Sunday, April 23, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.
As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.
As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.
As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.
As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.
As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.
As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.
We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born.Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Life is like a play and different people are in different scenes
When we are little we play the role of baby, then child, then teenager, as we pass into adulthood we play the role of young adult, adult, middle aged and old aged.
The young have difficulty understanding the roles of adulthood and in some ways adults forget how to play the roles of the young.
Life has always been hard, I'm not saying that in a fatalistic or pessimistic way but it is a statement of fact.
I remember clearly hoping for the next stage in life thinking that I would escape the uncertainty, loneliness and difficulties of the stage that I was in. To a certain extent I now look back at the seemingly carefree days of my youth and longing for simpler times (when I wasn't in charge of making sure everything was OK).
The characters in my play when I was little included my grandparents, my parents, my brothers and sister, my cousins, aunts and uncles, the kids at school and the kids in the neighborhood. In the auxiliary scenes were people in my church, my teachers, principal etc.
I had a certain world view, my days were spent at school, at church and at home. I had difficulty making friends because I am a deep thinker and most of the time it was hard to convey my thoughts to others. I liked to play with dolls, do my hair and make-up, a lot of the same things as other girls but I have never been able to just think of shallow things. In the back of my mind were the stacks of books that I wanted to read, the things I wanted to influence and change (in my family), and the projects I wanted to take on in my own fantasy world. I wanted to have fun, I had a lot of fun, but it was usually me coming up with wild schemes and plans, I was always thinking of something new to do. It was hard for me to relate to other kids, other girls especially. I was a Tom Boy I suppose though that terminology seems to have changed. I can't say that I felt like a boy so I will stick with Tom Boy.
I was lonely, in my own world trying to learn about everything, I broke out of that world when my cousins would come over and when my brother and I would play video games. There again I would play video games and even got addicted to them but I felt some amount of shame for wasting my time so I found myself turning away from them.
My desire to fit in led me to make stupid decisions. Like going along with my "friend" who went shop lifting. Luckily I got caught and had to talk to a judge and that ended my shoplifting career. What was not so lucky for me was that I wanted to have a boyfriend, that desire led me to become a young mother.
And the scenes of my life changed.
As a young mother I was still a teenager so I still felt the desire to play and do fun things. This led me to put up a swimming pool outside of the window in our kitchen and climbing through with my kids. I still liked to watch Pokemon and play the game. I was jealous of my cousins who could still go out on dates and I really just lost touch with them because they couldn't relate to me and we couldn't do a lot of teenage things together.
The player in my life were still the same but with the added dynamic of a husband (who was still a teenage boy) and babies who needed me to be a mother.
I had a great desire to be the kind of mother they deserved, and I desired to go to school in order to be a good example for them.
Fast forward to my life now. My children are all growing up, my youngest is 10, I've been divorced from my first husband now for 6 years and separated/divorced from my second for 6 months. I don't know how this stage of life is supposed to work, I get the whole going to work and providing for my children aspect but I no longer go to church so that whole community of people and set beliefs is no longer there. I made breakfast for my children this Easter morning, and gave them small Easter presents but they will have to wait to do their Easter Egg hunt at my parents. Then that is getting awkward, unless my nieces are there the only one who is still technically a child is my youngest girl at 10. This developing stage of my life is me, without the support of a husband, without that consistency... and it's weird. Who do I let into the scenes of my life's play now? I don't exactly want to be in a relationship right now, I don't think I've found the right person, I don't know if I will ever find the right person. The person who I thought was right, turned out to think I was the wrong person and left... and that has been really hard for me. I gave my heart, my hopes and dreams to someone and the relationship that we had... and now it's gone.
So what do I do? Keep dating guys? They want to sleep with me... I don't want to sleep with a bunch of different guys. But I don't want to just date one guy, I want to get to know several people and then decide to be with one person, that is a long term process. SO I am stuck in a weird situation.
That is the play of my life right now, the scenes don't make a lot of sense to me. I don't really know how to play this part, but I will figure it out.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Why are humans so compelled to religion? Why do we feel good when hearing about others religious experiences?
Case in point - I attended sacrament meeting today. First was a talk by a lady obsessed with family history and recording personal histories (I can see the validity of this to a point, but it can become an all consuming obsession). It was interesting to hear stories of her pioneer ancestors though I couldn't help but wonder the whole time how human beings get caught up in a psychological battle with themselves about what they believe. About how comforting it is to be a part of a movement, a group that seems to have things all worked out and how it is harder to face the void and meaninglessness of life and persevere making your life's meaning be what you want it to be. I was flipping through facebook on my phone while contemplating this. Then her husband got up to speak. He told of the extreme circumstances that he faced. His wife left him and took his two younger boys. He was left with his older son who developed a serious disease. He was in a car accident. He lost his job. His hair was falling out due to the stress. He turned towards God and while on taking pictures at his brothers temple wedding a woman who came out of the temple radiating happiness came up to him and told him that she felt impressed to tell him that God loved him. I've gotta tell you this story made me tear up. I've been there. I've been so poor that looking for spare change in the house would be pointless since we had scoured it many times. I've been harassed by debt collectors at 5 AM while my husband worked in a different state. I had to get on my knees and ask for guidance and I've found it. I've had encounters with people who seemed like angels to me since they appeared at my lowest states. AND it's hard to turn from believing in that to not believing because there is that something inside that wants to believe. BUT it feels the same way as believing in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy did as a kid. AND a lot more evidence (or lack there of) points to the religion as a fraud... but what a fraud it is.