Strawberry Girls Reflections

All in my head?

2012-01-28T13:21:00.002-07:00

I'm reading a book titled "Gut and Psychology Syndrome" written by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride MD, MMedSci(neurology), MMedSci(nutrition).

The premise of the author is that the state of health of the gut contributes to and can even be the cause of multiple illnesses, including classic illnesses like Depression, Schizophrenia, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Ulcerative Colitis, Eczema, Chrons Disease, Celiacs Disease, asthma, allergies, ADHD, ADD and Autism, her focus being on Autism.

She describes the anatomy of a healthy gut, several studies done by gastroenterologists and what that means to people who suffer from these diseases. Also what it means to people who are seemingly asymptomatic but who find improved health and immune function after following the diet she outlines in her book.

Without going into too much detail, people with abnormal gut flora, such as Bifidobacteria, Lactobacteria, Propionobacteria, physiological strains of E.Coli, Peptostreptococci and Enterococci, have guts susceptible to attack by "Opportunistic Flora," such as Bacteroids, Petococci, Staphylococci, Streptococci, Bacilli, Clostridia, Yeasts, Enterobacteria (Proteus, Clebsielli, Citrobacteria, etc.), Fuzobacteria, Eubacteria, Catenobacteria, and many others.

"In a healthy person their numbers are limited and are tightly controlled by the beneficial flora. Each of these microbes is capable of causing various health problems if they get out of control."

What this means is that the Opportunistic Flora can cause inflammation of the lining in the gut, and this inflammation triggers an immune response by the lymph nodes causing them release a lot of lymphocytes to fight the infection.

One of the signs that the gut isn't functioning properly is that of digestive problems, sometimes quite severe. Colic, bloating, flatulence, diarrhea, constipation, feeding difficulties and malnourishment, all to various degrees. Many people with intestinal issues also have fussy eating habits, refusing a whole lot of foodstuffs and limiting their diet to a handful of foods, usually starchy and sweet : breakfast cereals, chips, popcorn, cakes, cookies, sweets, bananas, bread, rice, sweet yogurts, ice cream etc. Most of the children Dr. Campbell-McBride has studied refuse to eat vegetables, fruit (apart from bananas), meats, fish and eggs. About 60-70% of the autistic children she has seen in her clinic have extremely limited diets.

Although the connection between gut inflammation and autism is well established the studies done on this subject became subject to a lot of controversy when the gasteroenterologist Dr. Wakefield and his team decided to see whether or not the MMR vaccine had anything to do with the inflammation of the lymph nodes. Suspecting that it might be the measles virus, (Dr. Wakefield) involved a well-known virolohist Dr John O' Leary, a professor of pathology form Dublin. Sure enough Dr. O'Leary found the same measles virus used in the MMR vaccine in the ileal lymph nods of the autistic children (in Dr. Wakefields study). This caused vigorous resistance from government and the medical establishment which distacted attention from the main issue.

At this point I would like to stop in my discussion of this book. At some point the description of the pain that the children Dr. Campbell-McBride has seen in her clinic brought to mind my own pain as I was growing up. I have the ability to communicate, a lot of autistic children cannot communicate very well, their pain causes them to scream in pain at times, to act up at times, to push there belly's against hard surfaces to relieve the pressure.

I have done just that, lain on the hard edge of that couch and rocked back and forth to relieve the pain in my stomach. As a child I remember lying on the couch at dinner time and complaining about my stomach hurting, I felt so helpless, my parents thought I was being difficult. I used to walk home from school, burping along the way with a noxious sulfuric gas coming up. I remember hanging on the door knob of the bathroom door and sitting on the toilet bent over in pain. I remember having really hard stools that sometimes I wouldn't pass a stool for days and it would really hurt and sometimes having diarrhea that would burn my bottom. I remember going for shots before Kindergarten and then sitting in the car afterwords pressing my forehead against the seat belt to soothe the dizziness and throbbing headache that I had. I remember having a hard time knowing what to do with my arms as I walked I felt awkward, unsteady, I liked to have a wall or hand rail to cling to. I had a great deal of depression, I spent the most part of my freshman and senior year at high school walking home falling into an exhausted black sleep and/or crying. Not to mention the many years before that as a child with depression, I cried almost every night that I didn't get how to make friends, that no one liked me, that I felt sick.

If ONLY someone would have known about the diet presented in this book at that time. I would have been healed! My childhood would have been happier and easier.

IF ONLY someone would have known about this diet and had put me and my brothers and my sister on it! Instead of medication, HEALING!! My STARS my brothers! My poor brother Jonathan could have had a more normal life. NO Autism!! IMAGINE? He would be married now, he would have a life!! Evan, he wouldn't have been hopped up on Ritalin! My sister Kelsey has had the pickiest diet that I know of, she had continually complained about stomach problems, has missed school and been in pain.

I, am going to go on this diet.

After the stomach and intestines are healed I will be able to eat a lot more grains and spices than I can now, and I will have less sensitivity to other foods.

I know, and have always known that people are resistant to change, I wish I could get my family to try this out, even my children... but I cannot force them to hear what they don't want to hear. It is like when God had Moses make a fiery serpent and set it upon a pole. If anyone was bitten by a snake they could "Look upon it and live." But what about those who did not believe? They would refuse to look and would thus die.

I think that faith as a whole involves looking beyond what is seemingly obvious, and looking to that which you have NOT heard before, or read before... thinking about and considering what other people have to say. LOOK and LIVE, and then ACT.

Australia

2011-12-10T04:53:00.001-07:00

I've been in Australia for the past week. It feels in some ways like an infusion of new thought, vacations are chances to let go of every day concerns, chances to allow thoughts that are normally in the back of the mind to surface. It's been raining for most of the trip, but Ajey and I have made the most of the time laughing about rediculous things making a "Mockumentary," taking walks, meeting up with friends. We went to play dominoes at some friends house the other night, Heather and Lee. Heather has a great sense of humor, she laughed and teased Lee, pretended to be obsessed with winning... somehow that laughter got into me and the next day I burst out laughing simply recalling something funny that had been said. That was a piece of me that has been missing for many years. I feel sort of like I'm gathering myself up from a puzzle that was scattered all over the world. We also had a chance to meet up with a therapist, this man was brilliant, spot on in the answers he gave to my questions. I really need to find someone like that back home. Why is it though that so many people are lost and confused, hurt or hurtful? Why is it that so much of life is not enjoyed but pushed to the corner of our world until it becomes a point of pressure that builds up until you feel like bursting. TIME goodness if only the things that we do to keep our lives running like working and studying could be condensed... or somehow more fully integrated into our lives so that we are aware of what we are doing each moment, not just turning in our time cards to no one in particular. If only we could simply live a bit more. I see the whys of things, I see that we can't spend all of our time studying, working, relaxing, singing, too much of any one thing creates too little time for anything else. Then how are we to live? Impediments are fatigue, fear, doubt I believe them to be the main impediments. Then we need to be rid of these impediments. For me I get sick/have a reaction to certain foods/spices and that really blocks my ability to enjoy my life, the biggest reaction is a bad headache, plus ringing in the ears, fatigue. It's hard to pin point which food triggers the reactions though, today it all began with cinnamon. It really puts a cramp in life though when you have to give people a list a quarter mile long of things you can't have... actually I think I will do that, make a list, get it laminated, translate it into several languages, make it simpler... I learned from the therapist that to state the truth is the ultimate in importance in relationships, then others can think about what you say, and decide what emotions and behavior they will show. I'm going to think about that on the plane ride home, it's going to be a long one, I'm leaving tomorrow morning. As for now I'm off for some rest. Goodnight

Just Trying, That's All

2011-11-25T12:48:00.001-07:00

This Thanksgiving turned out "OK." It seemed that none of us had a whole lot of enthusiasm for it this year. I've been working a bunch of extra hours, well technically not working per say, I've been trying to finish up a bunch of Microsoft Office training modules that I signed up for earlier this year through my Alma Mater UVU, they have a woman's resource center called "Turning Point" which paid for the course, the caveat was that I finish the training modules before the end of the year.

I signed up for them because I wasn't finding any work, but ironically I found a job about a month after signing up and I was never able to put the time into finishing them up (they take about 177 hours).

I have been able to finish up the Excel sessions, and I found my notes on Access, all except the first session that is. I will need to review the Access sessions because I completed them several months ago.

I will be so relieved to get them done...

It feels like my life has been one big push to put things into order, to just get to a point where I am able to live. I put so much time into school, every day that I was in school was a push, while having my babies and having my miscarriages all jammed into tests and lectures and cleaning on the weekends.

Since I've been divorced every day has been about pulling together my world, trying to become relevant in the workplace. Trying to become relevant to my children. I'm afraid to face them sometimes, too many things that I can't do for them. So much that I'm trying to do... I know I do a lot but Mom's always tend to feel there should be more that they can do.

All of this, and the overriding feeling at night is that I want to be held. Sitting at work I just want to go home and be held... just held. How stupid this longing has made me, how stupid I've acted trying to fill the ache inside.

Poems Cited in General Conference

2011-10-01T11:14:00.001-06:00

ABOUT CROWS
by John Ciardi

The old crow is getting slow;
the young crow is not.
Of what the young crow does not know,
the old crow knows a lot.

At knowing things, the old crow is still
the young crow’s master.
What does the old crow not know?
How to go faster.

The young crow flies above, below, and rings
around the slow old crow.
What does the fast young crow not know?
WHERE TO GO.

OH! WHY SHOULD THE SPIRIT OF MORTAL BE PROUD
by: William Knox (1789-1825)

H! why should the spirit of mortal be proud?
Like a swift-fleeting meteor, a fast-flying cloud,
A flash of the lightning, a break of the wave,
Man passeth from life to his rest in the grave.

The leaves of the oak and the willow shall fade,
Be scattered around, and together be laid;
And the young and the old, and the low and the high
Shall molder to dust and together shall lie.

The infant a mother attended and loved;
The mother that infant's affection who proved;
The husband that mother and infant who blessed,--
Each, all, are away to their dwellings of rest.

The maid on whose cheek, on whose brow, in whose eye,
Shone beauty and pleasure,--her triumphs are by;
And the memory of those who loved her and praised
Are alike from the minds of the living erased.

The hand of the king that the sceptre hath borne;
The brow of the priest that the mitre hath worn;
The eye of the sage, and the heart of the brave,
Are hidden and lost in the depth of the grave.

The peasant whose lot was to sow and to reap;
The herdsman who climbed with his goats up the steep;
The beggar who wandered in search of his bread,
Have faded away like the grass that we tread.

The saint who enjoyed the communion of heaven;
The sinner who dared to remain unforgiven;
The wise and the foolish, the guilty and just,
Have quietly mingled their bones in the dust.

So the multitude goes, like the flowers or the weed
That withers away to let others succeed;
So the multitude comes, even those we behold,
To repeat every tale that has often been told.

For we are the same our fathers have been;
We see the same sights our fathers have seen;
We drink the same stream, and view the same sun,
And run the same course our fathers have run.

The thoughts we are thinking our fathers would think;
From the death we are shrinking our fathers would shrink;
To the life we are clinging they also would cling;
But it speeds for us all, like a bird on the wing.

They loved, but the story we cannot unfold;
The scorned, but the heart of the haughty is cold;
They grieved, but no wail from their slumbers will come;
They joyed, but the tongue of their gladness is dumb.

They died, aye! they died; and we things that are now,
Who walk on the turf that lies over their brow,
Who make in their dwelling a transient abode,
Meet the things that they met on their pilgrimage road.

Yea! hope and despondency, pleasure and pain,
We mingle together in sunshine and rain;
And the smiles and the tears, the song and the dirge,
Still follow each other, like surge upon surge.

'Tis the wink of an eye, 'tis the draught of a breath,
From the blossom of health to the paleness of death,
From the gilded saloon to the bier and the shroud,--
Oh! why should the spirit of mortal be proud?

Bluegrass

2011-09-29T17:44:00.001-06:00

I feel like building a "Bluegrass" Playlist... :)

I'm listening to Pandora and building it as I come across new songs and artists.

Take a listen...

Reason

2011-09-21T11:30:00.002-06:00

Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

and the reason is You [x3]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

"Shimmer"

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile?
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend

[Chorus]
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend

[chorus]

It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go

Beautiful Disaster

She loves her momma's lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving boys what they want
Tries to act so nonchalant
Afraid to see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen
She doesn't wanna feel this way
Only 17 and tired, yeah

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is
But no one's told her that's OK

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She just needs someone to take her home

Delicious Strawberries :)

2011-09-15T20:22:00.001-06:00

I've acquired a new favorite habit... berries and Greek yogurt! Ah soooo delicious!!

This combination started out as a desire to counteract in part the extreme void of perceived nutrition in Roxies lunch menu, thus I picked up a treat for her (along with other yummy treats) and had a bit of the treat myself.

Oh raptures!

The delight was at first a simple combination of Organic Blueberries and Raspberries, Greek Yogurt and a bit of Stevia sprinkled on top. Yummy!

The pièce de résistance though is Greek Yogurt (sprinkled with Stevia), walnuts, and fresh sliced organic strawberries!!

Try it out ;)

Patience

2011-09-14T23:23:00.001-06:00

It's interesting to realize the amount of patience that you've developed for circumstances and people while in the crux of exercising that patience.

My Ex-Husband has volunteered to paint around the house and to fix things up, it is a continual effort to try to win me back I know (because he all but says this to me), but I'm letting him do it or else do it myself.

I know I could move, I know I could call on members of the church to come over to fix things, but how much of peoples time can you really count on?

So I bought the plywood, vinyl and other such materials for the project, a long process because I want it to look nice without paying too much for the job, and Sam tells me that I should call the landlord and let them know of the hideous state of the flooring that was under the vinyl. It turns out that what was there when we moved in was rather nice, the stuff under it, 3 layers of vinyl under a 1/2 # plywood was wretched.

In order to get a hold of the landlord I have to go through the manager. So I called her up and told her that I needed to speak with the landlord. She (the manager) went off on me, told me that I should have told her that it (presumably the bathroom) was leaking, that she asked me every time I handed her the rent if anything was leaking. This rant because the sub-floor beneath the vinyl was rotting away. I never told her that it was leaking because it wasn't leaking and she saw the state of the floor before. The deal with this lady though is that she likes to build up a repertoire of things that she deems to be the fault of the tenets so that she can complain to the landlord about the problems and throw everyone into a bad light. She did this to Christina (my once neighbor) and I knew she was doing it to me so I pointed it out to her. She seemed to think I was raising my voice to her but in reality I was simply calling her out. So she started ranting about this being the Landlords property, that we shouldn't fix anything, that she would have sued me if it were her and had us evicted, but it's not her property... blah blah blah. I finally got her to calm down, call the landlord who gave me a call back and in a calm and pleasant voice asked what the issue was. I told her, she asked me to submit receipts for the job (I can deduct the cost from my rent), and asked that I make a list of what needs to be fixed to give to the manager with my rent for next month and that was that.

Goodness, heaven above.

Today's been full of opportunities to exercise patience. Patience while my Dad explains to me about good driving habits (on our way to the hardware store), while he hems and haws about the types of wrenches I should buy (I just wanted a simple set, but he thought perhaps I should buy the deluxe set...), while he goes off to find a candy bar and picks through a bunch of discounted tools. Dad's amusing sometimes if you don't let his comments about stuff get to you.

Patience... now I get to exercise a bit more of it as the toilet (reset after being moved out of the way so the floor could be replaced) is leaking from the top part (the bolts holding the top part down are rusty), so we have to flush the toilet with water from a bucket...

But all of this shall be worth it! When I can step into my bathroom and not cringe, when I can take a bath and not worry about the water leaking over the side (well not as much anyway). When it is clean and easier to clean it will all be worth it!

Now it's time for bed.

Today Was a Triumph! However other worries are on the horizon...

2011-09-11T22:50:00.001-06:00

My family has a tradition to go up to my parents house for dinner. This a tradition that has grown out of comfortable habit, going back for 10+ years.

One of the best parts of going to my parents house for dinner is the fun and sometimes strange conversations that we all have. Today's topic, my Dad's adventures with "Cousin Eddy," which brought up "Annie and Daniel" stories, "Daniel" stories, and my kids own stories.

I think that hearing stories about me and my brother humanized me a bit for my daughter, she's loosened up for the day and it makes me feel good to be comfortable talking with her and all of my kids. :)

My worry is this:

He's had a lump on his neck for quite some time, a smaller one that you an see a little below this large one. I'm not sure how long this one's been there, he's passed most of the summer with his Dad's family and his cousins. I just noticed how large it was last week and got him a doctors appointment. The doctors got him on antibiotics (saying it's possibly strep) and I'm hoping that the antibiotics make it go away!

Otherwise... I fear to think what could cause this.

Surviving

2011-09-11T01:41:00.004-06:00

I feel like a whole decade of my life vanished, I blinked and it was gone, and with it the hopes that I once had of raising my children to be happy, healthy and teaching them to work hard and be wise (yes, they are good kids, but I could have imbued so many good habits into them and so much practical knowledge, I can't get them to listen now).

I feel this way because I've been fighting to stay afloat by trying to get a good education, trying to be smart enough to get a good job, to earn enough money, to stay alive. During this time, so much of the time, I've had to let certain things slide like doing things with my kids, especially teaching them. I'm really seeing the wisdom of delaying having children until you've gotten an education at this point... jumping in without being ready isn't fair to the kids or yourself.

September 11 brings back the memories of my little ones being little, my fears for them, what I wanted to give them at that point, how much I loved those little ones. I remember feeling the passage of their age from little baby to small child, from small child to older child, older child to young adult...

I remember picking them up once, right as they were passing from small children to older kids (my two oldest), I carried them to their beds side by side. I held each one in turn crying, those little angels ignorant of their mothers tears. It pains me that I cannot seem to reach my daughter, that my son though easier to reach is so disinterested in his mom... he used to bring me flowers, oh how much I treasured them.

I judged my parents harshly when I was my daughters age. How I felt that they failed me, how I wished they were different. I didn't know how hard it is to live! To work, to get by, to survive! I didn't think of that! Only my mothers seeming indifference to me, my fathers cruel anger. I compounded hurts upon myself not understanding life, and darned if that's not what my daughter is doing to me.

How I wish she could know how much I love her and how much she means to me! How I wish I could give her knowledge and talent, all of the skills she needs to survive.

How I love my children, how I wish I could be scout den mother and help my boys earn their Eagles, PTA parent, baking cookies for fundraisers, volunteering to read to their class, or just here to make a wholesome dinner for them every day.

I am so tired

I spend my days at work, come home and clean, cook, and study... before I know it it's past bedtime, and I'm still trying to do something or other to catch up, to get life to make sense.

My kids are true latch key kids

I want life to be about living again, I want to feel free again, I want to dream again

For all that is dear and wonderful I don't want those who love me to hurt

Almost 2 am... time to sleep

Draggin around, But Getting Things Done

2011-09-08T21:17:00.000-06:00

Today has dragged. I dragged myself out of bed, I dragged myself to work, and then back home again. I successfully managed to stay sane, or partially so, under the gaze of the meeting attendants in the glass bowl conference room (walls made of glass) while suffering from stomach upset and general malaise. I also successfully kept working though the software that I was using to upload my files had encountered some sort of glitch (I opened a file on our server and had the other members of the team grab the files to load them). I've been trying to work longer shifts in order to make up for the lost day on Monday, but unfortunately don't get to work early enough and haven't felt up to staying much later than a general 8 hours, today only 6.5.

Enough on these general complaints.

I've been feeding my mind as I efficiently sort out company records, a simple and mindless task. So far I've studied several musical genres and found my favorite musical styles and artists (thus far) something I haven't been able to do previous to now because I've been preoccupied with schooling and raising children. Some day I'll make a nice playlist to listen to and get the songs for my ipod.

At the moment, I've just completed listening to lectures on critical thinking and now I'm listening to Les Miserable, a work much larger than I originally thought it to be.

A word to sum up the work, Lugubrious, it is Victor Hugo's style and most often heard (out of the ordinary) word in the book. I'm struck by the dual treatment that he gives to religion, at once esteeming it by the many themes of ascetic and good followers of faith, yet also renouncing it as part of a society which follows blind ascriptions such as the strict upholding of the law without regard to circumstance.

In fact the main character Jean Val Jean is at the moment interred in a convict with his little adopted daughter Cosette and is reflecting upon the similarities between the life of the prisoner with the life of a nun.

As for now, I'm at home, feeling slightly better and at the computer writing this post and then I'm going to watch an "Online Expert" Training video on Excel (one that I've already watched but need to review since I have access to these videos through the generous grant of the UVU Womens center who paid for the training and which I will have to pay back if I don't watch them and take the tests... ).

Jumping in the Ocean

2011-09-07T22:58:00.001-06:00

I watched "A Home of Their Own" with Kathy Bates on Sunday, it made me cry. Why? Because of the purity of her intent, her moral uprightness and scruples, her intense desire to raise her children right.

She's a widow, she has 5 kids, they are very poor. She takes them on a journey from LA to find a place to live in the countryside. They come across a house that is partially built and she makes a deal with the owner of the house. She doesn't want charity, goes to work, is honest and upright. She makes mistakes, but then pours enough love into her kids that it makes up for them quite a bit. She goes out on a date and gets beaten because she doesn't like the idea of having sex "just to get it out of the way" before the dance. No one (but my ex in some ways) has ever treated me like that, what I admire is the absoluteness of her reply to that offer (no indecision).

