Monday, December 31, 2012

Choosing to join the Order Management Team

I am feeling a great deal of grief that I haven't let myself feel over what happened in May-July of this year (2012).

I had been a "Data Steward" I loved the challenge, though I was wearing myself out in the emotional investment I had in the position, and I had been offered a tentative permanent position as the team lead. This would include a trip to India to train a new team. Then I heard nothing more about it.

In the mean-time a guy in the office, a manager, stopped by my desk and talked to me about another position that was opening, in accounting, "Order Management." I felt that it would be foolish to not interview for the job so I did and was offered the position. I accepted.

Really I wanted to have heard from my current manager about how much I was going to be paid, the benefits, etc...

The whole thing sickened me. I felt cut off from what I truly loved, developing processes. I LOST the chance to go to India. To walk in my fiances ancestral lands, to meet his parents and sister. I lost the chance to reconnect with him, to feel close to him again.

I've not been as invested in my position as an Order Management Rep for these reasons. I've not been my usual self. I need to let go of the pain and look for possibilities again, this position is not what I love doing, I can do it, but I don't exactly love it. BUT I need to put more heart into it, and into developing talents that I truly love, AND look for the opportunities, they are out there... but hard to grasp if being done from inside a shell.

I can't do anything about the chance that I lost to go see my sweetheart in India. Visiting India looks like a dream at this point.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Emotional Processing

I'm reading a book called "The Bright Red Bow," I picked it up as a way to try sorting through my emotions as it's hard for me to get to the therapists office. One thing that I know about myself is that I tend to feel slightly disdainful/sarcastic about anything that seems hokey (like people joining hands and singing koombaya). So I had to put those thoughts/feelings on hold while the author describes going back in her mind to her 7 year old self to process the feelings she felt then when she was abused, and processing the feelings of her 11 month old self that was in an accident with her family... Now that I've read more about it though it's starting to make sense. I've done similar kinds of things to process and let go of my feelings before. One feeling/action that surfaces again and again in my life is withdrawl. I withdraw into a shell when I'm confronted with anger, disdain... when I can't get anyone to help me around the house and I'm hurt because no one seems to care, when I don't have a chance to talk through things with those I love, when I'm under stress. I berate myself, I blame others... all subtly, I used to be worse. Well I'm tired of letting those feelings stop me from being as loving as I should be, or proactive AND I'm tired of letting my hurt carry over to other people. Plus I'm tired of being an accomplice to my own abuse, allowing things to happen to me that I don't really want.

So I like this book. I'm going to keep reading it and clear my heart from past hurts.

My Geranium Boy

I started this blog as a way to vent my feelings about my frustrating marriage to my now ex husband. That marriage was a nightmare, I shut myself off to protect myself from the truth of it.

My goal was to have a good life, a good family and to be a good wife and Mother. Well, I was so miserable. Life was hard. We were poor and I couldn't get my budget to work, ever. I wanted to be a good example to my kids, so I went to school. That left me with very little time for them. I grew into a zombie.

There was always this search for perfection, ever grasping for it. But I couldn't find it.

On top of that my ex was abusive, angry, irritable...

I had no one to reach out to so I thought I would try to reach out anonymously to people on the internet through a blog. That's why this blog has never really had much about my kids on it, nor much about anything that I'm thinking or feeling... I guess it's been a rather dead blog.

My thoughts and feelings were being shared through my poetry. Very sparsely worded poetry. Not many people could see through it.

Ajey could. He got right to the heart of it. He got past my blocked off and numb state when I went through a crises in my marriage. He has been there for me ever since. When we were together in Australia I was myself around him, someone that has been hidden for a long time. We had big plans to be together, this year took a toll on that though. Too many realizations that us being together would mean sacrificing either my closeness to my family, or Ajey's closeness to his. I love his family too much to see them suffer. His Dad and Mom are such sweethearts and his AMAZING sister Ashi. I love her so much, she has seemed to me a little sister.

This has been so hard. Cutting things off. At first I didn't feel the pain as much. But it's been slowly building. I feel it now but it's tempered by his continuing friendship.

I had set up an online dating profile. I deleted it. I'm not ready to try moving on.

I miss my geranium boy Ajey.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Paleo bit and rambling about something else...

It's snowing hard outside. I'm so glad we are finally getting snow! Last year was very dry. I've been on this very long journey. It seems like a journey of a thousand lifetimes. It has all been about answering the question "What can I do to be healthy" and the experimentation and introspection that has gone along with that. I have grown up trying to solve my health issues. I have always felt something to be wrong in the way that I felt. I never knew how bad it was until I fell into a trap set up by misinformation, political agendas, cultural acceptance... that trap was the "SAD - Standard American Diet" and the fad "Diets" that went along with it. I tried a high fiber, Vegan diet that replaced meat with TVP... it almost killed me.

