Friday, March 31, 2017

Ice Breakers Speech for Toastmasters

Yesterday I gave a speech for Toastmasters called "The Icebreaker" project. Toastmasters is an organization that is set up expressly for the purpose of developing speaking and leadership skills. Years ago I joined a different Toastmasters chapter and went with my friends to several of the meetings. I got up a few times to do "Table Topics" which is giving an impromptu speech and that just killed my desire to get up and speak because my mind would blank, my throat would tighten up, I would nearly pass out and basically I would mutter a few things and sit down. That was the wrong approach, I was not confident or organized enough to be a part of Toastmasters back then... but I think I am ready now.

I talked about myself, "The Icebreaker" is an introduction to who you are, the title "Finding My Voice." Basically I discussed how it is difficult for me to give speeches and it has been difficult for everyone in my family to speak up because we all have struggled with some type of illness or another that affects the brain and how it organizes thoughts into speech. My older brother has Autism, a disorder where the brain ineffectively filters out the input from the world, sensory overload, and thus makes expression difficult. My younger brothers (my youngest brother in particular) struggle with ADHD and that too makes expression difficult. I and my younger sister have struggled with Major Depressive Disorder and health problems that have made it difficult to speak up.

This speech was very raw and I made myself very vulnerable by discussing these things, as well as the difficulties that I faced as a young mother striving to get through high school and college. I am pleasantly surprised that I was able to give this speech, in a coherent manner and without fainting. My next speech is set for a couple of weeks out, I'm going to put even more thought into writing this one and practicing.


Sunday, March 26, 2017

The times that I need a husband...

Most of the time I can get around life alright, I can get a mechanic out to fix my car, I can hire someone to do things for me around the house (or have a friend come help), there are many things that I need a man to help me with but I need a husband when I am scared and not sure what to do.

I've been dealing with an achy tooth since last Friday. I called for an appointment that afternoon and suffered it out over the weekend. I hate taking medication but I made an exception and took some pain killers reasoning that it was only for a short amount of time and that the dentist would fix it on Monday. Well, I went in on Monday and they took a picture, yippie! Then gave me antibiotics and sent me home with an appointment 2 weeks out. Boo. I don't like antibiotics, they mess up the gut microbiome and cause all sorts of problems. So I wanted to avoid taking them. Well I called the Dentist up and asked him if he would take me sooner, he had me schedule something for the next morning. Yay! I went in, had the procedure (which was extra painful for some reason) and I thought it was surly over, nope! My face stayed swollen all week and Friday I discovered an abscess in my gums. So I ran to the doctor to get a shot of antibiotics (less likely to mess up the gut) and I thought that would help. NOPE So now I'm dealing with this weird abscess thing on the side of my gums and it's getting more and more swollen and like it wants to pop. So I try to pop it myself and what do I end up with? No relief, more pain, and WORRY about what the hell is going on and what I should do about it.

At this point I just want someone to say, "I'm taking you to the doctors and getting this fixed." But I don't have that person, I actually didn't have that person with my ex-husband either but that's a different story. I need someone to be calm when I am scared and to take over when I am not thinking clearly. I don't need helpful (unhelpful) comments from the sidelines, I don't need sympathy, I need help.

I guess I wouldn't necessarily need a husband if I had someone else who could help me all the time but dang it I sure miss the convenience of having a sturdy friend/lover to rely on all the time. :/

This is the kind of situation that makes me very, very lonesome and probably less sensible than I should be... :/


Sunday, March 19, 2017


sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
"the victims should be treated with compassion"
synonyms: pity, sympathy, empathy, fellow feeling, care, concern, solicitude, sensitivity, warmth, love, tenderness, mercy, leniency, tolerance, kindness, humanity, charity
"have you no compassion for a fellow human being?"

To me compassion is a root word. It's definition is encompassing of the many human feelings that make relationships work. Without compassion we have coldness, hardness, intolerance, no mercy, no kindness, no charity.

If we haven't experienced a lot of compassion then we might not understand or be compassionate towards others. We may be intolerant of others faults, especially when we are intolerant of our own faults.

I don't know if reiterating this very human concept is going to solve any of the mysteries of human relationships for me, I do know that as much as I want to be more compassionate towards others I often fall short.

It is the loving look in your eyes, your caress, the way you hold me and kiss me that tell me that you value who I am. My defenses drop when I am offered a taste of what I am missing in my life. I've learned that things are not always simple, that beauty is fleeting and that one moment will change into the next, ultimately we come back to ourselves and we must be compassionate for the quiet soul who resides there.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Growing up

The question we all ask ourselves when we are growing up and that others ask is "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I think that question is flawed, we can't peer into the future and see what kinds of opportunities are available to us, we have certain aspirations sometimes but that doesn't necessarily mean that if we pick something when we're little that we will get to do that. 

It's not impossible for a kid to pick out what they want to do, certainly, but it's improbable. I think that the most important thing is to set a goal and start to work towards the goal but pay attention to the opportunities. If an opportunity comes along it may be disguised as a hard or difficult experience. I certainly wouldn't have guessed that I would be going down this road to having my own little recording studio and dance studio. The path that took me here was a broken heart. If I dwell on that, especially the anger that I feel at times, then my progress is impeded. I have to let the bad feelings go in order to let the good ones in. I'm really excited! We are so close to being done! This whole crazy, wild project has been the most fun I have had in a long time. :)

Goodnight Internet land