I remember watching this right before I had my 3rd child Sione. My husband was working in Seattle, I was alone and happy that he was gone because he complicated things so much for me. I identified so much with the characters and the story and still do.

It got me thinking about myself, my own moral life. That's a hard territory to define and navigate sometimes. I've never felt like a mean or malicious person, never had really bad intentions, yet sometimes I've had to fight certain tendencies or I've found myself walking along in shady territory more on the dark side of the line than the light.

This tends to be a more prevalent problem for me when I'm under a lot of stress and pressure, or when I'm just plain depressed.

I've tried to refocus this past week or so. Decided that a large part of the problem that I've been having with my apartment is that I've just gotten too frustrated with the situation, the fact that I'm stuck here, that the carpet is just trashed (the upstairs carpet hasn't been replaced since the 70's and the downstairs carpet is a lovely shade of cheap beige carpet full of holes and stains that couldn't help but show up since I've got 4 kids and a cat who all love digging at the carpet). I haven't had the carpet cleaned for 3 years now, mostly because it costs $70 bucks to do it and I didn't have the money or desire to spend it.

Last week (and the week before) my ex-husband pushed the couches and stuff together in the living room, took the stuff off the walls and started the process of painting. Two of the walls in the living room were finished on Saturday (the other two have large objects in front of them thus difficult to get at to paint). That being done I stayed up until 12:30 cleaning my house and putting things back into order. Monday was the same way, I wanted to go into work but couldn't stop cleaning and putting things back into order. My ex came over and started prepping the stairwell to be painted, I wanted to pick up some things at Home Depot so asked him if he needed anything over there and decided to go with him. I couldn't help running around the house looking for little things I could fix that would make things better for us. Light fixtures, outlet covers, etc. Plus I asked my ex to measure the bathroom floor to see if it would be feasible to replace the flooring in there. I ended up going back about an hour before they closed and bought a bunch of tile and stuff, it ended up costing over $300 dollars! When I got everything home I started thinking about the disparity between having a tile floor and the broken down vanity in the bathroom and it occurred to me that when I move the Landlord could easily replace the vanity (and carpet, etc) and then rent out the apartment for more than what I'm paying, so the next day I brought back the tile and bought vinyl ... now I want to bring back the vinyl and get a different pattern somewhere else (as they didn't have a very nice pattern at Home Depot).

Anyway, I stayed up so late on Monday and poured so much effort into cleaning and ordering that I'm starting to feel a bit sick... but it's worth it, both of my kids rooms are more organized than they've been for several years and so is most of my home. It is such a relief to me!

When I get that aspect of my life in order I can focus on being with my kids when I get home and studying to improve my skills at work. How I wish I really knew more about the computer, how the different programs worked together, how to keep it maintained. I've had a few problems at work today and I hate feeling ignorant when it comes to the computer.

Walking that line, I have so much to focus on... I'm trying to sort out the emotions that I haven't been dealing with in-between all that I'm responsible for doing. I'm not insincere, I really love who I love. But should I really allow myself to get pulled away from my main focus, my kids, my employment, to walk in mires of emotion? Dr. Laura Schlessinger advocates (and has advocated for many years) not dating after you get a divorce. In the midst of the dark and difficult marriage that I was in before I always hated that advice, I thought it so unfair, but now I understand the reasoning. It's not that marrying a nice guy isn't desirable, it's that not having my life and my kids lives in order before dating is like jumping in a stormy ocean.

I'm finding my voice, a little bit at a time, and at some point I will know what I want. Right now, I just want things to be better.

Wishing for Simplicity

2011-09-03T13:33:00.002-06:00

I thought when I was young that adults knew things in a straightforward black and white way, however life isn't like that, black and white are both admixtures of many different colors, swirled around to make the illusion of a solid. They are just reflecting things differently.

Sometimes having a lack of answers is very disconcerting, personally it makes me question myself.

I have been very foolish. I really, really wanted to have a simple loving relationship, with someone, and yet refused to choose. I was tied up in knots, I hated myself. The worst thing is not being able to trust your own heart because it seems to love more than one person. Ironically I thought being honest with both of them would be enough, it wasn't. My dilemmas have been legitimate, my choices have not been.

The end result is the breaking off of a sweet friendship, one in which I found quite a bit of joy. Plus hurting many, many people.

Yet how can you choose who to hurt and who not to? It's difficult, I tend to make choices that hurt myself and my integrity simply because I am trying to avoid hurting other people.

Plus the truth. I hate stating the truth sometimes because it looks ugly, sometimes shallow, sometimes mean. Kids state whatever they think. Is that better? They point and say, she is fat, he is weird looking, you talk funny, you laugh weird. They are blunt.

I wish things were that simple. How can I make them to be so?

Would it be better to be blunt instead of dancing around the truth? Is there a way to be blunt without being hurtful? Is there a way to make up your mind about your course of action when it involves many peoples feelings and considerations of many different factors?

Considerations, when I was young I thought it was simple to choose who I wanted to be with, someone I loved, my best friend, someone who made me smile and laugh. Tall, dark and handsome. Prince Charming.

Last week I made a terrible choice. This week has been a torment, but I feel I deserve it. I want to be happy again but am made miserable by my choice and the consequences. In that moment the choice felt right and good, later on it did not. I didn't choose what I did out of capriciousness, but that's how it feels to me and that's probably how it feels to those who this choice affects. That is what is so utterly hard about this situation.

It makes me not want to say "I Love You" to anyone though, because those words are like a contract, they tie the person who utters them to the other. No matter how true, saying "I Love You" seems meaningless to someone else if you don't want to be with them, whatever the reason. That's how it seems anyway, it's terrible.

What are the reasons that you wouldn't want to marry/be with someone you love? Well, it's just doesn't feel right, or it logically doesn't pan out in your mind.

But I still feel sick inside and want things to be better, I want to heal the hearts that I've broken, but cannot. Through all my trying I've made things worse. So all I can say is I'm sorry and then all I can do is deal with the irony of those words...

Intense Dream

2011-08-05T09:13:00.002-06:00

My dream last night

On the main it is about a baby that has been hurt badly that we are waiting for the paramedics to bring to my parents house. Which is in my dream more like my Aunt and Uncles house, at least it is in a different neighborhood from where they live now. In a way it is also my home. At least that is how I treat it when someone comes knocking in the middle of the night and a very respected musician enters with his prodigy, I remember feeling relieved that Angie had cleaned just before they arrived. The child prodigy is a little girl, she is an excellent singer and is there to sing while Koli plays the piano. We have to wait for Koli to come downstairs and Angie sits on the couch asking questions of the little girl while we do. I fuss around in the kitchen until he comes downstairs. Then he comes down and starts to play, there are little formalities like warming up, he can’t get the note on the piano to play loudly enough for her to hear clearly so I grab the keyboard and set it close within his reach for him to play. Then my parents come in, it is a cold winter night, the snow is just barely coming in little drifts. My mom comes down with a worried expression on her face and explains to me about the baby who the paramedics are bringing. I become concerned, but wait patiently until the baby arrives. The scene changes and I am being left in charge of a baby who is sitting in a very dirty diaper, the diaper is spilling out onto its clothing, my children are pulling on my sleeve asking if they can play with the baby, I’m too distracted to address them, I pick up the baby who all the time is getting dirtier and put him in a bathtub washing away the detiris,the water keeps running and running, overflowing and I cannot control it. Then the baby’s mother steps in thanks me for taking care of the baby while she went to get diapers, turns off the water and I am relieved and wash my arms off. Then the paramedics arrive with a baby so weak and feeble that they are not sure if it will live. They set the baby down on the floor and ask that people be careful as they walk around him. I become concerned about feeding the baby. I contemplate breast feeding but realize that I no longer produce milk, so I volunteer to go to the store to buy formula. My mother looks relieved as she didn’t seem to know what to do. So I head out and start walking down the side walk. I’m heading towards what used to be Albertsons and then have this thought that nothing has been right in my life since Albertsons became Ridleys. I start to cry copious amounts of tears, they are pouring down his face as I walk. I encounter a bus that pulls up in front of me which is full of old people and I hide my tears from them. The next bus is full of young people, they see the tears and laugh at me. I notice chalk drawings on the side walk, intense, full of odd themes and I step around them into the street. I recall that the Yukon is parked up ahead and keep walking towards it. The chalk drawings continue and I am somewhat fascinated and somewhat repulsed at them. I remember wondering who could create such atrocities, then I look down a side street and there is a person crouching next to the sidewalk, almost laying on it, covered in rags and they furtively cover their face as I pass. Then I turn into a house which is sort of my parents house, again, and start looking around for something for the baby to eat. I found myself shifting through stacks of books, and picking off of the shelf organic cleaning chemicals that I had left at my parents house and placing them together on the top shelf. I recall in my mind the baby and feel some desperation to find something for it to eat but feel an urgent need to gather these useful cleaning chemicals together. I’m just lifting a stack of books to place elsewhere when my brother Evan comes and stands near me. He asks if he could have an hour of my time sometime and I agree to this. Then I come to the formulas and I am contemplating the ingredients, repulsed at them, I feel a longing to breast feed the baby again because I feel that would be the only true nourishment for it, at the same time I feel a sense of oddness about the idea because it’s not my own baby. I think about taking an herbal supplement to start milk in woman who have previously breastfed babies but who no longer do. Then I wake up.

What Has Lain Dying

2011-08-03T23:09:00.000-06:00

As I delve deeper into self reflection I am starting to identify what has lain dying, what has been draining me psychologically.

Somehow my creative instincts have lain dying, I've no longer felt like writing, photographing, drawing.
My mothering instincts have been dying, I've felt disconnected from my kids, unable to guide and direct them.
My dreams have been dying, my goals
I've not had the energy to face them
My libido has been stagnate
My sense of direction
Self preservation
My thoughts
My spirituality, I've been disconnected from the Lord, the inner spirit
It's very draining to face this

Time to sleep for another day, and more reading...

Blue Beards Tale

2011-08-02T02:50:00.000-06:00

I've heard of Blue Beard before but always assumed him to be a famous pirate that I had no interest in learning about. Imagine my surprise to find out that he is in fact a nobleman, the mythical crux upon which a very old story revolves. A story which in general is taken to point out the follies of a women's curiosity, but as explained in the book "Women Who Run With the Wolves," Estes points out many things that women must learn to overcome their naivety.

This is how it is told in the book.

There is an intriguing and somewhat frightening man who's nicknamed "Bluebeard." He is courting three sisters all at once, however they are frightened of his beard with its "odd blue cast," so they hid when he called.
He decides to take them on a trip into the woods with their mother to charm them with stories, food and fun, and they start to decide that he's not so bad, however the older two sisters fears return.
The younger sister convinces herself that his beard is not all that blue, and decides to go ahead and marry him, he brings her off to his castle in the woods.
Then one day he goes on a trip and leaves his young wife with his key's telling her that she can use all of them but the tiniest key, which he tells her not to use. He urges her to invite her family and friends over, to roam the castle freely, and grounds, and to have the cooks make wonderful feasts for her and her guests.
She invites her sisters to come and they were very curious souls and wanted to see which keys fit to which doors and what was in each room.
So they started to explore the castle and found stores of food, money, and many wonderful things. Until they came to the cellar at the end of which was a blank wall.
They were wondering about the last key and one of them said "Maybe this key doesn't fit anything at all." When they said this a door appeared in the once blank wall that was closing and when they tried to open it again it was firmly locked. One cried "Sister, sister bring your key. Surely this is the door for that mysterious little key."
She quickly opened the door with the key, and found that the room was so dark that they couldn't see inside of it. So they brought a candle, and when it was lit they all screamed at once, because the room was filled with blood and blackened bones of corpses.
They slammed the door shut, took the key out of the lock and when the wife looked down at the key she saw it was stained with blood. She tried to clean it with the hem of her gown, but the blood would not be stopped.
The wife hid the tiny key in her pocket and ran to the cook's kitchen, when she got there her dress was stained in blood because the key was weeping drops of dark red blood. She asked the cook for some horsehair and tried to scour the key clean but it wouldn't stop bleeding. "Drop after drop of pure red blood issued from the tiny key."
She then tried to press ashes onto it, to scrub it, then heat to sear it and cobweb over it to staunch the flow, but couldn't get the key to stop bleeding.
She didn't know what to do so she hid it in her wardrobe.
Her husband came home the next day and asked "Well? How was it while I was away?" she replied "It was very fine, sir." "And how are my storerooms?" he rumbled. "Very fine, sir." "How are my money rooms?" he growled. "The money rooms are very fine also, sir." "So everything is good, wife?" "Yes, everything is good." "Well," he whispered, "then you'd best return my keys."
He saw quickly that the smallest key was missing and upon inquiry the wife thought to lie to cover up how it became to be missing. He told her "Don't lie to me! Tell me what you did with that key!" He put his hand to her face as if to caress her cheek, but instead seized her hair." "You infidel!" he snarled, and threw her to the floor. "You've been into the room, haven't you?"
He threw open her wardrobe and the little key on the top shelf had bled blood red down all the beautiful silks of her gowns hanging there.
"Now it's your turn, my lady," he screamed, and dragged her down the hall and into the cellar till they were before the terrible door. Bluebeard merely looked at the door with his fiery eyes and the door opened for him. THere lay the skeletons of all his previous wives.
"And now!!!" he roared, but she caught hold of the door frame and would not let go. She pleaded for her life, "Please! Please, allow me to compose myself and prepare for my death. Give me but a quarter hour before you take my life so I can make peace with God."
"All right," he snarled, "you have but a quarter of an hour, but be ready."
The wife raced up the stairs to her chamber and posted her sisters on the castle ramparts. Knelt to pray, but instead called out to her sisters.
"Sisters, sisters! Do you see our brothers coming?"
"We see nothing, nothing on the open plains."
Every few moments she cried up to the ramparts, "Sisters, sisters! Do you see our brothers coming?"
"We see a whirlwind, perhaps a dust devil in the distance."
In the meantime Bluebeard grew more and more impatient and called for his wife to come to the cellar.
Again she called to her sisters, "Sisters, sisters! Do you see our brothers coming?"
Bluebeard shouted for his wife again and began to clomp up the stone steps.
Her sisters cried out, "Yes! We see them! Our brothers are here and they have just entered the castle."
Bluebeard stomped down the hall towards his wife's chamber. "I am coming to get you," he bellowed.
Just as Bluebeard came into his wife's chamber her brothers galloped down the hall on horseback and charged towards Bluebeard, chasing him down the hall and out onto the parapet. There and then, they advanced upon him, striking and slashing, cutting and whipping, with their swords beating Bluebeard down to the ground, killing him at last and leaving for the buzzards his blood and gristle.

One thing that I realized after reading this story is that I was chastising the young wife in my mind, how could she disobey her word? How foolish of her to look in the room she was told to not look in! I felt guilt at the same time that I was curious myself to know what was in the room. Guilt that I would have done the same thing and I felt the embarrassment and shame that she might have been feeling from her betrayal.

Then I read on and find that there is legitimacy to the feelings that I was having, that it points out very clearly the naivety that I have had in the past and at times still have.

Estes points out that at some level a woman recognizes that something is wrong, that she feels something out of place and will begin a process over and over again trying to find out what that something is but lacking guidance and support will not be able to finish it.

Another thing that Estes points out is that a naieve young woman can often and does often agree to "become the prize of a vicious man because her instincts to notice and do otherwise are not intact." I never realized that that is what I had done when I was 16 years old agreeing to marry the father of my child.

She mentions that "young girls and boys are as though asleep about the fact that they themselves are prey." That we are all born "analgen, like the potential at the center of a cell: in biology the anlage is the part of a cell characterized as 'that which will become.' Within the anlage is the primal substance which in time will develop, causing us to become a complete someone."

"So our lives as women are ones of quickening the anlage. The Blue-Beard tale speaks to the awakening and education of this psychic center, this glowing cell. In service of this education, the youngest sister agrees to marry a force which she believes to be very elegant. The fairy-tale marriage represents a new status being sought, a new layer of the psyche about to be unfurled. However, the young wife has fooled herself. Initially she felt fearful of Bluebeard. She was wary. However, a little pleasure out in the woods causes her to overrule her intuition...." she discounts her instincts.

Estes mentions that woman are taught to deny the truth to '"make pretty" all manner of grotesqueries whether they are lovely or not... In the tale, even the mother colludes. She goes on the picnic, "goes along for the ride." She doesn't say a word of caution to any of her daughters. One might say the biological mother or the internal mother is asleep or naive herself, as is often the case in very young girls, or in unmothered women."

I keep thinking, yes, yes this is true, this is exactly what happened to me!!

The older sisters represent the voice of warning against "romanticizing the predator.The initiated woman pays attention to the older sisters' voices in the psyche; they warn her away from danger. The uninitiated woman does not pay attention; she is as yet too identified with naivete."

So the marriage occurs and a woman who has chosen someone who is destructive to their lives will be determined to "cure that person with love." "They are in some way "playing house." One could say they have spent much time saying, "His beard isn't really so blue."

I've been in this situation, I've loved my heart dry, bleed out my love until I was dead inside. "As long as a woman is forced into believing she is powerless and/or is trained to not conciously register what she knows to be true, the feminine impulses and gifts of her psyche continue to be killed off."

"Instead of living freely, she begins to live falsely... there is a way out of all this, but one must have a key."

THE KEY

"Provides entry to the secret all women know and yet do not know. The key represents permission to know the deepest, darkest secrets of the psyche, in this case the something that mindlessly degrades and destroys a woman's potential."

Bluebeards destructive plan was to create a farce, to tell the wife that she was free to do what she liked but really she was not free because she was kept from the knowledge of the predator, "even though deep in the psyche she already truly comprehends the issue."

"The naive woman tacitly agrees to remain "not knowing." Women who are gullible or those with injured instincts still, like flowers, turn in the direction of whatever sun is offered."

"Bluebeard forbids the young woman to use the one key that would bring her to consciousness. To forbid a woman to use the key to conscious self knowledge strips away her intuitive nature, her natural instinct for curiosity that leads her to discover "what lies underneath" and beyond the obvious. Without this knowing, the woman is without proper protection. If she attempts to obey Bluebeard's command not to use the key, she cooses death for her spirit. By choosing to open the door to the ghastly secret room, she chooses life."

That is it isn't it!! I identified with obeying Bluebeard's command! I choose all the time to not know, I choose death for my spirit!

Estes mentions that some psychological thinkers, interpret woman's curiosity with a negative connotation but mens curiosity is interpreted in a positive way. Woman are called nosy, whereas men are called inquiring.

The sisters, who were reluctant to marry Bluebeard, Estes mentions as having "the proper wildish instincts for curiosity intact." They nudge the youngest sister to find out what is behind the door.

For me the importance of this section comes in this point that Estes brings up. "Asking the proper question is the central action of transformation-in fairy tales, in analysis, and in individuation. The key question causes germination of consciousness. The properly shaped question always emanates from an essential curiosity about what stands behind. Questions are the keys that cause the secret doors of the psyche to swing open. Though the sisters know not whether treasure or travesty lies beyond the door, they summon their goodly instincts to ask the precise psychological question, "Where do you think that door is, and what might lie beyond it?"

"It is at this point that the naive nature begins to mature, to question, "What is behind the visible? What is it which causes that shadow to loom upon the wall?"

In fairy tales and stories the symbolic key is often represented by words such as "Open Sesame," as in Ali Baba, or "Bibbity-bobbity-boo!" as in Cinderella.

"In the Eleusinian mysteries, the key was hidden on the tongue, meaning the crux of the thing, the clue, the trace, could be found in a special set of words, or key questions. And the words women need most in situations similar to the one described in Bluebeard are: What stands behind? What is not as it appears? What do I know deep in my ovarios that I wish I did not know? What of me has been killed or lays dying?"

That is my question, "What of me has been killed or lays dying?"

It's important to remember that this is not a simple tale about mens oppression over women... no it is more complex than that. It is about the "killing aspect of the psyche, part of whose job it is to see that no consciousness occurs, (it) will continue to assert itself from time to time and twist off or poison any new growth. It is its nature. It is its job."

It is a complex battle that each woman must face.

"What of me has been killed or lays dying? and "How has it gotten to be that way?" That is my question, that is the answer that I am seeking to find

"A starved soul can become so filled with pain, a woman can no longer bear it. Because women have a soul-need to express themselves in their own soulful ways, they must develop and blossom in ways that are sensible to them and without molestation from others."

I will talk further about this, it is so late... I find it interesting though to note that I practiced the next point that she makes to a T in my former marriage. "Backtracking and Looping."

Goodnight Internet...

Woman Who Run With the Wolves

2011-07-27T19:54:00.000-06:00

Just a tid-bit from this fantastic book for now, the story of The Four Rabbinim...

"One Night four rabbinim were visited by an angel who awakened them and carried them to the Seventh Vault of the Seventh Heaven. There they beheld the sacred Wheel of Ezekiel. Somewhere in the descent from Pardes, Paradise, to Earth, one Rabbi, having seen such splendor, lost his mind and wandered frothing and foaming until the end of his days. The second Rabbi was extremely cynical: "Oh I just dreamed Ezekiel's Wheel, that was all. Nothing really happened." The third Rabbi carried on and on about what he had seen, for he was totally obsessed. He lectured and would not stop with how it was all constructed and what it all meant... and in this way he went astray and betrayed his faith. The fourth Rabbi, who was a poet, took a paper in hand and a reed and sat near the window writing song after song praising the evening dove, his daughter in her cradle, and all the stars in the sky. And he lived his life better than before."