What is ironic is that I am SO sick about focusing on my diet. I have read MANY books on the subject of diet. I've gleaned a little from each. None of them helped the way that the Paleo Diet has helped.

THANKFULLY it helps. I'm finally feeling better, I finally have energy and a clear mind and direction.

In many ways I am alienated because I stand here having tried and proven many different approaches to health to be wrong and find that not many people have found this path.

It is like religion, a search for the ultimate truth. I've gotten to the point where I feel like I've found it. Yes I have absolutely found it, the way for me to be healthy, and I'm glad. I'm secure enough in that now that I don't have to push it on others, my path has been my journey, others have their own journey to take.

SO on to other things. That's where I hope to focus, perhaps books, movies, TV shows.

Books: "The White Mountain" by Thomas Mann - Love it
TV Shows: "Monk" and "Alphas (sort of, it's not as good as it has potential to be)
Movies: "The Lord of The Rings" FAN, but not super obsessed... it's kind of on par with my interest in Star Wars and Star Trek. I like and enjoy them, but I'm not giddy with excitement about a gathering of folks dressed as characters, I won't stay up all night for the new "Hobbit" movie coming out (watching the marathon of LOTR's) etc... BUT I do like listening to LOTR on You Tube (there's a great reading that was done by "Philstuffofdoom" and I am excited to see "The Hobbit" but not super excited they broke it out into 3.

I am excited about "Les Meserable" I listened to the unabridged book read by volunteers on Librivox and really liked the story line (though the long rambling sections about sewer systems and Waterloo were a bit discouraging).

I'm not sure how I feel about "Life of Pi" being turned into a movie, should be interesting.

WELL, I'm off to bed, it's late and that doesn't work well with the Paleo gig...


