo we shared together, and other mementos because I wanted him to feel some of the pain that he had inflicted on me. I also insulted his hobby of doing a radio show because I thought he was talking badly about me. I feel bad about being petty and I feel bad for trying to get more of a reaction from him. Perhaps I was a bit more blatant because I know that he doesn't show his reactions and I just wanted to see something of the pain I've been feeling...  Not nice, I truly know it.

I want to be genuinely kind and that is hard to do when lashing out in pain. How have you overcome this problem? Or have you? Let me know in the comments.


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