Lovely lessons don't you think?

(Shout out to Ecogrrl who introduced us to this book...)

Coalescence

2011-07-26T23:37:00.000-06:00

Today has seemed to be a time for everything to start to gel. The kids are home more, they've finished up Pioneer Trek, Angie finished up Girls Camp... Sione is apparently finished with Football Camp (I was never quite sure if that was what Sam had him doing or not)... so finally, they have been home the past few days and I love it! It is such an odd feeling to putter around my home with just Roxie for company, she gets bored, I get tired because she wants me to entertain her without the other kids here for entertainment...

I've finally figured out a laundry soap alternative which involves a combination of Dr. Bronners Sal Suds, Washing Soda, Soap nuts and the essential oils of Lavender and Bergamont. I also use white vinegar as a fabric softener and baking soda (sparingly since I've heard that it can fade colors), however baking soda is an excellent deodorant so I want to continue to include it in my routine. One other laundry essential is hydrogen peroxide which you can use to clean blood stains and if you have a stain that you notice after drying your clothes you can soak it in hydrogen peroxide, add a bit of Sal Suds and let it soak, then run it through the wash again. I still need to look into bulk options for the Washing Soda, and essential oils.

I found one site that offers bulk essential oils here.

A curious site that offers soaps from yesteryear here. This site offers bulk soap goods, including borax, soap ash (which I believe to be the washing soda I'm looking for) as well as different scents, oils, powders, and lotion bases (and lotions). Should be interesting to look into.

Plus a few curiosities such as this site, which offers aroma therapy diffusers and this site which I love because they sell wooden straws! :D

Which reminds me of the fun things my friend Liz sells at her Etsy shop, Owl Post Magic, from which she sells her lovely "Harry Potter" themed magic wands, parchment letters, potions, lotions, and Pygmy puffs... she is amazing!! :)

On sadder notes, I'm worried about my dear friend from work. She is going through some hard times, oh how I feel for her. She was beat up by her boyfriend on Saturday, she's not been able to sleep much and today she just found out that she has thyroid cancer! I've been lending her money, her Dad is flying down and she's said that she will pay me back but I don't mind if she doesn't. I am praying for her and her little girl, and I pray she will get away from that abusive, immature and pathetic excuse for a man that she's with...

Well, off to bed... G'Night

Friday Night Thoughts

2011-07-22T20:34:00.000-06:00

First of all band pictures, my son was rather hard to catch as he marched down the street playing Clarinet for the Timpview High School band...

Koli is the fourth one in... hard to see...

Anyway, I stayed late at work today, basically because I got here late, like always... I'm glad that I have the freedom to stay late. I REALLY needed something to ease myself into working again.

So I'm here, the kids are at my parents (my oldest and youngest that is...). My daughter Angie is at Girls Camp, Sione is with his Dad.

Sooo, some thoughts. I'm 32, no seriously self... that's the number. I remember the time passing, yet it passed like a dream. Every waking day it seems as though I'm trying to get past it... trying to get over it... well almost every day... there are a few days and hours... minutes... seconds... that I wished would never end. Yet they treacherously did, and now on to the next minute of this day as simple and complex demands take my attention.

I hear the sound of the cleaners, emptying the trash. Soon they will discover me here...

They are down the hallway though... so I will write some more.

I remember getting my diploma, it's sitting on a shelf here in my cubicle, a weighty piece of paper... it took many, many moments of my life to get it. The hours I spent reading, rereading, and listening to lectures... taking tests. It's ironic that they dare to feel authorized to "confer" upon me some title, a degree, an award for all of that effort, "The degree of Bachelor of Science - Accounting." Honors, Cum Laude... irony. I felt so little when I graduated, a walking stone... In reality it was the equivalent of the paperwork you fill out after the labor of bringing life into this world, anticlimactic...

Especially since I had been through so much during this time, death, pain, sorrow, helplessness, lost love...

The death I starred at, late at night, it drained out of me, it lived in me... I struggled to know why it was there. The death I ritually wrapped in a cloth and carried to a tiny grave hoping to bury a piece of the sorrow. I faced it in the day time as well, with hard cramps and familial responsibilities. You never know how strong you are until you hide the pain from those who are too young to carry it...

Death I heard as a call in the night, a call to my heart... eminent relinquishment of a bond. I heard a voice tell me my Grandmother was about to die and so I went to see her in the hospital, stroked her hair back, marveling that my strong and gracious Grandmother could lie there helpless and oblivious. I talked to her, told her how much I loved her and she struggled against the tube down her throat to say something to me, anything! I told her that it was alright, that I understood and that I loved her. She lay back down and in the morning she died... my father was there to see her go.

How hard it is to grasp the divine. How hard it is to live with your hands to the glass, peering into the unknown.

I lay close to death, many times, and those who could have helped me were oblivious. After eating far to much gluten I found myself lying in bed, painfully caring for my baby daughter, struggling to lift her to my breast. Struggling to hang on. I told my mother that I was dying as I sat at her kitchen table, she didn't believe me. But I felt my soul rise, I felt disconnected from the world. It happened many times during the months, nay years after I had damaged my intestines so thoroughly. I remember lying in the tall grasses outside, staring at the kitchen window, weeping at the frailty I felt. The silent walk back inside, the utter helplessness as I watched the kids play, unable to direct them to stop doing this or that... to weak to speak to them. That is my own touch with death, I hope to not have to visit that world between worlds any time soon.

God, to me always this silent understanding that I've held of the universe. I've known that he was there ever since I walked silently through the dark gym behind the chapel partition, looking up at the dark green "Exit" sign, walking slowly as my shoes tapped on the gym floor. I think that God knows how to work with man better than men know how to work with man. Because I've often had to separate the actions that people take, the choices they make, from the actual manifestation of Gods will because very often people get it wrong. The closest that I've come to God is when I don't even know he is going to help me.

The blessing of a broken heart. The blessing of separation... the blessing of guilt, and the harm that unfounded guilt can do...

The important thing to remember is that when your heart is broken you are humble... it is quite different from deep grief. A broken heart is a sorrow for the state of separation that you feel from God. It is quite keen, poignant... and ultimately quite healing.

The separation that you feel creates the yearning, the sorrow that cannot be healed until you feel the healing balm of Gilead sooth your soul.

Guilt, by far the best indication that something is wrong with what you are doing... yet misinterpreted it can be harmful if all you do is live in a state of guilt. Becoming immune to guilt completely is to be completely unable to be persuaded by what is right, good and moral. But wallowing in guilt, feeling guilty for something that is not your fault... is destructive in and of itself. It is a fine line to walk to honor your conscience and yet to spurn the message of inadequacy or of failure. I suppose the best guide is to feel bad for those things that you intentionally do that you know are wrong. To question and evaluate those things that other people have influenced you to do and/or have done to you... and to not allow yourself to feel guilty for not having the time to do everything that you want to do.

Prayer, useless if you're not even trying, but a vital connection to the divine if used properly. The trouble is knowing in your mind and in your heart what you should do, because often your mind doesn't agree with your heart... and sometimes you wish that you had another choice... and sometimes the impossible seems to be within your grasp, it is marvelous.

I'm going to sign off, wishing that I knew more about this puzzling world... and yet ironically wishing that all I knew were those people whom I loved, and wishing that I could stay with each one of them forever...

Last Week, Good and Bad

2011-06-20T22:38:00.001-06:00

I was reading through my friend ecogrrls blog and found that I suddenly felt like writing, ironically I'm coming to some of the same conclusions that she was coming to in one of her last posts.

So recently, like this week, I started a new job, got Roxie a new day care (then subsequently changed said day care for reasons I will elaborate on later), my oldest son marched in the Timpview Marching Band in the Summerfest Parade and then last of all... I was in a car accident and my car was totaled.

Quite a week right?

The day care issue, well I tried really hard to find Roxie a good day care (I mean really hard). I spent a day sorting through the state referrals for licensed day cares, another day visiting 4 day cares and the next day visiting 3. These daycare options have been widely varying in quality, with only 2 that were run fairly well (I ruled them out because one was too strict, the other I ruled out because the assistant couldn't figure out that her "ADD" son might have problems with the handfulls of gummy worms that he was eating). One daycare was in an affluent home with lots of toys and fun, there was a dedicated bathroom and teeth brushing was mentioned... but she opened a room where the center kids were supposed to sleep and there were older boys in there that she chased out. Plus she was disorganized and had too many children. I ended up going with a Chinese girl (twenty something) whose mother helped her out. They had converted their garage into a playground, and all seemed OK, but at the end of the week Roxie was crying about a little boy who was calling her "Poo Roxie." I didn't like that there seemed to be no structure at all and that they had given Roxie a bag full of Ritz crackers to eat...

Ideally I would find a place that was as thoughtful about food as I am, but seeing that there only one person that I know who is as thorough at investing what she eats I know it's a slim chance that I will find that ideal.

So yesterday I called the last person on my list (who I had found hard to get a hold of and didn't appreciate it) and visited her home. It turns out that she is a grandmother whose daughter & four year old grand-daughter is living with her. She does daycare so that her grand-daughter will be well cared for while her daughter works, and only accepts 5 kids. When Roxie met Miley it was as if they were long lost friends. Both are brown and about the same age and size. They both love pretending and dolls, Roxie is going to have a blast! :)

My oldest son decided that he wanted to be in the marching band this year. He had to switch back to the clarinet (from the oboe) which is the instrument that he started out on but he hadn't played it for a few years and had to get up to speed. He practiced his heart out and passed off the requirements to be in the band and marched for the first time yesterday.

I can't believe I have a son entering high school! That's just bizarre, I just don't feel that old (in some ways) but then I do feel that old in other ways (I've been through a lot, I have a right to feel some what older and wiser)

As for the accident, well... ironically I was thinking that it would be nice to get a new car as I was driving around yesterday.

There was a festival going on, I didn't account for this when I turned onto State Street, so when traffic stopped I missed it and slammed into the car in front of me.

Unfortunate and a loss but I shall move on and not worry too much about it. It would have been more devastating if I hadn't just started a new job.

I'm working at Adobe for 6-9 months as an intern. This job is super easy and I'm getting paid well for it. It's not that I don't like a challenge, I do, but sometimes it's nice to not have to stress out about being able to do the job well. My manager has already mentioned giving me a recommendation when the position is finished, so all I have to worry about then is doing a good job! Basically what I'm doing is grouping the records of their customers together, they've got quite a few duplicates, the computer has sorted out quite a few... and now they need human eyes to look at them. There's a team of 6 and I like everyone on the team. 1 person was let go from the group who seemed to be frustrated by the requirements for the job and didn't have very good Excel skills. They made one of the team (an older lady who had been an administrative assistant before raising her family) the lead. She's the contact for people who need to communicate with the group. She does not have as many technical skills as some of us but she is very organized. Another of the group, a man who used to be in Real Estate, the one to go to for reports... she had me create a power point (which I over thought, making it too complicated and wasting time that I could have been researching companies with). Thus when they ran a report on Friday it showed that I had a far lower amount of companies/tasks completed. The good sign is that after being given a few tips by my manager I was able to clean up the power point, and when I focused on sorting out the companies I did quite a few of them.

Working with Adobe has been wonderful, they treat their employees really well and my schedule is flexible (in some ways) soooo... the next few months should be good for me.

The only thing I have to "deal" with is driving the Yukon to work (the car that Sam has been driving around). I want to be independent, I don't want to give my ex an excuse to ingratiate himself with me...

I will "deal" though, and hopefully get a nice new car soon. :)

Wish List

2011-06-18T15:41:00.001-06:00

There are dreams and wishes that I often overlook from the turbulent rush of the day to day grind, so I thought it would be nice to create a "Wish List" because wishes are nice and a girl can always dream...

I would have to have a wide range of essential oils to scent my laundry with, I love lavender, rose, tea tree, cedar, jasmine, lemon, pine, sweet orange, tangerine, and vanilla. This is a website with bulk essential oils that I want to check out further. I think I will buy an ounce of each to see how well they work, then decide if I want a larger quantity.

Another wish a diffuser like "The Spa Diffuser" on this web site.

Something that would be fun to have is a nice ethnic drum, I know, I know, it's rather odd... but well I would like that and other percussion instruments. I don't have a lot of time to learn how to play the guitar (a life long wish/ambition) so why not relax and learn to play a drum? :) I'm going to have to look into this further, I want a really nice looking one that can double as a decoration.

That's my list for now... :)

Chore Chart Pictures

2011-06-12T23:19:00.001-06:00

I have a good friend who wanted to see the chore charts that I had my darling Ajey design so here are the pictures.

What I did was an internet search for "Printable Race Track" to find one for the kids characters to go around on. Then I found some Mario Kart characters to print off (for the kids to choose from) for their marker. For each room I had Ajey create a chart with the specific chores down the side which I numbered, and the numbers across the top correspond to each chore. (I think that it could be made simpler, but I haven't spent the time to think about it, this way has been working so far). Then for each chore (listed down the side) there is a point value associated with it... I then had the points correspond to spaces on the track 25=5 spaces... but you could just as easily directly make each chore worth a certain amount of spaces. (Pick up the toys in the living room = 5 spaces; brush teeth = 1 space... etc...).

The other thing is that they have to make it a certain amount of times around the track to earn incentives. Plus I laminated everything at Stevenson Geneology (By Arby's in Provo and across from McDonalds)

Hope this helps! :)

Son of Abraham

2011-05-28T07:27:00.000-06:00

I had a dream this morning, for some reason I was in the midst of efforts to prevent and or clean up from flooding. Then my mind narrowed into a victim of a flood, a young man who at first seemed to be grieving the loss of his ATV which had been parked in the garage but which had been swept away by the flooding. Then a Country Western song came into my head that I believe hasn't been written yet.

Here it is

He stands there watching as the floods sweep it all away
The thrills and rides, his hopes and dreams are gone
Let the water take it all away, it doesn't matter
all is gone

She lay right there
and his daddies eyes
Let it disappear
let it sweep away

His thoughts are churning as he stands on the bay street bridge
his father is man enough to take the blow
Should he give it all away, what does it matter?
hope is gone

She lay right there
and his daddies eyes
Let it disappear
let it sweep away

Son of Abraham, he gasps for breath
drowning now
being swept away

He stands there watching as the floods sweep it all away
His fathers arms grasp a hold of him to stay
Let the water take it all away, it doesn't matter
she's still right here

Son of Abraham, let it sweep away
take your first deep breath
she'll be right there

**All right this is as close as I can get to the song that was randomly playing in my head. Somehow it doesn't come out quite the same when trying to put it down onto the screen.

Possibly Impossible

2011-05-15T21:45:00.001-06:00

Real, what is real?
Is it the dream of desperation in the night?
Searching for the road that will lead to safety,
out of the darkness into the light,
confusion, swirling mists, anger released, anger betrayed
All is silent, no pending opportunity awaits
except to write, write like a mad woman
stay up all hours of the night
with the clock ticking the seconds
till the dawn when the reality of possibility becomes impossible
and my words become swallowed in absurdities
where I grasp at the branches of my family tree
and find that I have been wandering in volcanic ash, in lava
stepping ever so carefully down the path where no one will follow
the only way is forward, each glance behind costs me
so I shut off my emotions
and the death of the scrawny kitten rouses a pittance of the sympathy with which it deserves.
I need to sail
I need to write become so quick at my craft
that I can produce the torrent of logical illogical masses of words
to feed my family the bread of substance.
Or else search among the meager crumbs of employment
to lock myself in a cage, a cage and I need to do it and be good at it
I need to understand the mysteries of pomp and circumstance
or else idly wander in the streets with the lonely voice of the lost angel
a messenger of mercy from a God who exists, the glimmering hope of my last cry.

I wrote this I believe towards the end of 2009 before I was able to find a job. It kind of makes me nostalgic that I could write so passionately, though it is the sweat of desperation that drives me to write like this sometimes. I still feel somewhat the same way about employment... ;)

A Voice

2011-04-30T14:28:00.000-06:00

Silence, my silence is an echo of the past. I've had a hard time vocalizing, so much is taken out of context when people don't know how to listen. Speaking cannot guarantee that you will be heard, there's such danger in speaking sometimes.

I am neither naive or deluded, I am not a victim always, I am an intelligent woman trying to get the best from the situations that life is presenting me.

It would be nice to live my life simply being me. It would be nice to share my thoughts, be outspoken, and not worry so much that people are going to be offended because what I say is coming from my heart. I want to bring happiness to others, I want to help others to shed the pain that they have built up in order for them to be happy again. I want to heal.

I've been thinking about myself in the context of a job. I can see things that are wrong and fix them, I can contribute comments about how things should be run. I tend to do too much though, take on too much responsibility, I kill myself from trying and then end up appearing in a bad light. How ironic is that? If only I could make a determination, I have X amount of responsibility, I will only do X amount of work and then past that it is up to other people to take up the slack.

I'm afraid of overextending myself and/or under-extending myself. I error on the side of overextending myself and don't know how to stop it.

So much of our misery is brought upon ourselves.

My Daughter

2011-03-19T15:46:00.000-06:00

Your eyes hold visions of happiness

A sanction of life that recalls me to vitality.

My hopes and dreams alight

when you smile, when you laugh.

You are blooming, I have bloomed

the cycle continues

I recall you as a child

You recall me to childhood

The future manifests itself through the past

and we both grasp for the present to begin anew.

I Am Engaged!! :)

2011-03-18T19:49:00.000-06:00

My lovely fiance proposed a top the beautiful Mt. Coot-ha in Brisbane Australia. We took a stroll along the winding gardens of the restaurant and sat next to a peaceful fountain where he proposed. Sadly it will be quite a while until we can be married. I live in Utah, USA he lives in Brisbane, Australia. We are planning things one step at a time. I'm looking for a job, he's just started one, and we've got to save until we're able to make the jump one way or the other to be with each other.

This is a picture of my engagement ring.

The Affect of Abuse, Subtle

2011-03-11T16:01:00.000-07:00

Abuse, abuse implies that someone with power misuses that power, moreover that it has an effect on other people.

I grew up in a home that was for the most part a good home, yet in subtle way's abuse touched our lives. I've not liked to talk about it, or else if I have I have dumped out the tumult of mixed feelings and messages leading to confusion about what I'm talking about.

Our family has a difficult time with communication. If there is a touchy subject we tip toe around it and suffer our burdens in silence. This is a large contributor I believe to unresolved pain that has filtered through from past generations, my parents, to my generation.

We've been told that our Grandpa D was a truck driver, that he would come home infrequently, drunk and angry. That he would line up the kids and smack their backsides with a belt. We've been told about my mothers brothers, how they tormented and tortured her. I know that Grandma D died from a horrific accident, that she was hit by a drunk driver. I know all of this, I know my mother walked the streets for miles trying to get over the accident... honestly though I think that sometimes she functions, but is not over what has happened to her. So my mother has carried these burdens into life as a mother and they in turn affected us.

My father, his father was an alcoholic. He returned from WWII with deep scars and a few jagged pieces of shrapnel in his hip. In a lot of ways he withdrew from life, in other ways he was a straightforward man who worked hard to provide for his family and he loved his wife, my Grandma C very much. My fathers life was filled with subtle abuse, anger and railings, bits of discouragement, snippets of cutting statements that undermined his belief in himself. My dad rebelled against these things, hung out with some low types for a while, drove a motorcycle (gasp). Then he turned his life around, gained a testimony of the gospel and went on a mission. When he returned from that mission he found that he had effected his dad and that Grandpa C wanted to be baptized.

The subtle abuses my dad suffered were brought into our lives through the anger that he would let loose upon us at times. I still remember that my dad broke my toy broom and threw it down the stairs, I was four at the time.

The subtle abuses created a home for us where our physical needs were cared for, but where chaos reigned at times because the lines of communication seemed to be permanently down between mom and dad. If dad got over angry, mom would withdraw into herself. Mom spent a lot of time reading, to me it seemed like she was gone a lot...

Dad railed the most on my little brother Daniel, though my older brother Jonathan received some. Jono is autistic so escaped comments about being stupid.

I subtly hid

At school I hid, I was picked on so I would try to hide and blend in. School was not fun for me.

Academics were characterized by struggle. In third grade I was put into the lower of two math classes and there were girls that liked to cheat off of my homework. I dealt with this by staying home and doing all of the homework in the book, turning it in and asking to be put in the greater class. Unfortunately I wasn't really ready for that class. Math was a swirling blur of incomprehension that carried through to college. In high school I was inadvertently put into an algebra class that was to hard for me. Dad didn't want me to transfer out of it but to push through. I remember studying with him many nights and I still didn't get what he was saying, I just couldn't do it. I felt like such a failure when I dumped the class and went to an easier one. Then I was so ashamed that I didn't like going to class, I didn't learn much in that class either. My cousin and I would ask my dad for help and he would explain things in so much detail that we would get lost and end up crying.

I got my share of that when trying to explain Math to my 9 year old. Now I understand that he was frustrated as well... then... we just thought he was mean.

In my marriage, abuse was subtle as well. I was 16 when I got married, I was far too young. He was angry on our wedding night because he wanted to play basketball with his cousins, not go on a honeymoon.

He was unfaithful to me, I didn't understand. His family sent him back to Tonga, I spent a grueling amount of time getting him back. Then when he came he was a curse and a blessing. He worked hard, but he would get angry with our kids. There were so many sessions where he hit them and I didn't know what to do...