Saturday, October 13, 2012

My Pain

I started blogging because I was heart broken. My husband, he was a part of my existence, from the moment I married him it was hard, but I had this hope that things would get better and that the life I hoped for was just around the corner. He betrayed me, got another girl pregnant, he was shipped off to Tonga by his family. Before he left I flew to California with my son Koli. I clung to my husband, I wanted so badly to believe that it was all a mistake, that he really did love me, that the other girl wasn't who he really loved. I clung and then he left. For nine months I sacrificed my time and money to get him a visa to come home. His family had brought him here illegally I fought to bring him back legally, I fought because I hoped. When he got back I remember sitting out in front of the little apartment that we first rented, writing in my journal that I could see ten years down the road that he wasn't going to change but I just couldn't let it go, I couldn't give up. I wanted my daughter and son to have a father I wanted my family to be whole I FED off of hope. I cried tears of painful hope every night as I poured out my heart to God. All the while a part of me knew somehow that somehow in the end I would have to divorce him, or that he would betray me. Somehow part of me really wanted him to end it. Part of it was pride, I didn't want my kids to blame me for not trying everything I could to keep our family together. He was abusive. I could see all of his pain from his childhood, how he was raised and wanted to heal it. I wanted to make everything better, make up for his loss as a baby of his mom, he treated me like I was his mom sometimes, which was weird, he called me mom just the other day.... weird twisted world. He took advantage of my pity. Used it as an excuse for all of his shortcomings. I didn't feel loved mostly I felt used, used for sex, used for sex, and more sex. Mostly his life was about avoidance. I tried to get him to parent, it always backfired, he would explode at the kids, or make them feel bad about themselves or both. Luckily Koli, Sione and Roxie seem to have avoided most of that... though Koli was hit the most by him, Angela was hurt the most. She entered a shell when he would rant. She would become silent, he wouldn't touch her then because she was silent. Koli always cried and cried, it made him worse. I tried to find love, his cousin found me, he hurt me. Ironically every male attempt, just about every time, I'm offered sympathy, a back massage and then I fall into a defensive state, I withdraw and things happen to me that I'm not really a part of. Or I guess I don't want to admit to being a part of them, it makes me hate myself. It always hurts after, I always hurt after I've allowed myself to be used. In many ways I wish, that I could lay down next to my Dad, he would run my hair between his fingernails and kiss the top of my head, until I got too big. I know my Dad loved me/loves me but it's a different relationship now. I'm his daughter yes, but I'm an adult, I'm more like an acquaintance sometimes, it's weird. I looked to others for love, and didn't find it. Sam freaked me out, flipped out one Christmas and tore apart my daughters Lilo doll because she didn't want her younger brother to play with it. After that I was so scared, Sam had threw things at me, pushed me to get at the doll which I had hidden in the laundry room. After that I didn't want anything to do with him. I found someone else to take advantage of me, but I couldn't leave Sam, it would have been my fault... then I broke it off with the other guy, went back to Sam, made up.... and he seemed different, went to church... talked to the bishop, wanted to be sealed. I was terrified of the idea. Didn't want to do it for a long time, but then I questioned why not, it was everything that I had wanted a whole intact eternal family. I bought into it, I stopped hoping that he would leave and that the time had come that everything would be right. It did seem better, right. I remember realizing one day while getting out of a late class and walking to the parking lot to my car that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, I felt Sam like a part of me, I loved him, I cared about him and for him... I felt everything would be alright, until it wasn't.  It wasn't, 2009 was the year from Hell. A broken economy, which broke Sams ability to earn enough money, me striving to be better and better... a perfect mom, homeschooling her little boy. A bing on bran muffins and textured vegetable protein that almost killed me (trying to be a "Healthy Vegan), Sam flipping out because I was trying to get rid of the bad candy on Easter (I ate some and it made my heart race) and I threw some in his face because he was arguing with me about it, he turned over the table in the living room with flowers that I wanted to plant and a bowl of pistachios then he threw my daughters car seat at me, it hit me on the leg I went out the front door, I went limping down the street but there was no one awake. I didn't want to be dramatic, I didn't want to disturb anyone (it was very early in the morning) so I limped back, I swallowed my tears and swallowed his story that he was dreaming, that his uncle used to kick him when he was sleeping because his aunt told him that he had stolen money. I let it go but was hurt, and very weak. Weak because I was very sick.Then the day that the floor fell out from under me. The day my daughter told me her Dad had tried to put his hand down her pants. I believed her, I took action and then I took it back. I didn't want him to go to jail. He told me he thought she was me. I WANTED to believe him, but I knew deeply that it wasn't true. He told me that he was supposed to pick up a $50,000 dollar check that morning for all of the work he had been doing on the Price airport. He told me it was his last chance because the guy was going to fly out to see his mother who was dying from cancer. I felt ill because he had worked so hard all year and had borrowed so much money and $50,000 could have fixed a lot of that. I wanted to protect my daughter, but I wanted things to be better, I borrowed a thousand dollars from my Dad to bail him out and I let him back into the house, into our lives. I put a lock on her door. I let him stay with us... it was a nightmare, we had court hearings, DCFS wanted answers. He was not supposed to be staying with us, I lied to the court. My therapist calls it the Stockholm syndrome where a victim will protect their abuser. I finally did kick him out, September of 2010. It was winter. He took our Yukon and lived out of it for a while. Stayed with his friend sometimes. I couldn't help him, I had to turn my heart to stone. He begged and pleaded, he cried. I had to stay strong but when he left I would break into tears. I would scream. I didn't have a car for a while. Then I bought a little Honda from our neighbors, the doors on the passenger side were smashed in a bit because it had been in an accident. The window was cracked it needed a new battery and headlight but it was $300 dollars and only about $300 more to fix it. Then I had to pull myself together and look for work. I applied and applied everywhere I could but couldn't find anything. The Bishop of our ward paid the rent from church fast offerings. I was on food stamps and medicaid. We were OK. Then my son ran into a light post and his friends house and broke his kidney. He complained about his stomach hurting but I thought that it would get better, except that he was lying on the couch and not getting up to join us for dinner. After dinner he went up and used the bathroom then came down to tell me that he had blood in his urine. I brought him to the Orem emergency room, they did a CAT scan and then explained that his kidney had broken, they were about to send him in a helicopter to Primary Childrens hospital but found that his vital signs were good so sent him by ambulance. I rode with him. Sam drove the Yukon. I felt sick. Fortunately the doctor at Primary Children held off on doing surgery to remove the kidney because Koli's vital signs were good. He recuperated at the hospital. They put him on a special diet and let his body heal. I got a job. Out of the blue a company I had interviewed with before hired me. I started working, but was afraid I would lose my job because I had to go to SLC to see my son everyday. But I tried very hard not to let everything I was going through and had been through affect my work. I tried VERY hard and was taken advantage of. The company rewarded my efforts by making me a supervisor and putting me on salary and giving me benefits and then they demanded my time. They demanded that I finish X or Y project before going home and so I would work really late, sometimes I worked all night. I was in so much pain, I still screamed at times about everything that had happened. I would scream out in my little broken car and then would pull myself together and go in to work. Perhaps I will write more later...