All of these things have worked to undermine my own sense of self and my own determination. It is hard to stand up, now that I've divorced my husband and all of those previous episodes have dimmed, in order to walk firmly with resolution into the future.

That's what I must do though. I've had my bouts with math, went back to the beginning to try to conquer it, even now it is affecting me as I need to prepare to take the GMAT but don't feel up to it. Battle with math again? or fight a different fight? That's the question that is looming on my horizon...

In any case, I want to be proactive about my emotions. I don't want to minimize and not deal with my emotions, but I don't want to play the victims role. I want the psychological traumas to simply go away...

Support the Fight against Childhood Abuse

2011-02-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

My sweetheart Ajey has posted about his lecturers efforts to raise funds against the exploitation and abuse of children, here is a link. The Odds are Good, But the Goods are Odd

If this is a magic machine, then my daddy will come back...

2011-02-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

What do you say to your four year old who hopes that by copying a picture of her daddy that he will magically come back?

The most difficult part of all of this is that my four year old doesn't understand where her daddy is or why he's not at home. Frankly, I don't understand why he cannot be a part of our lives. I know the what and the logical why, but I don't understand what possessed him to make the choices that he did which drove such a huge wedge into our family.

It's been such a lovely day today, the weather so mild, and I've gotten so much done to organize my files that I would usually feel happy and hopeful. In past years I would have felt renewed hope that things would be looking up for us, that finally Sam and I would be able to work together as a team, earn money during the summer, get a home... and get lots and lots done, be successful...

It's all gone, I feel so blank

I would run to him and grasp his hand, tell him that I want to work on our family... but I can't and won't. He hurt me, and our kids, in a bumbling stupid way and even if I could be dragged into feeling sorry for him again it still wouldn't take away the facts. Could he even get on his knees to beg forgiveness to allow a new start? No because he hurt me even as little as a month ago...

I'm so sad though, it is so hard to be strong. I don't know what I'm doing, and the corporate world is harsh. I did well in Accounting, but only through a lot of struggle and study and I'm afraid to get another job doing accounting because the last job that I had required so many hours from me and I didn't have a mentor, they expected me to know everything right then, no exceptions. I wasn't stupid, but I struggled because I hadn't worked before and I got into a position that I wasn't prepared for... but I was so close.

That's off my chest... I'm going to make popcorn and a smoothie for my princess.

Confessional Time

2011-01-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

Yes I admit it, I must stare it in the face and admit it, I get jealous far too easily. I don't know what it is, insecurity perhaps? That's got to be it. Usually I don't feel threatened if it's a topic that I am well versed on or something that I am good at, then I am more likely to be conversant with a person about it, but otherwise I am jealous and it is not a good thing. It gets me deep into an unhealthy type of pride and self defensiveness and geez how can I learn if I do that?

In fact I get paralyzed by jealousy, I see that someone did something better than I have or can do something I can't and I go into a ridiculous self sabotaging rant in my mind about how I could have/should have/would have done whatever it is better.

Anyhow, now you all know, I'm a jealous puppy... sorry about that, I'll work on it.

Some Happiness, Some Sadness

2011-01-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I don't write more when I'm having really good days. I've had quite a few this week actually, the highlights of which were when I went over to my friend Lindas house to do pre-school with Roxie and her little ones as well as her sisters who Skype and join in. Somewhere in the midst of singing about fishies in the sea and creating a diorama of the ocean I felt joy, really peaceful and happy joy! :)

Another time that I felt joy was yesterday at Lindas house again as we read Tennysons poetry with our friends and discussed other things as well.

Other times that I feel joy are when I lie down with my four year old and watch a movie, or when my kids are having a discussion about random subjects in the car.

I desire to be happy, I want others to be happy, unfortunately that doesn't always happen.

I have a self effacing type of personality, it feels as though I slowly allow little pieces of me to be torn away. I just can't seem to get a grasp of my own wishes enough to look after my own best interests.

I've got a stomach ache.

I'm Scared

2011-01-24T00:40:00.001-07:00

I've been living in a state of denial since I left Pinnacle. Somehow we made it through Christmas, my dearest friend helped me through my kids received presents.

It is ironic that so many of our Christmases have depended upon the generosity of others, Christmas has always been a struggle for my little family even back to the beginning.

We were so poor, I had hope for the future though and a plan to work hard and go to school so I didn't mind much.

I don't remember much about the first Christmas that I had with my husband, I was still a child, still in the same room that I had grown up in, I think I felt disappointed in the fact that I received so little in presents but it makes sense to me now. I was so ignorant about how the world really was, and could I be taught easily, no, it took a long time.

The next Christmas was spent apart from him, I spent my days in a stupor barely able to get to work, hardly able to take care of my oldest son. I was pregnant with my second child and had been betrayed by my husband and his family. They took him away to Tonga before I knew what to do and I spent the next nine + months trying to get him back. I was so lonely and lost, I really didn't know what to do, I wish I would have had some guidance then, I wish I had it now.

The next Christmas he was here. We lived in a little two room apartment furnished with cast off couches that I had sewn together, a table that I had bought on layaway and paid off and a $30 dollar dish cupboard that I kept my prized "Blue Willow" patterned dishes that I had saved up for and bought a bit at a time from the store that I worked at. That year I learned that God listens, even if he doesn't make your trials go away. I made a list of things that I needed, a washer, a dryer, a toy chest for the kids, and wooden shoes. My Uncle called up and told me that he was cleaning out his basement and getting a new washer, he wondered if I would like to have it. I told him that I would and we went there to get it with my dad, we got looking through the stuff in my uncles basement and stumbled across a toy chest for the kids, an old tent, and under some other things a pair of wooden shoes with leather on top. I wore those shoes all winter even though they had little bits of wood missing in the heel which I tried to remedy by filling them with wood glue. Soon after we got the washer, (which my dad and husband fixed up), my husbands brother offered us a dryer, so we had all that had been on my list.

But Christmas was coming and I didn't have anything for the kids. I bought stuff at yard sales and at the dollar store, they were little and didn't know the difference, but I also wanted to give them some wooden blocks. I looked for them everywhere and couldn't find any, I looked on-line and found that they were expensive, so I decided to make them out of two by fours. I had my Dad cut them up and I worked many hours sanding them down, then I decided to make some for a lady in the ward who was beat by her husband and spent many more hours sanding blocks. I used a hand held jig saw to cut out half circles in some of the blocks, that was really hard and they came out slightly wrong but I did it.

Somehow, when the kids got there presents and were happy I was grateful, a lot less stung by the fact that grownups get less presents.

Every year since then Christmas has been struggle and miracle. People have given us gifts on our doorstep, someone paid for our dinner one night as I went through the drive through, someone bought me a Christmas CD when they overheard me try to put it back because it cost too much money.

That's how life has been actually, struggle and miracle. I've had to pick up and start over with our finances so many times. I've paid off so many ridiculous debts, debts that I never would have incurred except for a fiscally irresponsible husband.

I find myself at this point in time at an odd crossroads. I'm divorced, something that I did not want though I knew it would probably come, I have four kids and no job.

On top of that... the pending imprisonment of my ex-husband for the crime that he committed against me on the 8th. That means no money coming in for child support. Now what am I going to do? That leaves me with small options, and I've not been thinking about it... but now I am.

Shopping Insanity

2011-01-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

For someone who is known for their love of writing, I certainly do very little of it. I blame it on life in general, and the fact that writing comes in spurts for me.

I go through a painful process when I set out to write something related to my everyday thoughts and life. In my own mind I hear myself coming across as somewhat depressive, plus I tend to criticize myself... and my four year old comes in at the most inopportune moments to break off my train of thought and little niggling bits of guilt work their way into my stomach as I realize how little time I spend with her and how little time she has left as an adorable, demanding four year old.

Haha, she's upset because the "pink" hanger that she thought she had found turned out to be red. She just walked out and slammed the door with the exclamation "stupid red!" She's certainly my daughter, hehe, I loved pink when I was little.

I drove by the Provo Tabernacle today, they've set up a perimeter chain-link fence around the site, plus have covered certain areas with plastic and have set up reinforcing structures around the brick... I don't know what the plans are exactly for the site, but it looks like they are going to try and rebuild.

One of my great time wasters is lolling around in health food stores contemplating the products. I spent about 45 min at Good Earth in Provo this morning taking stock of the place and writing down prices for products that I like to buy. I was still in my PJ's (which consisted of athletic pants and t-shirt) plus I had boots and a winters jacket to top off my ensemble. I got a few looks from the clerks, to me the odd looks had me wondering if perhaps I should have dressed up... or perhaps they were simply not used to someone roaming around inspecting packages and writing down prices...

I then made my way over to Wal-Mart in Springville, I figured that since it had less traffic than the Orem Wally World that they might have some unique items, like the Organic canned green beans and corn that I was able to find at Wal-Mart before. I shouldn't have even bothered! They certainly didn't carry the Organic canned corn and greenbeans, I didn't find Organic crushed or diced tomatoes (for that matter the only Organic tomato products that they carried was a minuscule can of tomato paste and a few bottles of Organic spaghetti sauce). The spaghetti sauce did happen to be greatly cheaper than at Good Earth though so I picked up two that I wanted to try and a few gallons of white vinegar (excellent to clean with and a good laundry softener as well) and I hightailed it out of there.

Just to be sure that I was being fair to the Wonderful Walderific, Wal-Mart, I drove up to Orem and low and behold the oddity of chain stores, the products were there in amazing sameness lined up neatly in the same way so I rolled right back out of there again and off to SF Market.

Sunflower Market is a fantastic anomaly (did I use that word before in this write-up? I think that I did...)

Awww heck she wants to read Llamma Llama red pajama how am I supposed to ignore that?

anyway... I will write up about Sunflower later... ;)

Goodnight Blogger Land.

The Provo Tabernacle...

2010-12-17T12:20:00.000-07:00

Chill biting wind blows against the cheek as you to step to keep up with the crowd.The doorways are congested with the throngs of people so I rush around to find another entrance, the front doors are locked, despite the cold I admire the woodwork, the beauty of the edifice, the carved stone and brass handles. I run toward the now vacant turret doorway and I pull open the heavy door and step inside the historical scent assails the senses, the quiet murmur of the congregation, I breathe it all in, soak it in as I ascend the stairway. Narrow and steep, I tread carefully on the worn carpet and marvel at the feel of the thin wood rail I grip to, which is somehow out of proportion to where it needs to be to comfortable grasp it. I stop at the window well and once more feel of the atmosphere of the pioneer spirit, I ponder that if I just turn the next bend I will come across the ghost of the pioneers. As I reach the top I look out over the balcony, how many dignitaries and prophets have walked these grounds, look now at the congregation and I look for a spot to sit, clear across the balcony an empty spot is apparent so I make my way there, holding onto my baby girls hand lest she escape, or fall. I run my hand over the woodwork, taking in the plain utilitarianism of the benches, yet they are beautiful. I take my seat, and hold my daughter next to me and little son, and I search for my older children, down in the choirs, they are there awaiting there turns to sing. I let my little ones crowd next to the railing as their brother and sister sing, I crowd there too and take pictures of my children as they sing. How joyous I feel, how proud. Such nostalgia as I remember sitting here, sitting over there, and walking through the edifice for Stake Conferences and performances past. Even ironically that I sat there one cold winters night behind a girl who tormented me at school while I was growing up... I wondered then what she thought, and if she turned would she recognize me? I imagined myself as a young mother sitting with my oldest son as a baby, how I tried to help entertain my little brother and sister as my dad sang in the choir.As my young son asked for water I carefully walked down the stairs to the restrooms, cramped an inadequate as the quarters were we all loved the atmosphere, the building...

And now it is gone, burned in the night

I've walked past and admired the quiet beauty, my cousins invited me to be part of a pageant on the lawn many years ago, though I declined I still remember... I was proud of the Tabernacle, my grandparents worshiped there, my ancestors helped to build it. My heart held a place for it... and now my heart is broken for the loss. I'm sure we will rebuild, our craftsmen and dedicated members will all want to help... it will just never be the same...

A Short Chance to Write

2010-10-31T17:46:00.000-06:00

I haven't been writing much. I've felt words escape me as I've been caught up in a whirlwind of disorganization and as I've been trying to keep up with the expectations of my manager at work.

For some reason the things that I love and care about most deeply get buried in the back of my mind when confronted by such chaos.

I think of things to write, structure them in my mind and then sigh at the knowledge that my thoughts will soon be lost. Left to flit away because I'm so preoccupied or tired.

Then the blankness of the screen when I bring it up to write mocks me, and I lament the emptiness of my blog which symbolizes to me the emptiness of organized thought that I came to revel in when I had more time to jot them down here.

Interestingly enough this space has been a free medium for me to write than that of my diary which I am afraid that my children might find at some future point and complain to me of my pedantic thoughts and my blunders.

I've been battling these many months (during my blogging inactivity) the apathy that comes with exhaustion, the souls cry for what cannot be, the emptiness of the future when it has been ripped from the standard modality and even the shame of my situation. More especially the abject poverty that we were in and the struggle to break loose of it and the thoughts of poverty.

One thing I have noticed is that it is difficult to maintain a sense of what you do have; the blessings, the things material and immaterial, when you are battling the void. When poverty strikes the sense of loss can sometimes turn into a desperation to fill it with things, and there is the danger because the sense of things can be gained and lost so quickly.

I've been battling with loss, the loss of my marriage, which has still been dangled before me off and on over these many past months since my husband has put on this great show of things, ah and now he walks into my house like it is his own....

The perverseness of it is that though he is to most people and most of the time seems to be a simple guy who is just trying to do the right things in life, though he helps me sometimes around the house, though he has ceased to be (in many ways) the great negative and angry influence in my kids lives... still

and I don't know exactly what to say, it is difficult for me to place blame or talk negatively about people... and he's here playing with the kids, showing them a $5 dollar bill, throwing Roxie in the air, telling Sione to wear nicer clothes because it is Sunday and all... perhaps this is all innocently done, no prerogative... and I recall the rituals and routines of our previous life and think (or have thought in the past) that this is how life has been and is supposed to be. That he's the father of my children and being with him is how my life is supposed to be. At this point, I want to scream... it is the thought of what should have been and the thought of what is.

For I know of his perversity, I know of my sisters pain and her ruined life. I know how capable he is of lying and how deceitful he has always been. Then as he talks in his jolly way I am irritated by seemingly innocent things.... and it has been going on in this way for the past year. It's been since last March when I first filed the papers, and then July I believe when I updated them with all the information that was needed and I got his signature. Yet we are still not divorced, and why? Because he won't go take a class that the state requires! So I'm pulled on a string, where I know the boundary and the hidden subcontext but where I'm constantly held to the past and the present is but a tortuous moment where I'm trying to define what life I should be leading. We are not told what to establish when we are getting a divorce, and the lines we are told to draw get blurred when what needs to be done is confused with what shouldn't be done.

I have talked with the lawyer for the state (we've been involved with a DCFS case) and he said that he can file papers and he will spend a weekend in Jail if he doesn't take the class... he has until this Thursday...

In the meantime, what do I want now? I'm looking for strength and integrity, I'm looking for order and love... I'm looking for the peace of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and a bright future...

Direction

2010-10-22T22:57:00.000-06:00

It's dispiriting, a look at Yahoo's homepage... I keep looking, up and down, scroll left and right trying to find some meaning to it... there is none I wish I could type something in the search bar that would bring something useful up, something to give direction to these searching thoughts.

It is all a disquieting disorganization of meaningless drivel and yet I open this browser everyday hoping to find something that means something...

Yeah, I've had it... on to a different web browser... but what?

and what direction am I looking to take anyway?

The Whole Self

2010-10-03T13:12:00.000-06:00

I have given myself a new challenge, it is this, to look in the mirror and to not only accept what I see but to love what I see. To completely accept and love that person.

It is not as if I don't accept myself, or that I don't love myself, on many levels I love the person that I am. But in some ways I see flaws, scars, wrinkles, and proportions on my body that I wish were somehow different. So my body becomes this entity outside of myself, something that I live with, but never fully accept.

What if, when I looked in the mirror I saw a functioning, marvelous creation? A self healing and resilient presence.

Exercise has been an attack in the past, a battle against all that I cannot accept, a war against that separate entity where I have felt unfitly housed. It has been done with the greatest amount of distraction that I could muster, detaching myself from the pain that my muscles are crying out to me that they are feeling.

What if exercise is an awareness, a movement of love which is felt and carried out throughout my being, where I am feeling and acknowledging myself, my muscles, my wholeness. Tai Chi comes to mind.

I have not had the time to carry out a serious study of healing movements, but I have a few resources, I will study them today. :)

With love and appreciation

SG

Facing My Goliaths

2010-09-24T01:09:00.000-06:00

This week/month has been rather trying, an understatement to say the least. I was put on a project at work, the person that used to handle the project was leaving and they needed someone to do it, so over the course of about a week he showed me how to manipulate the spreadsheets and put them in order.

I naively thought that I understood what to do, I was scared though that when the time came to do it I wouldn't be able to... and I wasn't, at first.

I had deadlines to meet, and I was told by my manager that she had confidence in me and I wanted to shake her and say "are you crazy woman? I haven't ever done this kind of thing before! I will mess it up and you will be disappointed and angry with me...!!"

Nevertheless she left me to scratch my head and sort it out, it was very frustrating... I had notes but for some reason they just didn't seem to fit any logical order, they were all bits and pieces to a puzzle that I was terrified of handling. So I kept asking her questions and she has been so busy that she's been giving me distracted half- hearted answers, I've figured out that she honestly thinks that she's helped even though I (and others) are still left feeling confused.

So, I just started opening spreadsheets and pulling reports. Then I randomly started formatting the reports like I had been shown... but the crux was that I needed this list of customers and their cancel dates and I had queries to pull to find them, I had had previous instruction, I had examples of past spreadsheets... but things just wouldn't work the tools that I was using to try and find the answers to my questions just wouldn't work for me... so I spent many nights and shed many tears sitting there sorting it all out.

Then there was the battle that I was waging in my mind about how much I hated all of it, how much I wished that I was doing something else, ANYTHING else. Why had I chosen accounting in the first place I HATED IT!! ARGH!!! ON the other hand I was arguing with myself trying to be more positive, trying to look at all of the ways that I was improving, trying to deal with the stress during the day with other people there who needed my help and at night when I was tired and just wanted to go home, especially when things were not working. Plus the fact that I really needed this job in the first place and how much I wanted to prove to the world that I would be a good worker and how I wanted to prove to myself as well that I could be competent... and how much I wanted to be able to know all of the things that I needed to know...

You know what, I never would have been able to learn as much as I have learned if I had had an easier time at this. I've found that to be true with everything in life... still, it is hard and I wish that I could just absorb all of the stuff I need to know and just be incredibly talented w/o the hard work... hmmm.... well, I guess I'll just have to survive the hard work... and maybe when I come out on the other side, even if I end up not wanting to do accounting in the future, I will be more talented for having faced and conquered the difficulties that I have had this past month/nay lifetime really... ;)

Hope you all are doing well...

SG

Heart Passage

2010-09-12T23:25:00.001-06:00

Each day, I get up and go to work and work hard. I try not to complain though I do sometimes because it is hard. My manager is busy and it is hard to be forced to hammer out difficult things without someone there to tell you you're headed in the right direction.

I'm sad in some ways, and I push myself in others. Sad that each day I go into work, to grasp at this stuff called "Accounting" to do it and do it well means that I have to call on the reserves of determination that I have built up over many years of being determined. As if, through my own force of will I can learn and conquer this beast that looms in the distance called ignorance. I suppose I fear the unknown because if I fail, if I make a mistake then that will be like stepping off the road to security and happiness and I'm very scared of a future where I just can't cut it.

On the other hand I haven't come to grips with where I want my future to be. It has always been planned with my husband by my side... well that's what I wanted, that's what I thought. Though I feared being with him as well. He betrayed me very early on in our marriage and I was never able to really let that go, to believe that he was sincere when he said that he loved me. Things were difficult in other areas as well, yet he was my husband. I loved him. I forgave him, or tried to and vowed to move forward. At some point though I completely lost faith in things working for us and I tried to leave him thinking there was someone else that was better. Yet I couldn't follow through with that, I came back and I tried again and things were starting to feel alright, things were starting to work and I could just see in him this limitless potential and I wanted so much for him to reach it and I wanted us to be together as a family and make it in this world. All of my planning, all of my hopes resided in this.

Then it was all ruined, in one desperate year of madness, betrayal and ultimate idiocy. Then is when I started to scream, then is when nothing that I have strived for in all of my life made sense anymore and I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to excel, it didn't matter anyway.

He was at my parents house tonight, it was my sons birthday on Wednesday so we held the party today. He brought his friends sons and refereed a game of hide and seek, laughing at how funny those kids were sneaking around, and my little daughter running away from the big kids. He's such a jerk, he wants me to take him back and with the passing of time tortures me because he hasn't taken the divorce education class for parents yet and so our divorce is stalled in the courts. After that, well, I shall have to see...

I Love Fall!

2010-09-09T19:33:00.000-06:00

There is so much beauty in my mountainous Utah home; early dawn, awakening morning sunshine filtering over emerald mountain peaks and valleys; azure skies and crisp clean air. Little birds like to greet each other and peep as they hop in the grass looking for their breakfast.

I love it when it is stormy as well, roiling dark clouds with intermittent rain and sunshine, the dark gloaming in the streets, the fresh smell in the air. Splendid!

Then the glorious fall! How crisp the day's, how refreshing! For some reason during the first week of school you can simply feel the change in the air, it is less intense, so much more relaxed than summer. There is still some uncomfortable warmth but it isn't like the scorching heat of Summer. Each day the tips of the green leafed trees slowly take on different hues and die away, until one day you realize that the leaves have fallen and the musty smell of mulching leaves permeates the air and then one day the air holds winters bite and the season has turned again.

There is just something about the fall, I love fall!

SG

Paying Attention

2010-08-22T19:22:00.000-06:00

Life is so beautiful, so fragile and so hard to grasp a hold of. What do I know of it?

It has been a great teacher, each little day slipping into another, honestly at times it has been hard. Yet I would rather grasp at it and keep going rather than let it pass by.

More than anything I despise ignorance, ignorance is not something that is easy to eradicate though, you either learn from experience or you learn from searching out what others know about life and the world.

There are things that you know, from learning, from observation and then there are the things that you know in your heart.

I can't tell you that I have seen God, that I have read enough or know enough about life and history to say that all of the world can come up with a clear vision of what the reality of religion is.

I can tell you though that through all of the hard times, when I needed extra knowledge and assurance God has been there.

There is a tangible state of mind, state of feeling, state of being; that comes from quiet intentional worship.

So I go throughout my day's, it is hard but I'm trying, trying to eradicate the ignorance in my life.

Sometimes the storms of life drive away the debris that piles up from inattention...

it is when I am paying attention, to life, to my thoughts, to why I am feeling the way that I am that I really get somewhere; so I hope I can pay attention more often and hopefully I can learn to avoid ignorance.

(I just want to say thank you to everyone who's been such a help and a blessing to me as of late and I want to say how proud I am of my brother Evan, who through the recent e-mail that he has sent us has shown a great deal of understanding of life, of leadership and of the Gospel... Plus I want to thank Susan for helping me yesterday, her tips have helped a lot... though I think I will have to call on her again) ;)

Refracted Light

2010-08-18T23:33:00.000-06:00

Today has been absolutely insane! But not terrible...

First off, I tried out a sample of this fancy expensive shampoo... result... this stuff actually sort of sank into my hair in a rough gooy spot. Then I tried to "lather" it and I was able to sort of spread it a bit... bad idea... I got my hair wet then tried to distribute it... then feeling my hair get more and more rough and resistant I decided to try and wash it all out...

Then I tried the conditioner, "Why?" I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment. The conditioner wasn't as bad but it wasn't good either. I ended up washing out my hair and grabbing my regular organic shampoo (expensive but not as expensive as the other stuff.... oh boy!) I did another wash and then put two types of conditioner on and then I found that a lot of strands of hair were coming out... so annoyed as all get out I washed my hair out then hopped out of the tub to dry off and get dressed.

Normally my morning bath is done in about 5-10 min.... today it took 25!! I was so ticked off... I had to dry my hair and rush downstairs for breakfast (which turned out to be cornflakes...) then I rushed to gather a few things for lunch and then rushed to get Little R ready and out the door... a few blocks later I realize that I forgot my phone so I rushed back home, picked it up then rushed to the daycare... then happily got her there with a decent amount of time to get to work (well sort of) got to work (sort of) on time (within the 10 min. they allow anyway) and my day started.

Then I got pulled into training right away... trained, supervised, answered questions... repeat until about noon when I realized that I had forgotten the pasta salad that I had signed up to bring (I was hoping to make one gluten free). So I went with a few others over to Wal-Mart and bought some salad stuff.

We got back, (hehe... my friend got a bird poop bomb on his neck) and then I had a salad for lunch. More Training and such... then I was able to do a little bit of sorting out on the project that I'm working on to fix installment billing issues...

Left work at 3:50, went to the DV Group... which was good, then went home (though I probably should have gone right then up to my mom's). I cooked up the lime cilantro chicken that I had pounded and marinated the night before (and it was super delicious...) then ran up to mom's to get A and R... A wanted to stay there and go to the movies with my little sis. (plus sleep over) but I put my foot down and said no since I've let her do just about anything that she's wanted to do all summer and I felt that she should be home for a while.

Then I tried fixing stuff for my boarder salad... burned the rice while looking up Karen Carpenter for A... then started cooking more rice while I tried to study Excel (learned 1 new concept! Go me!!) Then started fiddling with my ipod and mp3 player trying to get songs on one so that I could isolate informational stuff on the other.

After that I went downstairs to almost burnt second batch of rice, then I made my border salad (yummy but not quite the same as the stuff at GE). Then I cleaned up all the pots and dishes from the days cooking efforts and gave R a bath (while reading her a couple of simple books). Got Little S in the tub, then I ran out the door to walk around the block (since my plan to go to the gym was shot) came back and found that Little R had jumped in the tub and thus had to get fresh clothes and that somehow all of the songs on my ipod had been wiped off...

For the past hour I've been trying to download the songs again (because iTunes suddenly couldn't locate them) and intermitently running out the door to go around the block.

While walking I was pondering a bit, initially I ran out the door w/o contacts on or glasses... I really can't see very well... makes me wonder where my vision will head in the future. The facilitator of the group I go to is almost completely blind... makes me wonder if that's going to be my future as well.

I recalled an incident from when I was a little girl where I was sitting in the car waiting for my dad and looking at the streetlamps down the block... I marveled at the multifaceted balls of light, sort of like fireworks or blooming flowers. When my dad came to the car I pointed them out to him... there were many instances were I wasn't able to see clearly when I was a little girl and I didn't know that I had trouble seeing... that was just how the world was.

Isn't that how life is? You think that the world is one way... but often times it's not, it's another way... and from one moment to the next it's hard to say when it is that you are not seeing clearly.

Anyway, crazy day... I'm off to sleep...

SG

Border Salad

2010-08-17T20:46:00.000-06:00

I have an expensive confession... I'm in love with this border salad up at "Cafe Fresh" a little cafe in my fav. store "Good Earth!"

The only prob. is that it costs $10.00 an order, ouch! It's well worth it as it includes a lot of food, yet I still feel slightly guilty spending that much for lunch for just me... (well actually little R. eats the leftovers when I pick her up from day care).

So I thought about it, it is just corn tortilla chips, brown rice, black beans, corn, Jicama (a root vegetable which is slightly sweet), mozzarella, lime cilantro chicken (added to the order) and I like to eat it with a balsamic vinaigrette (which I am finding can be lovely, I need to find a good recipe and make my own). Plus they add tomato but I think I would be better off without it as I'm slightly allergic...

Actually, OUCH! It is expensive buying the ingredients to put this together... about $1.99 for the tortilla chips (or is it $2.99... haven't paid attention in a while), brown rice... $.50, black beans (from a can) $1.75, Jicama $.93, cheese $5.19 (well... for the pound anyway), cilantro $1.49, limes $1.17, Chicken (whole free-range) $17.92, Salsa Verde (can't help but throw that in...) $2.50 and Avocado (irresistible as well) $.99

Grand Total $34.43... except the cheese and the Chicken can be used in other instances (and the chips) so I'll take off about 14.00 off making the price tag to be about $20.00.

I am planning on making some curried chicken from the thigh meat and I'm marinating the breast in a mixture of lime juice, olive oil, a touch of honey, garlic and cilantro... plus I'm going to make a chicken stock as well... good soup. ;)

So, though the ingredients alone cost quite a bit I'm getting basics for about 3 meals (well... I'll need carrots, onions and celery for the soup, plus a red bell pepper for the curried chicken).

I do have some white beans that I'm contemplating, plus mung beans and lentils... hmmmm.... if at some point I can make those work in some recipes then I will have some cheap sources of protein on hand...

The issue I have with beans is that, well... yeah... plus I've only ever made 12 bean soup with them (which is delicious but I don't usually have a ham hock on hand and I've sworn off pork products for the most part anyway...)

Anyhow...

Plans, plans.... now off to study the exciting world of Excel... heck if I can make it work for me I can get a raise and that's always a good thing!! :)

"Listen" - A Poem From Anonymous

2010-08-11T18:45:00.001-06:00

During my DV Support group today I was paging through the binder that they had me buy and found a poem that say's just what I have wanted to say about "Listening" without knowing how to say it...

Listen

When I ask you to listen to
me and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen,
Not talk or do--just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and
Billy Graham in the same newspaper
And I can do for myself, I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do
for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince
you and can get about the business of understanding what's
behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's
behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people
because God is mute, and He doesn't give advice or
try to fix things. "They" just listen and let you
work it out for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

~Anonymous

The Peace of the Temple, The Peace of the Gospel and why nothing else compares

2010-08-08T12:23:00.000-06:00

I am naturally a curious, questioning person who wants to know about everything. I have mounds of books around me, an attempt at osmosis a hope that somehow I will find the time to read them or else that somehow they will become imprinted upon my soul and mind. I have always been like this, always loved to be surrounded by books.

I'm the type of person who will catch fire with something and will pursue it until I have satisfied myself that I've studied enough about the subject to have a good grasp on what it is and then I try out the theory in my life to test how valid it is. There are quite a few things that I know through this method, for instance that fat (real fats like butter from grass fed cows, coconut oils, olive oil etc.) certainly will not make someone fat but that they are good for you and that your body craves them. I know that milk, raw milk, can be a good thing... but that It is mostly not for me.

Trial and error... one herb after the other... what works.

Then there is philosophy, I took an "Ethics and Values" class about 10 years ago. I became immersed in exploring philosophy, if this that and the other is true than that is true. I think that if a person doesn't have a good grasp on critical thinking that they could become quite confused... and I was, because I didn't know how to sift out one theory from the next.... all I knew is that most of it felt wrong, and perhaps intuition is better than reasoning in these matters. Or else I've not been raised to question, and questioning made me feel uncomfortable.

At about the same time I became engulfed in a consuming desire to really know whether or not the Gospel itself was true, and what about other religions, what were they about?

So I started to read everything that I could get my hands on, all the material that I could ever need really had been surrounding me for the whole of my life. That is everything about the Gospel, about other religions I took to the internet. I searched and questioned and thought over a lot of deep and weighty matters all at once and then found that my questions had run out, there were still a few that couldn't be answered through the texts that I had on hand and that bothered me, niggling little unanswered questions, right at the pit of my mind.

Yet they were not what I thought of as fundamental discrepancies in the course of theological verity, so I decided upon a course of cautious worship as I tried out theological theories in my life. I guess that's the way I've been ever since, somewhat of a skeptical believer.

There have been times though, where I have been confronted by pure and sweet peace. When I have felt with utmost certainty that what I have heard and read and have done was the right thing to do. When the Gospel has brought great peace to my life. Even miracles I'm not afraid to call such events and moments by the label of miracle. It is at times such as these that I regret most deeply that I am not a more constant personality, that I learn through fits of enthusiasm rather than from gleaning wisdom as I go. Well, I do find that I learn a bit more here and there as I go along... but I seriously think I need to develop better habits of study.

Thus the peace of the Gospel, to some it might be a torturous burden of guilt that they can't seem to shake because they can't seem to live up to the lofty ideals that the Gospel seems to impose. That it is a burden to believe, because belief requires commitment and commitment is hard when committing means reexamining your thoughts, your beliefs, your ideals... and yes often times it involves reevaluating things which we have accepted as simple habits that cannot be changed or things which we would rather not face.

I've felt all of that, yet I've come to a point where I know, I simply know that all I can do is live so that I am facing the truth and embracing it rather than turning from it. What is truth? That which we have thoroughly examined, which we have placed on the alter of disbelief or temporary acceptance and have found that if we violate or disregard that bit of truth than we will face consequences for which we will suffer... it is a natural thing. Therefore the Gospel is simply a guide which points out the natural and logical consequences for our actions, if it were false than we would be able to justify our actions against the untruth of it and find that nothing happened. So far I have found nothing which has been an unjustified law or untruth in the Gospel itself.

Then why the fits and starts, why is it so hard to simply live and believe and shout to the world that I know that these are truths?

It is for the same reason that I sometimes hesitate to tell people that such and such food that they are eating is not good for them, well they eat it right? and it hasn't killed them, right? True, simply and yet if it truly is something antithetical to health then the consequences will eventually show themselves, and I will have nothing to say except that I knew it wasn't good... but that I couldn't tell them that because they wouldn't listen, and what do I know anyway? Except that I've tried it, and it hurt me... and that everyone must find out the truth for themselves because I sure can't tell them what it is.

That brings me to the peace of the temple. There is concentrated peace there, the kind that settles into your soul up in the mountains or while sitting near a river, or a beautiful lake or the ocean. Going to the temple and emerging is like breathing a breath of fresh air. Personally I need to partake of that a bit more... I haven't been for far too long.

Ahhhh Time

2010-08-07T08:22:00.000-06:00

Well, now I'm at an interesting place in life... a construction zone of sorts. I feel a bit ridiculous because with the firmest of intentions I signed up for a gym membership... and haven't been really.

I'm an all or nothing type of person sometimes... at least with the food that I eat I've been an all type of person, I've not been like that in the past because I was deluding myself a bit that it was OK to eat "everything in moderation," ironic that I heard the same words from someone at work whom I know to be very naive. Perhaps it is that I feel safe controlling the foods that I eat, it is a personal thing, if I go too far, too extreme in loving/hating a food I can pull back and be more moderate... no ones feelings are hurt. I feel safe in this....

With exercise... I suppose it's the same, yet it's also something that takes a time commitment from me. Plus I've not felt well... part of that was Anemia, part of it was not being able to get enough sleep... I've been working on both of those issues...

Still, time, time is so fleeting right now. I feel like I don't have enough, am not doing enough, am not caring enough... enough seems to be too much right now.

At least things have been working themselves into somewhat of a routine, I think I've got an off sense of time... I think that I can do more than I can.

In fact that's part of what has kept me from blogging... I sometimes feel hesitant to write, receive responses and then not be able to respond to them. I feel like a selfish jerk...

If you've visited me at my spot lately... Thank you so very much for stopping by! I'll try to respond a bit here and there...

SG

Putting up my defenses...

2010-08-06T23:00:00.001-06:00

I am at such an awkward situation in my life, it's so very confusing. I think I have failed myself, let down those who want to love me and basically have retreated into a place of standoffishness.

At some point (in the recent past) I felt like my sense of independent thought was slipping away. It is a terrible feeling, one that I hate.

I wish that I could fix the worlds hurts but I end up causing a lot of hurt, I'm sorry about that world, I think I need to leave you alone for a while... I'm already limping, can't prop anyone up when I'm limping.

It's been hard for me to write anything here, I've felt the honesty eating at my sense of quiet reticence; after all if everyone knows my thoughts then I feel I am not allowed to change them. In a way it was better when no one knew who this little "Strawberry Girl" was... I feel so exposed at this spot and at my other.

The words have been flowing lately but they've been stopped by a desire to hide them away from others, so I haven't been writing them down, no matter how beautiful the thoughts have been.

I wish I could be a support, a friend... hard to do that though when I don't really feel up to being more than that, no matter how much I need the love and affection that I'm craving.

I'm selfish, I know I am

I want to be loved without any expectations of a relationship of a future. I don't know why I'm feeling this way or what I can do to fix it.

Am I scarred? Tired of trying? Yeah... I don't really want to try at the moment.

I'm sorry

I need to be guided by my own light, and by the still small voice.

I've been shutting it all off for too long...

HI

2010-07-25T20:52:00.002-06:00

Honesty is the best policy, at odds with this though are certain desires, desire to save face, desires to protect others, even desires to protect others from our unvarnished opinions. Unvarnished opinions that we know to be an incomplete picture of reality.

Children are honest, they tell you outright what you wish were hidden but which is not. They know when people are lying, they know when they are insincere, they know if you're sick, if you're sad, if you're hurt... yet they lack understanding, so they often will blurt out the obvious, that which we wish were hidden.

We can't really hide... it's just that when we get older we all play a game where the truth is not spoken, where you and I both know that such and such is wrong but we mutually avoid saying so.... it's more convienient.

We've all been hurt

Honestly, I care

I can see the hurt and pain

I know what those defenses are

My dad is watching an old cowboy movie, an Abot and Costello comedy "Ride em' Cowboy."

Those old fashioned shows are so beautifully simple, so idealistically easy.

I've spent my life chasing some ideal vision of myself. I wrote once that I would like to be the kind of person that was accepted. A lady, someone who could walk up to anyones door and knock, they would open the door and they would listen to what I had to say. They would see the acceptable me, there are very few people who have seen and accepted the insecure, imperfect sociatially unacceptable me.

I believe in myself now, I believe that I can usually get away with talking with people without feeling inadequate (well sometimes) yet there are still a lot of insecurities

and I let myself down, even when I've really tried. (It really hurts when this happens)

What do I need to do right now, for my own sense of self?

It is simply to live up to what I can do, what I need to do

I can't allow my little family to slip into permanant poverty! I've got to do something to fix this situation

All I can think of is to work, study, get my household schedule under control (which actually scares me the most as I am always trying to push everything that I need to get done through the little time that I actually have).

I can do it, I believe in myself

and I won't tell you that I love you unless I'm ready to make a commitment and I'm not, even if I care a great deal.

I believe in you though, cast off all of that self doubt

It hurts, I know

Just walk forward,

If you destroy yourself, then you destroy a part of me

I believe in you

Fighting for Freedom - Idealism

2010-07-25T12:14:00.001-06:00

I am an idealist, which is difficult at this point in time. Why? Because it is so hard to live the ideal.

Ideally, I should still be married. My kids should have a stable, normal home. I should be there for them instead of working...

Yet I live in the land of reality where normalcy has been redefined, my son Sione is often gone to his fathers home and I am often not there for my kids physically or emotionally.

Ideally, I should move from this place, the landlord doesn't give a care for this duplex and has let it go down bad.

But in reality, I am stuck here, I don't earn enough money at what I am doing which is in some ways a self inflicted fate and in some a reflection of the economy.

Self inflicted because when I went to school I chose to have another baby instead of going into the workforce and thus I haven't gotten the experience that I need to have to make more money.

A reflection of the economy because jobs are simply scarce.

and so I deal with reality...

Fighting for Freedom - The reality of it is that we are being shanghaied into socialism, yet isn't it all of our responsibilities to avoid government programs, avoid creating the need....?

Yet reality say's otherwise, I cannot afford to pay for health insurance... it is as simple as that. I am now eligible for it but it will cost me $200 dollars a month that I don't have, if I put the premium on my credit card I would still end up paying for it plus interest at some point. When I receive a tax return? How ironic!

Could I get the government to pay for my premiums? Perhaps

Could I get the government to pay for my housing? Yes

Could the government give me all this and would it be fair? Yes, Yes, Yes and NO!

How ironic that I am now faced with this reality!

That the very programs that I abhor and am fighting are the programs that I am forced to turn to!

Yet I still have a will, I can still fight this

But through the sacrifice of time with my kids, study of Excel to improve my job skills... yes but from the time with my kids... another job, yes... but it will take from the time with my kids...

Yet it is all I can do for idealism isn't it? Ideally I would stay with them, feed them healthy food and knowledge...

Ideally....

I hope I'm doing the right thing

Economy

2010-07-07T00:06:00.000-06:00

So, what is going on in the economy?

I want to see if I can think through this thing.

First of all there is Adam Smith and his invisible hand. In this model there is a certain demand for products, there are x number of buyers and the number of sellers will increase until it is not profitable for new sellers to come into the market. If more people demand a product there will be an incentive for more sellers or increased production.

What happens if buyers cannot afford a product? If there was no credit they would not buy it. What happens if buyers don't want something anymore? Sellers reduce there price, and some sellers quit the business.

So here is a couple of things that have happened in our economy. The government has had some favorite projects. Since the Great Depression, they have been subsidizing farmers. This is supposedly to help small struggling farmers cope with losses. (There could have been a different solution to this I think. There is an insurance product to help avoid losses, farmers pay there premium every year. Some years are good and some bad. When disasters strike the insurance pays out).

Anyway, here is partially what has happened because of government subsidizing. It's not really, small farmers that are helped (it is usually big agribusinesses). The government comes in and pays people to not farm this or that. You get half a million for not raising x crop, what a deal. The government also suggests crops, like corn, soy, wheat for the farmers to raise. Guess what? We've got a lot of corn, soy and to a lesser degree wheat (there has actually been problems with not having enough wheat this year, corn and soy are more profitable). These crops are highly genetically engineered, highly covered in pesticides and highly profitable. They use them as fillers in almost every food out there (making almost all processed foods contaminated and GMO).

They use corn to make ethinol to "suppliment" our gasoline (incredibly this does not work out as a benefit to the environment). They also use corn to make the lovely detrimental High Fructose Corn Syrup (which leads to people getting fat, sick, and actually easily controlled because they don't have enough energy to question what is going on. Do I sound like a lunatic? Maybe, but I have experienced the energy drain. Then vs. now? Now is much better, never again HFCS or GMO's) They use corn in a lot of other things as well.

Soy, lovely soy. Toted as a health food, incorporated into almost every food out there. Soy is one of China's 5 sacred foods. Guess what? That was because it was used as a nitrogen fix for their fields. They never even ate it for millenia until they figured out how to ferment it, alot. Then they only ate it in very small quantities. Why? Because it is a known toxin, it is highly indegestible, an accumulator plant that takes up all of the nasty chemicals that are sprayed on it. American's get a hold of soy and they run around toting it as a cure for womens menstural problems, heart disease, etc. . . Telling everyone of how healthy the Japanese and Chinese are because they eat it. Well, it's true they eat a little bit, but not nearly the quantity that Americans have been eating. I have also seen reports that Soy is contributing to the feminizing of American men (i.e. they are growing breasts, and there manhood is getting weaker). Look for the Weston A. Price foundation online for more info.

Wheat is also a problemetic crop, it is not that wheat is (or was) not nutritious. It used to be very nutritous. Yet wheat too has undergone many changes in not to short a time. It has been genetically altered (to increase the gluten content), it is highly sprayed (to keep away pests) and it is highly refined (to feed Americans obsession with white bread). As an interesting side note, the ancient egyptians were the only ones that could afford white bread in antiquity, because they had slaves that they forced to go through the tedious process of seperating the wheat germ from the berry. It is also interesting that the egyptian rulers had dental cavities and more problems with illness than there slaves. So Americans come along and figure out how to do the separating with a machine and then they make everything they can out of their "white" flour.

How does this all relate to the economy? Well the subsidized crops are not or were not in great demand until they became subsidized. Then because we had so much of this stuff we creatively put it everywhere. The subsidizing of corn has led partially to the world food shortage (because other crops have not been grown and there have been failures in wheat crops). There are other ways that this relates but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

Well actually, the failure in crops, the massive hunger, has led us to have to pay for food aid. Large scale farms, create a great demand for oil. Oil is a limited resource that is running out, we don't have very much so we help defend oil producing countries and go to war (Iraq and other wars) to defened and aquire oil. (See the movie A Crude Awakening). This leads to massive spending, which leads to massive deficits, which leads to inflation (the government prints money without gold to back it up), which leads to things being unaffordable.

In comes the white knight, the credit industry. If we can get a loan then we can "afford" a car, a house, in some cases food and clothing. How dare we save our money, it's UnAmerican. We need to buy more, that's what good ol' Pesident Bush told us to do after 9-11. BTW we were in big trouble, even then and they all knew it. So the subsidizing of our lifestyles has made the cost of everything to go up (partially, remember inflation from printing too much money?).

More demand for a product, clothes, cars, houses, makes people want to get in to sell the product. So more clothes are made (as cheaply as possible, since they are meant to be used a short time and then thrown away), more cars are made (as cheaply as possible as well), more houses are made (also a lot of times poor quality).

How is this bad? Well think of it, everyone is not satisfied with what they have, they need new clothes, new cars, a new house. They don't want to save there money, so they are given loans. As long as they are working this is alright, right? Not really. They are now beholden to others, they are virtually slaves. But they are willing to do this, they get to drive their nice car, live in their nice house, wear their nice clothes. (Unfortunantly a lot of these people will be driving no car, have no house or clothes, sad).

Then what happens? It all starts to fall, the price of gas increases, the price of food the price of clothes. The demand for houses keeps going up, so people keep building. There are so many people building, the price of materials increases. The price of existing homes increases. What about those people who want to save their money 20% down and then an affordable mortgage? They want a home they can expand and put their own labor into for extra equity. Well too bad, the competition has forced contractors to build homes with all the extras, with finished basements, and a spa out back (please come buy my home). Guess what, the price of everything has increased (incredible how can this be happening). Very few people can afford to save 20% down and they can't even find a home with an affordable mortgage (houses cost to darn much). So "hero" loan officers come in and offer you a chance to get into your home, take out a loan for the principle and a loan for the down payment. Now you know and I know that something feels quite wrong here, but everyone is doing it, it seems to be working for them.

Now BOOM, it all explodes. We have too many homes, that cost too much (builders are dying here they put so much money into the homes they built, should have built smaller and more affordable). They file bankruptcy, they cant build anymore, they are out of work. Everyone out there who decided to buy their dream home they can't afford has been working two or three jobs. Maybe both mommy and daddy both, but guess what they can't do it anymore and they lose their home. This adds to the amount of homes for sale on the market. People cant afford their new clothes so retailers can't sell their clothes. People are putting money on credit cards to buy food, guess what they are still going to have to pay the piper. Banks are in trouble, because they have lent money to people who have overextended themselves and are going bankrupt. So guess what? We have banks going bankrupt. Where does it end?

Here comes the government, they are going to "Bail" out the banks. In all seriousness, and I am scratching my head here, do they really think that this is going to be a long term solution? Bail out the banks, what a joke. Everyone in America is suffering. Even those that lived on a budget, saved their money and didn't buy a home they couldn't afford. Some of them are reaping the benefits of their thrift and are now getting affordable homes. Some of them, still are not able to buy a home. Why? Because they have lost their jobs, they have used their savings and feel like they are getting no where (That's us). So what would bailing out the banks do? Perhaps temporarily this would calm the stock markets. It would also, reward people, executives, for there poor behavior. It would create 700 billion dollars more of inflation, this is an indirect tax on all of us. As if the war and spending on all of the natural disastors of the last couple of years has not hurt us already. Inflation, means the cost of living (everything) will continue to rise. Is this bailout a solution, NOT AT ALL. I don't know what the solution is, but I know that the underlying instability of the economy right now is scary and it leads me to my solution.

To be happy with what I have and grateful, to make a garden, to walk if I can to buy my food. To take care of the environment (I haven't even gone into how all of this is indirectly related to how poorly we have been treating the environment). I also haven't gone into a triad about how the GMO's and poor eating habits of Americans are increasing the cost of health care creating the big demand for the health care industry (health care, I think it should be sick care). Which also strains our economy and makes the big guy's rich and the rest of us poor and sick. That triad can wait for another day, there is a lot to say about that.

Anyway, I am sure I have left out a lot, and that there are other perspectives out there (one which my neighbor holds is that this crises is from the cost of foreign oil, give me a break). If anyone can expound on this futher please comment, it would be interesting to see other perspectives.

~Strawberry Girl

Perceptions

2010-07-06T23:28:00.000-06:00

I am thinking today about perceptions. What I see, hear, smell, taste, touch may be completely different from what you perceive. Perceptions may change as well what may have been one day may be different the next based on a lot of factors.

Perceptions shape our thoughts and our actions, for instance, say you meet someone for the first time and think to yourself, "they are arrogant, they are shy, they are nice, they are not nice."

These are perceptions formed from a brief interaction, in many ways we need these judgements for some sort of guidance about who to develop a friendship with, who to trust and who to avoid.

Yet many times these perceptions are wrong, thus knowing this I try to keep an open mind about people until they prove quite succinctly that they are someone to avoid.

I have also found that perceptions shape the thought processes of others with whom we meet and interact, that is, what you say can effect upon other peoples ideas about themselves and life in general.

Sometimes we characterize our children into certain categories, "oh he's the smart one, she's lazy, she is just cranky all of the time." Admittedly I am guilty of this, for kids all have very different personalities.

I tend to think that these labels can be limiting, who wants to be known as the lazy one? The cranky one? I try to avoid saying anything negative about the kids in front of them, plus I try to avoid excessively praising one over the other when the other kids are in the room (It creates jealousies.)

Labels become self perpetrating prophecies, when your children hear the things that you say about them, they will act out what they think your perception of them is.

It can effect you as well, your own self talk can limit or help you.

I think, that in order to avoid ridiculing ourselves, we need to take a look at things in perspective. Look over your whole life, the opportunities that you have had, the situation that you have grown up in, mistakes that you have made. All of these things are in the past, you must accept that they have happened and move on.

Then, think about what brings you joy, what you enjoy doing. Focus on those things, and ignore voices of self doubt. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile, look into your own eyes and find acceptance. Move forward, don't dwell, move forward.

Saying all of this, I know that depression is very real. I used to be depressed all of the time. The change in my diet helped me to overcome it, though I still go through certain periods of depression.

What I find helps me is acknowledging that depression as a thing separate from myself, and pressing forward with my goals and plans despite it all. I fight it, I look for foods that I can eat to help change the chemical balance in my body (Omega-3 oils, Maca, Roobios tea are some). I exercise even if I don't particularly feel like it, and even if I think that I look like the biggest dork out on the street I keep walking anyway.

Depression brings with it different perceptions, and with those I try to make the best of the emotion by writing something. Some of the most interesting things I have written have come from the depressions that I have gone through.

Then, when I am on the other side, I am more able to feel the gladness of life and the beauty of things.

Don't ever think, if you are depressed, that it is a reflection of your true self. You are a creature of light and life, an interesting person. Not the outward shell, not the inward sadness but someone who is of eternal worth.

I am very happy today to have heard from a returning missionary in our ward, and to then go and hear from my little brother who is set to leave on his mission on the 7th of August.

He is very special to me, he was the first little creature that I mothered as a young girl. I remember reading to him the book "The Giving Tree," over and over again. Plus I remember him asking me "how do we hear, what makes sound?"

I explained to his rapt listening ears that there are invisible sound waves that travel through the air to reach our ear drum. I then had him recall seeing the vibration of things like drums and strings.

He has struggled with ADD or earlier on ADHD and being medicated with Ritalin. My parents did not know what else to do, I don't blame them it is a hard thing to deal with.

In fact my own little boy has some form of ADD, not diagnosed but I know the signs. I brought him out of school last year to home school him and have been partially successful as he now knows how to read and he's not dumb on his math facts either.

Yet he still struggles with writing things, and he does struggle a bit with the flow of reading (plus some other facts). I wish I could have done better for him, I went through a terrible year last year and the beginning of this, so I didn't teach him as much as I could have.

But at least he wants to learn and that is an important factor in life, something that being in school was zapping away from him. I have to send him to second grade though, because I need to work, I fear for the little fellow.

Anyhow, this post is long enough. I hope you all have a good and blessed day.

SG

American Freedom, Fight!

2010-07-06T23:19:00.000-06:00

Is that what you wanted America, mollycoddled living? Minds melting into mush as you endlessly feed off of stupidity?

Where did your fighting spirit go?

Daring, radiant life

Have we all retreated into dark corners, refusing to be stirred for humanities sake?

Enough!

I would rather live and die by my own two hands then go complacently into socialism.

Think! There are consequences for complacency.

Men and women have fought and died for our freedom, given all that they had so that we could choose.

Do you choose to be swallowed up in wallowing self pity over your lot in life or do you choose to embrace all that you have and fight the oppression of idiotically run government?

Live Americans, breath the air of freedom, taste the soil of salvation.

Do not be oppressed by the hidden crown.

(Elitists that are in control)

The Bitter Gall

2010-07-04T17:15:00.000-06:00

In our Relief Society lesson today we talked about the Plan of Happines... Heavenly Fathers plan for us on this earth.

The teachers approach was different from the beginning.

Instead of doing an overview of the pre-mortal existence, where we chose to follow Gods plan, she started talking about preparation. Ironic since I had just been thinking about how to prepare, what my ultimate goals were and where my focus should be.

When we are preparing for something we take into consideration what we need, who will be there, and how much time things will take.

She contrasted this with the fact that God is a God of order, that we were preparing to meet the challenges that we would face while here on the earth and that God gave us the circumstances that we would need in order to grow. That if we make the right choices in this life we will be able to return to him, and all have opportunities to make choices, no matter the circumstance.

She then talked about probation, that when we hear this word we might identify it with someone who is under probation after committing a crime but the true meaning of the word involves a period of time where we are given a chance to prove ourselves whether we will meet the conditions for being there.
pro·ba·tion (prō bā′s̸hən)
noun

a testing or trial, as of a person's character, ability to meet requirements, etc.
the suspension of sentence of a person convicted but not yet imprisoned, on condition of continued good behavior and regular reporting to a probation officer
1. the status of a person being tested or on trial: a student on probation because of low grades
2. the period of testing or trial

So if this earth life is a probation then what are we proving, what is the test for?

Here a distinction was made which I think is definitive, at least for me. We are not here to prove to God what we will do we are here to prove to ourselves what we will do, where we fit ourselves to be, what standards we will meet...

Another thing that is interesting to me is that God is sure of his plans, he knows he is doing the right thing and we can have assurance of that.

There have been so many times that I have made plans and then I doubt them, from my own failures I pick up a sense of doubt about whether or not I can complete the plans that I have made. So I am going to make it a point to believe in the plans that I make, in fact post a statement to that effect on my mirror if I have to.

It was also pointed out during the lesson that we all come to earth with different circumstances, that we make choices and others make choices that affect us and that God is the perfect judge. Jesus Christ knows us, he knows our grief and sorrows because he has borne them for our sake and that all of our lives will be taken into account, not just the things that you see on the surface.

Here is where comes in the "Bitter Gall." At some point I lost the way, again, about my purpose here on earth. I forgot my relationship with my Heavenly Father and with all of his children and thought that life is about "making it," "being successful." In reality, the only thing that really matters is how well I raise my children and what kind of a person I am at the end of my life.

Making enough money to support myself would be nice though. Plus being able to follow through on a couple of interests... but the ultimate goal is raising my children well and returning to him knowing that I have given my best effort at life, at being a good person, and loving those that I meet.

Finally I realized, again, that it is possible to love others despite their imperfections and that is one other goal to strive for.

SG

Hmmmm, not doing enough?

2010-07-03T11:51:00.000-06:00

It's finally the weekend, and I'm sitting around contemplating the universe instead of getting up and cleaning, the house could use a good cleaning too.

The thing is, I'm sort of at a loss. The only one home is my 3 year old, it has been nice snuggling with her, having a lesuirely breakfast (millet, butter and honey), reading a book on Vaccinations, watching some You-Tube videos and then having a bath.

It has been nice... yet I feel the weight of everything that I want to and don't have time to do pressing down on me and I tend to think that I'm wasting my time... letting it slip through my fingers when I could be up and about accomplishing, something...

Well, I suppose the day isn't over yet and I just need to get up and clean the house a bit. I've got plans to hang around with my cousins today so that ought to be nice... :)

SG

"Things as They Really Are" by David A. Bednar

2010-06-27T18:01:00.000-06:00

I just finished reading an article by David Bednar in which he discusses the dangers of allowing the internet to take over your life. To a certain extent, I've allowed this to happen to me. It was at a time when I was very discouraged with how life was going at home and when I was trying to sort through a financial mess that had been handed to me.

In some ways it was cathartic to be able to write, interact with people when I was tied to the computer, in other ways it was a strain on my relationships that should not have been.

Sometimes I wish that we lived during a simpler time... yet all we have is now, don't let it slip away.

Dandelion Wine

2010-06-26T21:42:00.000-06:00

Dandelion Wine my friend lent me this book and I've been slowly tasting Ray Bradbury's words for the past few weeks.

It is rich with descriptive adjectives, in fact at times each sentence is like taking a slow sip of summer, and thus the reason that this book is a good one to read at the beginning of summer... but then I would like to think that it could be a good reminder of the full bodied summer air, laden with fresh perfumes, in the middle of winter.

I know I've not written on here for a long time, haven't kept up with anyone's blog and basically disappeared from the face of the planet... well I've had a lot to sort out.

I've got a job, it's going well... though admittedly doesn't pay much. I've finally got the divorce papers that I've been working on finished. My house is a mess, cause' the kids are home for summer... but I'm surviving, that's what matters isn't it? :)

Hopefully I will be able to eek out a bit of a life here in a bit... I really want to return to writing. What? I'm not sure. I guess I should just write whatever comes to mind. :)

Hope you are all surviving out there.

SG

Finding my Why?

2010-06-02T22:09:00.000-06:00

I had a meeting with the bishop on Wednesday and he made a suggestion that I find my why? Why do I get up in the morning? Why do I go to work? What makes me tick? What makes me happy?

The obvious why's are my children. I get up and go to work so that they will have some of their needs met, I try to be a better person and a better mother because I want them to be happy.

The less obvious why's are actually the things that I push down when I get stressed or too busy. Those have to do with writing, with researching health topics, with exercising a bit, plus taking photographs just for the thrill of capturing something precious and beautiful... and I love books that make me think, not about difficult issues but more philosophically about life and love and happiness.

I have things that I want to be able to do, like draw really well, paint... learn Spanish... really those are things that I keep wishing that I could incorporate into my life... but they are why's that take more focus than I can give them at the moment.

and that is how I work, I cannot concentrate on a multitude of interests at the same time... I really like to put a lot of energy into one thing at a time, savor it, embrace and become a part of it... if there is too much information I feel fractured and lost and drained. Though I can handle things if I compartmentalize them and prioritize them... I know, sounds like a guy... I can multitask when it comes to menial things, but for my passionate why's, I like to focus...

Anyway, my head hurts a tich from trying to see through a contact prescription that is slightly too low... I lost one contact from my new pair so I had to revert to these because I haven't ordered any new ones yet... grrrr... my finances frustrate me sometimes...

Well, have a good night blog world.

~SG

Peeling away layers of confussion...

2010-05-27T21:53:00.001-06:00

One of my greatest strengths is determination, and I have needed it.

My life has been like a puzzle, at a very young age I realized that something was wrong, but I couldn't explain it.

Frustration, that is the predominate feeling throughout even my earliest awareness.

I remember climbing out of my crib, how the world swirled around me, how hard I concentrated to find a way down. I remember crying because I thought everyone was talking about me, and I couldn't understand. I remember the stomach aches, lying on the couch in the living room while everyone was eating dinner I cried because it hurt so badly and my parents ignored me because they thought I was being stubborn, that I didn't want to eat my dinner.

My brother was diagnosed with Autism at about 3 or 4, at about the same time I had several seizures. They couldn't explain it, they put me on dilantin, the same drug that my brother took. They hooked me up to a brain wave monitor and tried to figure out what was wrong but couldn't.

The seizures stopped by themselves and so everyone assumed that I was fine. I guess the deceptive thing was that I interacted with people and didn't freak out like my brother did.

But I had a hard time making friends, I would have given a lot to know the secret to it. What made it difficult for me was the fact that I couldn't understand peoples motivations, and I lived in a world of dark fog that swirled around me making me feel as though the world was closing in. In medical terms it is called free floating anxiety.

I couldn't run, I remember so clearly trying to run with the other kids. My lungs would cease up, my head would hurt, I would have to walk. It was so embarrassing to me because I would lag behind everyone else, perhaps they thought I was lazy.

It was hard to stay a full day at school sometimes, for several reasons, I was severely depressed and really only a young kid. I kept wishing that I could talk to a councilor, my mom didn't understand why, I thought that it would help though.

Another reason why it was hard to stay at school was the stomach aches, the bloating, the gas... oh how terrible it was to try and sit at a desk, the edge of which was only a few inches from my hurting tummy. I would walk home burping gas that was like a rotten egg. I remember sitting in the bathroom at home, holding onto the door and just feeling so, so ill. The thought was, what is wrong with me?

The trouble was that nothing could logical explain what was wrong with me. I had gone to doctors, they always had something to prescribe, but nothing alleviated the symptoms. In fact every single remedy that doctors have ever given me has aggravated my condition and/or completely missed the mark altogether.

Case in point, Prozac, I took it one time and went into a swirling darkness where all that I could think is that I wanted to kill myself. I lay down in my closet and refused to move until it wore off, then I threw it away.

Determination has kept me going though, I have never been comfortable with the idea that I could just ignore what was wrong with me and allow my life to be dictated by the monster of ignorance.

The triggers that led me to realize that there were answers to my disorder were a combination of several things. One of which was the walnuts that I decided to add to my cereal (because I heard that they had Omega-3 oils and I thought that the only way to get those were through eating fish). At the time I had gotten very skinny on Weight Watchers, so I carefully calculated 3 points worth of Walnuts to add to my morning bowl of Special K and started to eat that every morning. Amazingly, one day I woke up and I was happy, calm and happy and all that I could contribute it to was the walnuts.

So I told everyone to eat walnuts, they thought I was insane.

Then I decided to try making more things from scratch, after all it was expensive to buy boxed stuff all of the time. I started with bran muffins, and I thought that I would have so much energy that I could help my dad plant his garden and that things would be spiffy!

So I started to make and eat a lot of bran muffins... plus I decided to become a vegan and thought I could replace meat with TVP. I became extremely ill, I tried to take walks with my daughter, but would get about a half mile out and could barely lift my feet so I would turn around. Plus the pain, oh my goodness it was terrible, I was so so bloated, oh it hurts to think of it. I went to the doctor, she couldn't figure out what I should do, she gave me enemas, told me to drink prune juice...

Eventually I became so ill that I felt I was dying, it was like an honest to goodness out of body experience. I could barley lift my daughter I could barely walk, I remember slowly making my way up the walk to my parents house, setting my daughter down and sitting at the kitchen table, observing the world pass by. My mom came into the kitchen and I told her that I felt like I was slowly dying, I felt that it was alright, I supposed that no one could control when their time came and so I resigned myself to writing a few words of advice to my little sister and resting until I passed away. I took my baby daughter home, lay down on the bed and closed my eyes, laboring to breath trying to absorb her presence. Irrationally I didn't want to go to the hospital because we didn't have insurance and it would cost too much. As a last resort I called up the pediatrician who had been my doctor from birth and who was my childrens doctor at that time. He heard me out and decided that I probably had a condition called alkalosis caused by the change in protein (to TVP) and he suggested that I breath into a paper sack slowly... maybe he thought I was hyperventilating...

This is when my friend, who has studied natural healing, suggested that I cut gluten out of my diet. I did and a week later things were starting to resolve themselves. The depression was lifting, the brain fog was dissipating, at one moment it was if everything became clear all at once and I sat by the mirror reflecting upon my life and crying, crying because I had been affected in so many ways by ignorance.

This was only the beginning of my journey to being well, I have bought and tried and read so much information on health and what could be good for the body that I sometimes feel a bit estranged from everyone else.

It takes a lot of intuition to figure out what is really wrong, why you don't feel good. I don't believe in any one food, or any one thing... all I know is that each person that truly wants to feel healthy has to define that for themselves and take small leaps of faith until they figure out what works for them. Plus it is expensive to figure it out as well, I've had to have blood testing (self ordered... it cost about $500 dollars), plus I've had an independent lab help me determine whether or not I was truly gluten intolerant. Then there is the cost of experimentation with all of the different foods and herbal supplements that are out there... and as you all know, there are a lot of them.

Generally, what I think will work most of the time for people is focusing on a few key factors.

Vitamin D levels
Vitamin B-12 levels
Omega Oils (Chia seeds are a nice source, but an incomplete solution)
Blueberries
Avoiding Gluten (It is estimated that 1 in 100 people are sensitive to gluten)
Adding the supplement GABA
Taurine
L-Tryptophan (getting enough Omega Oils, Taurine and L-Tryptophan are all going to help to getting a good nights rest).
Probiotics (help even out your digestive system)

I like buckwheat (which is a gluten free seed that is unrelated to wheat)
I've recently started taking Chaste tree extract to help balance out my hormone levels, I like it (so far).

Some foods that don't agree with me and supplements that I don't like (an incomplete list)

Flax seed (makes me incredibly angry and irrational)
Sesame seed (makes me high)
Beets (I am allergic)
Quinoa (a relative of beets, though good for some people)
St. Johns Wort (gave me a reaction similar to prozac... I wanted to kill myself)

Plus many, many different herbs that are good for some people but not good for me... like I said, intuition should play a big role in sorting out what works for you... plus don't think that you've settled on something because often times you can be taking something that seems to have no effect, or it seems to aggravate things and you've got to reevaluate everything basically until you figure it all out.

Good luck with your journey...

SG

Measuring Up

2010-05-24T20:32:00.000-06:00

I am like a seive

open

yet closed

not fully letting everything out

and can only be so full

before I overflow.

So I weep

and eventually

a finer self is made.

The Irony of Ignorance

2010-05-23T20:23:00.000-06:00

Ignorance, ignorance has pervaded humanity throughout all of the ages. Ignorance is a disease which takes a hold of a life, gnawing at the progress that would be made without it.

I say this with irony

It is ironic to be aware of ones own ignorance; yet unable to definitively decide upon a point to begin erradicating it, to somehow be caught in its grasp is a truely ironic situation.

I am gazing upon a picture, an etching which hangs upon the wall above the computer at my parents house. It is of a little wooden cabin, with a few trees surrounding it, a few birds above it, and a dirt path leading up to it.

My thoughts are of how peaceful that little santuary looks, how simple life would be to live in such a place. Yet there, surrounded in the woods the inhabitants would be possessed of a certain kind of ignorance. How quickly could they become dispossessed of their land, if some schemer with more information decided to scam them? How tragic would that be?

Another irony is that we do it all the time, I do it all the time, out of ignorance. Yet what is the truth?

I'm going to make a global statement that most of the time we make or base our decisions upon incomplete information.

That if someone undertakes to fool a portion of society they can easily do it; with smoke and mirrors... what isn't there can seem to be.

Unsettling

I ache to be informed, yet haven't the time to do much more than glance at the headlines, dangerous!

Yet with knowledge comes responsibility

With ideals comes a certain obligation to follow those ideals

in all fairness I am idealogically untrue to myself

and thus deserve in some way my own ignorance.

Musings

2010-05-16T22:09:00.000-06:00

My son has been on a Beatles kick lately, which is amusing to me as The Beatles were the Quintessential beginnings of my formative musical tastes during my teenage years. Simmon & Garfunkel, John Denver, the old classics have all been my favorites for quite a long time. Though there was a point where I just outright stopped listening to it all, probably during some depressive mood of mine.

Which is where I have been lately, in a funky depression.

I've found a good job which I enjoy going to, simply because everyone is so easy to get along with which makes it nice to go into work.

A lot of my time has been consumed with putting everything into order as well, it has been such a crazy spiral of a ride. Who knew life could be so insane?!

I have a terrible headache, probably from the soaked nuts that I so lovingly dehydrated earlier this week... it is amusing/not amusing to me that so many things that are supposed to be healthy for you turn out to be unhealthy... or did I just do it wrong? Did I soak those frikin nuts too long or what?! I don't know...

Just stuck with this lovely headache, a vague wish that I could write some profound bit of wisdom or at least have enough time to simple relax and read a book (sans headache...).

Hope everyone is doing well... :)

Rough Week Celiac

2010-03-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

I feel very well today! :)

Last week was horrific, I ate some vegetables that my mom had cooked in canned beef broth... they tasted good... but they made me sick. Why? Because the beef broth had MSG in it which is in itself bad, but then it is also an ingredient which has gluten in it (Mono Sodium Glutamate) and if you've read my blog you know that gluten makes me sick.

So Monday and Tuesday I was purely sick from the gluten (which is bad enough) Wednesday I go into the doctors (and mention the problem but doctors haven't a clue most of the time) she gives me the result of the blood test that I had done last week that show I am Anemic and deficient in Vitamin D (that's no surprise as it is winter here, hard to catch much sunlight).

Actually, I've been sick for a while... I think it's related to the GF pretzels that I was munching on, they are gluten free, but they lack fiber and are made with safflower oil which doesn't agree with me too much... plus my kids have made a lot of cookies (from scratch) lately and the flour bin was by the fruit basket...

OI this is hard sometimes... anyway... on Wednesday I took the Vitamin D supplement that the doctor prescribed (50,000 IU so you need a subscription) and then a multi-vitamin... and boy did I get weak really quick! It was terrible I was fainting, I couldn't walk very far, but I had to push on and get stuff done anyway.

Then Thursday I discovered that the Multi that I had taken had beets in it and I am terribly allergic to beets, so I went to the store and bought an Iron supplement, I checked it out the best that I could (I was still faint) but I didn't check it out well enough because when I took it I got worse! The next day I was struggling really bad, even then though I still pushed on because my life is so busy that I can't take a day off.

Friday night I decided I had better go into the hospital because I felt so weak and yucky. The thing is... I know more about what makes me sick than the doctor, he was listening to me, nodding his head and going uh, hu... uh, hu... I was trying to relate to him how serious this is and mentioned that I have had 14 miscarriages then he was like, WOW! Did they ever do any tests to see what the problem could be... I roll my eyes "yes!" and then explain to him how it is related to Celiacs disease (and they wouldn't consider it because I hadn't been officially diagnosed though I've had a test done through and independent lab). So he prescribes something to "Clear" me out... and sends me on my way. I WAS HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION! I mentioned the supplements but they discounted those as being something that could effect me... I've been effected by a lot of herbs so I take that seriously. This episode just confirms to me how pointless it is to consult doctors sometimes, they don't look for the root cause, they are trained in diagnoses but not in prevention so they lack the intuition to think beyond the obvious.

Anyway, I felt better Saturday (well, mostly) and I was about to take more Iron (after all things seemed serious with the anemia) and I found beets among the ingredients and I go OH.... that's it! Luckily I had bought another supplement, B-Vitamins, I checked them out and they were alright (no nasty ingredients) so I took some of those and they made me feel terrific!

Sunday, I was a lot better (though still slightly tired and shaken) and today I feel fantastic! So, that was a rough week but I got through it, with a lot of support from someone who cares about me a great deal... :)

It's all in your head...

2010-03-01T14:40:00.002-07:00

I can't remember when I last posted about the disorder that I have called a "Gluten Sensitivity" and/or Celiacs disease which is diagnosed through a scope of the small intestine, something which I haven't had done so I am sticking to the label of "gluten intolerance/sensitivity."

This is an ongoing battle which for the most part I haven't known that I was fighting, all I knew growing up was that it was normal to feel bloated and gassy, be dizzy, have brain fog, anxieties, depression...

It wasn't until 2 or so years ago that I found out that I was affected by gluten, and that because I ate way too much whole wheat and bran products trying to become "healthy" and then went into anapaleptic shock and my health has been compromised ever since, though I have been able to think more clearly and I've had less depression.

To the point, over these past many months I've been going through periods of OK to not OK falling ill every few weeks or so (or less, every week) and then determined to handle things myself I keep going.

Well I've finally decided to see the doctor, it won't be until March 22nd and then it may be a conflict with my hoped for work (I've had a few interviews and something lined up through a temp agency... but I'm not sure if that is the way to go...).

So until then I guess I am stuck eating a very "clean" diet of fruits and veggies, seeds, nuts and meat...

The thing that has been most difficult for me is that from the time that I had a severe reaction to gluten until now my family has only somewhat taken my seriously. In the beginning they were openly hostile towards me feeling threatened that I wouldn't eat rolls, bread, or gravy anymore. Then my sister in law, who was having trouble with her daughter getting ill all of the time, took her off of gluten she saw a marked improvement. So now my mom has tried to accommodate me when we go up there for Sunday dinners but I am still falling ill and so something needs to change.

I just hate to have to strictly avoid eating the food that she prepares but I will because I can't live like this anymore... I just have to prepare my own food and eat that on Sunday, I hate it but that is how it has to be.

Anyhow, that's the difficulty I'm having, I was sick over the weekend, feeling a better now that I've been eating only fruits, veggies and coconut kefir...

I'm working on Job training until I hear back from the interviews that I had on Friday...

Trying to be optimistic, yet still take seriously what needs to be taken seriously...

Employment Resources

2010-02-27T22:06:00.002-07:00

There are many employment resources out there, most recently I came across this blog put out by the church

Employment Center

at the top of the blog they post a link to register for a seminar and they have a link to open a pdf file of the course manual!!

What a fantastic resource, go ahead and take a look! :)

Also check out the Unemploy mentality blog...

The way Christ helps me with life

2010-02-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

The way Christ helps me with life.

I think that for the most part, in life we are successful if we work hard, find that competetive edge and go for it. I find myself continually searching, probing, refining trying to "fix" whatever problem that I have ended up with from growing up without parameters in my home... rules so breakable that they might as well not be there at all.

Eventually I am going to learn to type fast enough, spell most words correctly, learn how to use the 10-Key quicker, learn more tricks to Quickbooks and Excel... all skills needed for work and for my goal of getting into grad school later on. Well mainly work at the moment, one thing at a time.

It is Christ though that helps me take the mechanical, routinized perfectionism of this world and put it all into perspective.

It is through quite moments of reflection when I admit that I have failed, fallen short, that I am not perfect where I realize my humanity and his love for me.

That he loves me despite my mistakes, and that I can pick myself up and move on, striving for that ultimate goal of success.

Still knowing that the essence of life is love, and if I fail to develop that trait then I have truly failed. So I keep my eyes on Christ, holding onto His word with gratitude for what I have and a hope that the success that I seek may come.

A Message of Hope

2010-02-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

I received this Newsletter on Sunday and found a beautiful thought within...

A Message From the Bishopric
February 7, 2010

David Leigh

Grandview 8th Ward Bishopric

Recently, I read the well-loved poem, "The Touch of the Master's Hand," by Myra 'Brooks' Welch and saw the movie made by T.C. Christensen. I think the message is important for our ward. The last verse of the poem reads:

And many a man with life out of tune,
All battered with bourbon and gin,
Is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd
Much like that old violin.
A mess of pottage, a glass of wine,
A game and he travels on,
He is going once, he is going twice,
He is going and almost gone.
But the Master comes,
And the foolish crowd never can quite understand,
The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought
By the Touch of the Master's Hand.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, "We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings -- even if we don't deserve it. Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us -- even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will. We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won't, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities (General Conference, October 2007)."

I bear testimony that this is true. We are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father, and He loves us with perfect love.

I want to thank Brother Leigh for the message, it brought tears to my eyes because I, like many others, undervalue myself at times and at times feel unworthy of even the simple love and attention of others.

It is hard to hold my head up high and walk forward regardless of the sins and mistakes that I commit, hard to be humble, aware of mine and others weaknesses but neither debasing myself or debasing others.

I pray you all might gain some insight and comfort from this message as well, that we can be better than we allow ourselves to be.

Abide with Me

2010-01-10T15:15:00.002-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice,

to be in a place that was safe from the world,

safe from judgment,

safe from the fray of trying to live.

To just sit and listen to the strains of heavenly chords

in a nice warm chair, wrapped up in love

and to finally be able to talk, freely, calmly

to someone who cared enough to just listen, again, without judgment

someone who loves you so much,

someone who believes in you

and knows that you can do something great

someone without an agenda of their own,

all they want is for you to heal

and become stronger

They would never ask you to compromise in any respect

they love you too much

and understand that what is best is what is right

They hold sacred life, and love

and you can just rest

That is how I felt when listening to "Abide with Me" by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, that I was loved and cherished... I wanted to stay there in that chair, it is so hard to face the world, to be kind and loving without being compromised. To be taken seriously, and respected without having to resort to meanness. Firmness without anger, guidance without hatred, love without lust. Can I just curl up in that chair and stay?

Ramblings

2010-01-09T13:26:00.004-07:00

To a certain degree we all struggle with the perception and reality of aloneness. It is a perception because often, though we feel alone, we are surrounded by people. It is a reality because unfortunately we live and breath and die with the constant companion of self and there is no other that can dwell there unless we open and let others in to whatever degree that is possible.

In fact that is the dilemma that we face when trying to open ourselves up to the influence of spirit. The inner voice is the strongest voice, and even then the inner voice can be silenced by distractions, nonsense and idiocy. The challenge is to embrace the enlightening influence of the spirit, incorporating it into our awareness and balancing that with the immediacy of the corporal world in which we live.

I think my inner voice has been silenced in many way's at times by certain desires to fit in to the general mold, not surprisingly this general tendency leads me to silence as in the world of generality I really have no voice as I am generally and naturally separate and distinct from others, though I have the same underlying desires of being understood and loved for who I am.

Ironically I find not only silence but a retreating into a shell of defense when I allow myself to be categorized as a certain stereotypical person, which I suppose is unavoidable in some respects.

The irony really is that I betray myself in order to fit into the mold and then find that I am uncomfortable there.

So this blog then has been an effort to blend in, as unnecessary as that may be, and instead of writing lengthy discourses on my thoughts (as I tended to do in the beginning) I have limited it to a few pithy antidotes about my life and whatever amusing or enlightening bit of media that I came across... so much dis-ingenuity that I have often thought about closing this blog from the sheer burden of having to come up with more of the same to post.

Thus, I vow to ramble away if the need strikes me, for then truly this blog will be a reflection of myself.

SG

The Hiding Place

2009-12-22T21:07:00.005-07:00

When I was a freshman in high school I read this book "The Hiding Place" The triumphant true story of Corrie Ten Boom and then I copied the diagram of the Beje out of the book for a book report on it.

There are times when I think, I've got it hard, why me? But then I think of this woman, and her family who were the courageous rescuers of many Jews and others who were targeted by the Nazi's during WWII.

What sticks out to me, is the strong faith and Christian kindness of the Ten Boom family. I love both of the sisters, Corrie and Betsey, I love how they support and care for each other.

They were such honest and simple people who continually lived their religion. Even in the midst of the concentration camp that they were sent to after being captured by the Gestapo, they were able to help and inspire others.

These women lost everything, Corrie eventually lost her family and her beloved Betsie, yet she was a beacon of love and hope for many years after her rescue from the camp.

I always seem to gravitate to these types of stories, these types of people when I am going through a hard time myself.

At times I need courage, and I find it through others words, others faith, others strength. I am so grateful for what I have, even when times are tough.

The Builders

2009-10-05T13:24:00.000-06:00

A Poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Builders

All are architects of Fate,
Working in these walls of Time;
Some with massive deeds and great,
Some with ornaments of rhyme.

Nothing useless is, or low;
Each thing in its place is best;
And what seems but idle show
Strengthens and supports the rest.

For the structure that we raise,
Time is with materials filled;
Our todays and yesterdays
Are the blocks with which we build.

Truly shape and fashion these;
Leave no yawning gaps between;
Think not, because no man sees,
Such things will remain unseen.

In the elder days of Art,
Builders wrought with greatest care
Each minute and unseen part;
For the gods see everywhere.

Let us do our work as well,
Both the unseen and the seen;
Make the house where gods may dwell
Beautiful, entire, and clean.

Else our lives are incomplete,
Standing in these walls of Time,
Broken stairways, where the feet
Stumble, as they seek to climb.

Build today, then, strong and sure,
With a firm and ample base;
And ascending and secure
Shall tomorrow find its place.

Thus alone can we attain
To those turrets, where the eye
Sees the world as one vast plain,
And one boundless reach of sky.

~Longfellow

September 11th 2001

2009-09-11T13:50:00.006-06:00

September 11, 2001

A day I, nor anyone cognizant of world events, shall ever forget. I was pregnant with my son Sione, walking around a little bread store near the home that I grew up in, when I understood that something was wrong.

The radio, normally tuned to country music, was tuned to the news and people looked very distressed. I asked the clerk what was happening and she told me that an airplane had hit a tower in New York, I thought how terrible that was for them then went home to tune to the news and call my mom.

At home I saw on the television the image of the plane hitting the tower, over and over. I talked to my mom about it and then sat to watch the footage, it was so surreal that I couldn't believe it was happening, not really. When the other plane hit I thought "what next?"

The news of other planes headed towards other targets, including one that hit the Pentagon and one headed towards the White House, made me feel as though the entire country was at risk, that anything could happen anywhere. I worried about my children in their classrooms, I didn't want them to know about what had happened, they were so young.

That was Sept. 11th for me. The after effect was seeing flags everywhere, walking around at school and looking in other peoples faces, knowing that they knew. The subdued feeling at Wal-Mart as I walked around with my dad later on, it felt like everyone had just come from a funeral. People collected money to donate to the victims, people gave blood, everyone hugged their family members a little tighter after that.

We were regaled with the footage over and over again on the news until I felt I would puke from the constant reminder. I kept the TV off, it was just too overwhelming.

Eventually, the fervour stopped, the flags posted outside of car windows were ripped to shreds by the wind and eventually put away. Things, and people went back to normal with everyday concerns crowding in over the extraordinary occurrence of that day.

A day, that connected us all, a day that if mentioned will bring to mind the common remembrance.

The thread that has bound Americans and has come to mean many things to us all. It is a tragedy though at its core and will ever be.

Taking Baby Steps

2009-09-08T17:27:00.006-06:00

So, this is the world

expansive, broad

my world, has been rather small,

A microcosm of myopia.

I see out into the world,

and see possibilities.

yet

What if, haunts me.

What if I fail?

will i be shunned, scorned

The world,

this broad wide world,

is full of failure,

yes.

There is failure,

yet

I ask who has learned to walk,

without taking a first step?

As I take a step,

I shall know what it means to have courage,

I shall know.

A Better Post about Life

2009-09-04T14:42:00.005-06:00

Hello out there!

Sorry for my neglect... I needed a break. I think this blog deserves a good word painting, so here you all are.

Life,

So beautiful, and terrible, embraced with passion each step that you take can lead you to the gift of fulfillment, joy, happiness, yet terrible misery as well.

Embraced, embraced, can we live another way?

Of course we can, drift, wander, a lost soul in the sea of humanity. A dream, unfulfilled dies away with neglect and we are reduced to apathy.

Yet life, life, life can throb, life can fill there can be a fullness of joy, bursting forth from our hearts as we shake off the shame of what we think is owed us, and create for ourselves beauty from the ashes.

Marvel at the fresh scent of a new spring day, the mountains solid, sturdy, verdant and strong. Stand in awe of Gods wonders, stand in awe of the elements. Accept that things don't always work the way that you want, people don't always agree, but they too are aching with thoughts of life, all deserve to live.

~AV

=====================================================================================

Old Fashioned Pictures

2009-08-30T16:17:00.003-06:00

My Grandparents look like the poster children for "Coke" in this picture (1940's)

(Grandpa was quite strong eh?)

These pictures were taken before Grandpa went off to war, WWII. My dad was born after the war, there is about a 10 year age difference between him and his brother.

These are of my Grandma as a Youth, she looks so beautiful!

These are of my Grandma, her friend and my Uncle Mo

Update (Or something like that anyway, I've kind of lost track of myself) ;D

2009-08-16T16:59:00.006-06:00

Today is a good day, the sun is shining, I got enough sleep last night (super important) we got to church on time (someone check to see if we are in a parallel universe).

Chaos, and order, life seems to cycle through the two extremes. It seems to be either chaotic or ordered...

The kids start back to school on Wednesday, Sione among them, I enjoyed homeschooling him but I feel like he needs to be among his peers right now, he likes the other kids and the other kids like him. It makes him a bit more motivated to work on some of the things that he doesn't want to do, like handwriting, when he sees that everyone else is doing what he doesn't want to do. He's a funny guy... I love that little fellow.

On our way up to my moms house today we saw that there are a dozen or so people hang gliding up above Y mountain. My question is how did they all get to the top of the mountain in the first place, and are they all really that crazy??? (Well, actually I confess to a bit of envy, hang gliding sounds like a cool thing to do)

Anyhow, gotta go help shuck the corn for dinner (we are having Salmon, yummy!!)

SG

Friday Shoot-Outs "Textures"

2009-07-10T10:59:00.005-06:00

This weeks Friday-Shoot out theme is "Textures"

I love this theme!! I love capturing textures, I hope you enjoy. ;D

(For an explaination of Friday-Shoot Outs, scroll down to my post for last week)

The texture of calm water

Slightly less calm, plus the contrast between rough sand, water and smooth sand on the other side. (Plus cute kiddo) ;D

Rough waterfall on the Provo River

Smooth Clear Sky above Y mountain in Provo

Billowing Clouds

Smooth Asphalt Trail

Layers of images, stone memorial, smooth grass, stone building and mountains

Sandy, Rocky, stretch of land along Strawberry Reservoir as well as the prickly weeds and deceptively smooth grasses

Thick rough bark

Piles of twigs

Rocks, wood chips, and vegetation

Asphalt and Moss

Friday Shoot Outs - Celebrate Life

2009-07-02T22:35:00.004-06:00

The "Friday Shoot Out Gang" was started by Reggie Girl (Who seems to have disappeared) and Patty (Who has a super cool shoot-out this week).

Basically, someone from "The Gang" picks a theme, and we all go out shooting up the town. ;p

We all have a blast, so join us next week, let either Patty or Gordon know and they will list you as one of the "gang" members.

This weeks theme "Celebrate Life" was picked by Shooter Doreen in Michigan.

Watch Out There are Bumps Ahead

Georgous Girls

Go Sledding Down a Hill

Stand in the Snow With Your Baby Child

Hula

Battle Star Wars Style

Play Games

Watch the Road You!!

Celebrate the New Year

Sleep

Cry

Hair Flying By

Chase Your Lover

Be Proud of Your Country (My Brother in Law, Lee and His Wife Tresha, Lee was getting his Citizenship)

Hope you join us next week for the theme Textures, which was picked by shooter Linda out in Canada.

Just remember, there are no rules!! Just go out and have fun! :D

(Happy Upcoming Fourth of July, all you Americans out there!!)

Friday-Shoot Outs - Colors

2009-06-25T22:51:00.002-06:00

Don't have much time for the Shoot-Out this week, so please accept my appologies on the lack of commentary. ;D

Friday Shoot-Outs "Metal"

2009-06-18T20:03:00.010-06:00

This weeks theme was chosen by the lovely Audrey. METAL :D

Absolutely the neatest Metal Swingset ever!! There are seats for about 6 kids and someone can make the whole contraption spin while you swing.

Sione and Sam

Me and Roxie on Said Swingset

There is a canal system running througout Orem city. (There used to be one in Provo, but they've taken it underground). People with water rights take their turn by spinning the little wheel around changing the course of the water. My Grandpa's neighbor used to use his water right to flood his lawn and water his orchard in the back.

One of the many turn points for The Orem Canal

One of Orems remaining orchards

Similarly there is a large gate on the Provo River which helps to control the flow, it is currently wide open because the Spring Run off is so great!!

One of the dam controls for the Provo River (I didn't mean to swear, I swear!!)

There is a sort of metal grave yard on the Provo River trail, right before the underpass for the railroad tracks. I found this beauty there...

Metal Railroad Cart (Behind a metal fence)

Missionary (Woops were not doing the M theme :( I thought I would throw this guy in the mix anyway... because well, an "inflatable missionary?" How odd... ;D)

There used to be a burgeoning steel industry in Utah, I suppose these guys are a remenant of the industry.

Mountain States Steel

There is actually a place called "Metal Mart" up further north, I couldn't get up that far this week so I got a pic of a metal stock yard closer to home.

Stacked Metal Building Materials

Metal Chains on the Back of A Metal Truck

Truckers carry these chains to help secure there loads, to secure their wheels through the snow and for various other reasons.

Metal Framework for Building

Like I said, there used to be a burgeoning Steel industy and Geneva Steel was a large factory near Utah lake (it was a very big polluter of water and air, so I am glad to see it go) yet it was a part of Utah's industry for many years and my grandpa worked there until retirement. When Harley Davidson decided to build a dealership in Utah, someone had the creative idea to use the scrap metal from the old Geneva Steel building. I love the result!!

Timpanogas Harley Davidson Building

Along "Geneva Road" is the scrap metal recycling center.

Dirt/Rock Crusher in action and Backhoe

Large Metal Dump Truck Sent to Pick up Dirt From the "Crusher"

Ginormous Metal Power Pole

The Carnival (full of metal rides) Set up just about 3 blocks from my house... but the kids report that they are too expensive (darn).

It was fun getting pictures of metal!! I just wish I had a chance to visit my dad's shop because they bend sheet metal with nifty metal machinery (I love it in there, we used to play with the scraps when we were kids, made swords and such). Next time!! ;D

Friday Shoot-Outs - Stuff that starts with M

2009-06-11T23:00:00.001-06:00

Muts

Marlins (Koli's Baseball team)

Mountains

Movie Theater

Meadow Gold Dairy

Mall

Macey's Department Store (in the Mall)

Movie Theater

Moving Around (Yeah so it's a bus transfer point and the next one's a bus. Pictures that I didn't take for the transportation shoot-out ;p)

Meddling

W.A. Mozart Exsultate

2009-06-06T20:30:00.000-06:00

Beautifully done, classical music.

Friday Shootouts - Go Random (OK) :D

2009-06-04T21:28:00.001-06:00

Well the challenge is to go random, let's see if you can follow me!! ;p

Cottonwood Tree's shed these fluffy seeds every year... the kids like to gather it and always have dreams of making pillows (that doesn't pan out). :D

Dandelion hangin on for dear life by the river...

Hmmm. what's that? An ant? Alrighty then... let's move on.
(Koli, Evan, Daniel)

Roxie Say's Hello :D:D:D ;p

This is the view from the hill (coming down, that I rode up yesterday on the bike. much easier going down!! ;p)

Interesting Wild Grass...

Hi From an Eskimo!!

Brent Brown Toyota (across the street from my house... I wanted to capture a picture of the guy standing there, probably goes to BYU. He looked ultra "Prepie," very amusing).

Still with me? ;p

Now for a drive by 7-Peaks, Down Center, to Geneva Road

7-Peaks

(hmmm. Karate lessons, Sione would like some)

Sam was driving until I dropped him off at the Rugby field on Geneva Rd. (This is the "Peaks Ice Arena" notice the Olympic Symbol... I tried to get a picture of the sculpture of this but...)

Houses along Center(Slow Down!! Slow Down!!)

Random Jogger

State St.

The Tabernacle

Dining establishments along Center (The Mayor turned it into quite a business center)

Hindselmans (Still need to get a better picture)

Flowers

Reams (The little grocery store in the neighborhood that I grew up in. They used to hold an event every summer with 10 cent hot dogs and 25 cent ice cream cones. Ahhh. the good old days). :D

There is an interesting wooden cut out of a Scottish Guy in a kilt on the corner of this store, but Sam was driving too fast for me to get a picture of it... next time. ;D

Looking Past Reams towards the neighborhood that I grew up in (the bag for our fish broke along here one hot summers day... we were rescued from a total loss by a good Samaritan who threw out the rest of their drink and gave us the cup)

Geneva Farmyard

"Spooky Old House" along Geneva (always wanted to get a picture if this one)

Sun Setting along Geneva Road

Vinyard Garden Center (Love to hang out there)

"Mountainlands Applied Technology Center" part of UVU the University that I graduated from in 2006.

The humble little shop that my dad has worked from ever since I was a little girl... it is fascinating in there. (This is off Geneva Road, on 400 South).

Dad

Orem used to be famous for their orchards, most of them have been cut down to make way for housing, but there are a few left. (There is a little insect trap on the left of the picture, they are monitoring the enroachment of the Japanese Beetle or something like that).

I'll Throw Some Kiddo's in there for good luck

Roxie, Arisa, Kaede (My neices)

Kiddos

Today - Breaking Out!!

2009-06-03T11:51:00.003-06:00

Dance Like No One's Watching!

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with.
We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said,

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time... and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting...

until you finish school,
until you go back to school,
until you lose ten pounds,
until you gain ten pounds,
until you have kids,
until your kids leave the house,
until you start work,
until you retire,
until you get married,
until you get divorced,
until Friday night,
until Sunday morning,
until you get a new car or home,
until your car or home is paid off,
until spring,
until summer,
until fall,
until winter,
until you are off welfare,
until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on,
until you've had a drink,
until you've sobered up,
until you die,
until you are born again...

To decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

"Sing like nobody's listening,
Live like it's Heaven on Earth,
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching."

No Ones Watching!! WAHOO.... :D

Lovely Little Day

2009-06-02T16:02:00.002-06:00

Ahhh, today, I went on another lovely walk up the hill to the Orem bench. Took some pictures on the way down, rotated around to try and capture the panoramic view. It is a glorious view, the light filtering through the clouds, highlighting different aspects of the mountains. The spread of the valley neath' the spherical azure blue sky, filled with a copious amount of fluffy white clouds. The clouds now have gathered and a lovely fresh thunderstorm is smattering rainfall outside.

Afterwards I made some Gluten Free pancakes, some with raspberries, yummy!!

I seem to be endlessly thinking, thinking of what I need to become, who I want to be. In a way that is a weak position to take in life, always preparing to be ___.

What I need to do is be who I am, on the way to who I am going to be. I guess that means accepting myself, shortcomings and all.

We stopped by The Good Earth, and I wandered about a bit, taking in the atmosphere. I thought "I just need to buckle down and learn about herbs enough to come and work here."

Yes that is true, I think I need to push for those things like that, they will bring me joy. Then it will bring joy to my family as well when I am acting true to myself.

Plus there are so many great people that work there, a lovely girl named Jennifer that I love to joke around with, the manager Amy, and a lady named Tiffany who I chatted endlessly with about almost everything the other day. I saw her again today and we are going to add each other to our facebook accounts (yes I know, facebook is taking over the world). ;p

After that I wandered about in a little Antique shop next door. I love Antiques, I love vintage stuff. There is more to the stuff that they had back then, more character, more soul. I sometimes feel that I have been born in the wrong century, this I elude to in the poem that I did on my writting blog.

I just made some GF spaghetti and added some basil pesto that I bought (not quite enough zing I think). Plus I tried out an herb called Maca, supposed to balance/regulate your hormonal balance.

I did feel that it helped, yet now I am sleepy, though I need to work on some stuff. I suppose the Roobios tea that I am drinking doesen't help that (because it's calming) So I believe I will go take a nap.

~SG

Moments

2009-06-01T19:13:00.003-06:00

I keep thinking "if only I could get a moment... I could sort everything out, get the house sorted out, find something to entertain the kids, I could figure out the direction that I need to take with things (actually I kind of have an idea, just need a moment to work on it)."

In between the clutter, I am trying to find moments of sanity. When I find some i'll let you know. :D

Lovely Piece of Writing, by My Grandmother

2009-05-31T17:32:00.004-06:00

My Grandmother was a really neat lady, she gave this little tribute to my parents on their wedding day.

Angelia and Jon
By Angela Carter Cameron

I’ve tried to put in writing
Some things I’d like to say.
To this very lovely couple,
On this their wedding day.

Morris was nine when Jon was born,
And looking back now we can see.
The Lord wanted a very special spirit,
To send our family.

And special Jon has always been.
He brought us all such joy.
When he first came into our home.
Dad took charge of his baby boy.
He diapered, bathed and fed him,
Acted just like a mother.
Morris too, was very proud.
He now had a real live brother.

Jon often said such funny things.
The one I remember still.
Was the time he told his first grade class.
His Mother was mentally ill.
The reason – unrealistic fears;
The sight of a mouse brought hysterical tears.

With everyone he always gets along fine,
Especially the little folk,
“He’s the Pied Piper, followed by children.”
Is a common neighborhood joke.

He’s had quite a few accomplishments,
But the one most precious to me.
Is the role he played in making us
An Eternal family.

We’re so glad Angie Kay came into his life.
We were happy when he asked her to become his wife.
She’s the middle one in a family of nine.
The first time we met them, we knew it was fine.
To have our son join such a well knit clan.
We didn’t know then the romance had began.
They help one another – they feel it’s their duty.
And their love for their Mother,
Is a real thing of beauty.

Angie’s real special, but I’m warning you , Jon.
Her first day at school, she cried on and on.
There were two first grade rooms, she told her Mother.
The reason she cried – she wanted the other.

And then when she started attending third grade.
Her teacher, she said, was an ugly Old Maid.
When Mom went to visit, goodness gracious, alive!
Her teacher was beautiful – about twenty five.

Angie’s beautiful, spiritual, she cooks and she sews.
She’s gracious and kind and her good humor shows.
What more could a man ever want in a wife.
And we all know it isn’t just for this life.

Today in the Temple of The Lord, you see.
They were married for all time and eternity!

And now as you start the next phase of your journey along the sea of life, you should surround yourself with a fleet of ships to make the voyage successful. All of us here today are honored to share this festive occasion with you. We will deem it even a greater honor to be members of your crew on your good ship, friendship.

You have already been on board Courtship, but you have just barely reached the top of the gang plank. Don’t be afraid to express your love for each other, continue to go out and do fun things together. When children come into your lives, take time for just the two of you to get away once in a while. This ship along with her sister companionship should sail along together side by side all the rest of your lives.

Don’t neglect citizenship. Take an active part in community affairs. Get involved in politics, do your part to elect the right public officials. Our great country is at stake. Voting is not only your great privilidge, but your obligation.

Fellowship – our Prophet has told us we should all be missionaries. This is very true but many full time missionaries have reported it isn’t as hard to convert people to the gospel as it is to keep them active. Too many of us forget to show our love for all our fellow men – members and non-members, active and inactive, everyone needs our love and fellowship.

Hardship will no doubt be one of your vessels, but may it be the very smallest. And may you both be made even stronger for having endured the storm with it.

The mightiest of all will be the majestic Worship. To it you will go when the night is dark and the sea is rough. The Captain at its helm will guide and direct you in your darkest hour of need. Pray to him daily both individually and together, and live your lives worthy to have his Holy Spirit with you at all times for guidance and direction.

And now as you set your sails and determine your course, we wish you, smooth and happy sailing into the harbor of eternal joy.

How to Make Kombucha Tea

2009-05-30T21:34:00.010-06:00

HOW TO MAKE KOMBUCHA TEA (A completely caffine free version using Roobios instead of Green Tea ;p) (Pronounced kom-BOO-cha) (Roobios pronounced Roy-Boss)

KOMBUCHA is a handmade Chinese tea that is delicately cultured for 30 days (14-30 days). During this time, essential nutrients form like: Active Enzymes, Viable Probiotics, Amino Acids, Antioxidants, and Polyphenols. All of these combine to create an elixir that immediately works with the body to restore balance and vitality.

Ingredients

1 Gallon of filtered water
5 Tbsp + 1 tsp of Roobios tea (or use green, black or white)
1 Cup of white sugar

2 Tea Brewing Methods:

Hot Steeping: Bring gallon of water to a boil. Remove from heat and place tea in water. Let steep for 10 min. then strain and let cool.

Cold Steeping: Place tea in a gallon of water and steep for 24 hours. Then Strain.

Place Tea in a glass bowl. Add 1 cup of sugar. Place culture in the bowl (Do not let it touch metal!!).

Cover with a clean cloth or paper towels and use a rubber band to keep it tight on top. This will keep out other spores from the air.

Let cultivate in a 70-90 degree room temperature for 14 or more days. (Maintain it at a higher level if using Roobios Tea).

*You can place the whole thing in the oven and leave the oven light on.

Harvest tea and leave 1/4 cup of original tea in bowl to maintain the acidity level for the next batch of tea.

*You can also place SCOBY in a quart sized plastic bag with enough tea to cover it up. Then it can be stored in the refrigerator for about a month.

Make sure the tea is cooled enough before you add the SCOBY.

-I bought the large glass container and strainer at Wal-Mart, you can often order large glass containers like this one on-line, just look around. Plus my friend got the SCOBY for me from a lady who grows Kombucha tea locally, it cost her about $20 dollars which I split with her. She also ordered the tea in bulk on-line and split it with me. (Plus some PH test stips as well)

The tea starts at an acidity level of about 5.6 and ends at about 2.5 - 3, test it at about day 14. If you don't have test strips taste it, the more vinegary it tastes the more acidic, if it's sweet it isn't done yet, if it tastes just like vinegar you know its at about a PH of 2, not particularly a bad thing.

You can keep the tea in the fridge when its done.

Roobios - African Red Leaf Tea (No Caffeine)

Tea Steeping For 10 Minutes

Straining The Tea

A Cup of White Sugar (I have tried raw sugar and maple syrup but the SCOBY doesn't like them)

The SCOBY in a baggie, with a bit of the last batch.

Dump SCOBY into the cooled tea, use your clean fingers to spread it out, don't let it touch any metal!!

Cover with a clean cloth and use a Rubber Band to keep it tight

Keep out light by wrapping a paper bag around it and taping it as a cover. (Sorry didn't get a picture)

Benefits of Kombucha Tea

Kombucha Supports
Digestion
Metabolism
Immune System (also red raspberry leaf tea and if desperate golden seal)
Appetite control
Weight Control
Liver Function
Body Alkalinity
Anti-Aging
Cell Integrity
Healthy Skin and Hair

(Nutrition Facts on the Back of a Bottle of Komucha Tea that I bought)
Serving Size 8 gl. oz

Calories 30

Total Fat 0g
Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 10mg
Total Carbohydrate 7g
Sugars 2g
Protein 0g

Additional Nutrients:
Folic Acid 12.5%
Vitamin B2 10%
Vitamin B6 10%
Vitamin B1 10%
Vitamin B3 10%
Vitamin B12 10%

Probiotic Content:
Lactobacillus Bacterium: 1 billion organisms
S. Boulardii: 1 billion organisms

Antioxidants & Organic Acids
EGCG 50mg - Glucuronic Acid 5 mg
L(+) Lactic Acid 12.5mg - Acetic Acid 15 mg

Bike Ride For MS

2009-05-29T18:55:00.003-06:00

My Cousineth Julene was diagnosed with MS 6 years ago. Well coming up on June 27th her husband has decided that he is going to do a 75 mile bike ride for MS!! But he needs sponsorship of at least $250.00 before he can even enter.

Here are the details: (and a link to her blog post)

"Hey everyone! As many of you know, I was diagnosed with MS about 6 years ago. Well, my wonderful husband has decided to get actively involved this year by participating in the MS Bike ride of 2009. (And yes, it is actually called, The Best Dam Bike Ride) He plans to do a 75 mile bike ride coming this June on the 27th, but he needs to earn at least 250.00 in donations before he can even ride. If any of you would be willing to donate to our cause either big or small, we would greatly appreciate it! The proceeds of the event will go toward MS research.

If you would like to donate, you can contact Gabe at 1gabeo@gmail.com, or you can just go to this link and donate on the national ms society's secure website.

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?px=6838170&pg=personal&fr_id=9532

Friday Shoot Outs - Water (Sorry I'm a Bit Late)

2009-05-29T07:55:00.029-06:00

Starting with Clouds (Big Masses of Water)

Puddles and Snow

Sledding WAHOO!!

(This is my little fellow Sione) (Sione means Jon in Tongan incidentally)

(This is Koli Bear - Intense!!)(My oldest)

(Angie and her Cousins)(Angie's on the right)

(Daddy and Baby)

(Angie in front of the Fountain at Lagoon in her clogging outfit from last year)

(Ahhh, the river... The Provo River - My Favorite)

(Watch out Roxie!! Your going in the stream! This is taken up in Opher, our regular reunion location)

(My Feet, longing for the water!)

(Utah Lake)

(Fishing at Strawberry Resevoir) (Hmmm, Strawberries, YUM!!) ;p

(Sam off in the distance with a shirt on his head. His brother Lee and my niece Sabrina)

(My big brother Jono B)

(Roxie loves the water)

(Kids hangin in the water. Get out!! You'll scare away the fish!)

(Roxie is always up for a good bath, even with all of her clothes on!!)

(She really needed a bath after this!)

Yikes!! The exterminator is a coming - to chase out the bed bugs, darn those critters! So, I gotta go!! Hope you enjoyed. :D

Building Anticipation

2009-05-28T21:19:00.007-06:00

Scorching heat, dry weeds.

Tall, sparse weeds, some cockle burs that stick to your socks.

A lonely desolate place, though somehow it is a place that speaks softly of expectation, as though at any moment "something" exciting will happen.

Languishing in the sun, following the lines down, further and further as the anticipation builds.

Almost giving up, when...

A low rumbling starts, so faint only vibrations and expectation is felt at first.

In the distance, clickity clack, tickity tack, clickity, tickity, clickity, tickity.

Growing louder and louder, the rumbling as well.

Suddenly a long slow whistle, like a lost soul cries out.

Wooo wooooo

Bursting onto the scene is the rattling train, clickity, tickity, clickity, tickity.

The weeds shiver and the smell of coal dust and steel emanates from the shuttering beast.

Clickity, tickity, clickity, tickity, clickity, tickity on and on it goes.

Until suddenly,

Scorching heat, and dry weeds,

are the only thing you can see.

Short lived fulfillment,

as the anticipation begins to build again.

Situational Shortcomings

2009-05-28T20:49:00.002-06:00

It seems that,

No matter how much we try, we all fall short sometimes.

No matter how much we want to be there for someone, sometimes there is nothing to say.

No matter who your talking to, and how much they like you, sometimes they can get sick of you.

No matter how much we want to be in control, we are not.

No matter, try, be there, be patient, and learn to adjust when things don't go your way.