Friday, October 5, 2012

Ears a ringin'

I slept until about 12 in the afternoon today! My head is clogged up, it some noises are louder than normal... and my ears are ringin' grrr

I'm glad my manager told me to take the day off, don't know if I could have handled work today... though I wish I could have gone in because I only needed to work 5 hours to get a full 40. I would have worked a bit in the afternoon but I needed to be a Mom for Angie. She had to get her wisdom teeth out today. They put her under anesthesia and she was done in about an hour... poor little girl, came out with puffy cheeks and ice packs on her head. I ran up to Costco to get her prescriptions which was a mistake because I spent too much money on stuff... or did I? I don't know, everything costs so much money these days. 

I decided to make her requested chocolate pudding from scratch, since it's easy enough to make, and cheaper that way. The only way to make homemade pudding pass muster though is for me to add sugar so it got a half cup... can't seem to pass off Stevia sweetened pudding to the crowd.

I'm going to try making gelatin tomorrow with real gelatin and real fruit juice... we'll see how well that goes over... ;)

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


50 Followers, nice round number. ;)

I visited with a therapist yesterday, talked about some of the my life; my divorce, Sam. She mentioned how a divorce is a loss of identity, that made me tear up.

It seems like life's all about knowing who you are. That's hard when your identity is tied up with a certain set of circumstances and ideals, when they change it's easy to get off kilter.

For a long time I was a student, I was a MOM... I'm still a Mom but it's different somehow, now that the kids are older. My youngest still makes me feel like a Mommy, but the older ones... sometimes I wonder what I mean to them now. I wonder if my Mom feels the same way?

I was watching "This Old House" while working on contracts the other day, somehow it helped me feel better. Sione's been watching "Full House." It's weird to see the episodes, so familiar, yet different.

HOW can I get started writing then end up wasting 40 min on Facebook... stupid fb... ;)

Anyway, it's late... Goodnight blogger

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Heart Thoughts

I don't know why so much of my life is lived in a rather singular minded fashion. Force myself awake and to work. Clean, get things done... off to bed. A heart impervious, maybe even closed to the shared humanity around me.

The rat race. Someone described it today in church, the aching to get out of school to get on with life. Well life is what is happening now, life is the sore limbs, the headaches, pushing and striving towards a goal just out of reach.

Life is happening under our feet. Bugs busily gathering food, worms up for some breathing air getting stuck on the sidewalk. Birds chirping and chasing each other. My cat out jumping and snapping at the passing dragon fly's.

I wish I could hug more people. Just hug them to let them know someone notices their pain, notices that they are gritting their teeth and dealing because that's what they have to do. Ha I try to hug as many people that I can who wont take it in a bad way.

My oldest daughter, she is so brave and caring. I am amazed by her! She's grieving for a friend who passed away recently. He went to the park and hung himself. I don't know why. What can I say to her that could help? There isn't much.

People take their own lives. Who knows why or what could have stopped them.

My friend Joe was knocking me for grabbing leaves while out for a walk the other day. We walk together as part of the Adobe GCC healthy challenge. "What did the tree ever do to me?" well nothing. I have no reply for that except to answer why I like to grab leaves as I pass. There is something in the scent of pine needles, the texture of a maple leaf that reminds me that sitting at a desk all day is only an illusion of reality that I'm forced to live out for the sake of feeding my kids. I wish to capture a peace of the alternate reality before I go back to my desk.

That's why I like plunging my feet into the cold river and squishing my toes in the mud as well. These sensations remind me that the world is wonderful. It is full of wonder and beauty.

My dear cousins have lost their father today. He died in my cousin Yousefs arms. I feel for them, they all loved Uncle very much. I miss them too, don't get to see them nearly enough since they live in California. Thank goodness for facebook! Though I hate the site for many reasons (egocentric living, invasion of privacy, games that people get obsessed with etc...) I do like it for the aspect of connectivity that is hard to maintain in a world which is so spread apart as ours is.

I am going to go make some chicken soup for my little Japanese friend Nozhomi. She left church early today with Tracy (the Japanese girl in our ward who arraigned the home stays) as she caught a cold from gallivanting on the mountain yesterday in the rain (go figure).

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Grasping At Peace

I don't have a lot of time, or money. I have lots of thoughts though.

It would be easy to live a superficial life. Buy stuff, clothing, jewelry, car and a nice home... sometimes I want to do that buy stuff... look good. It's not sustainable though.

In this day and age people often seem to be devoid of humility. The great goal is to look better/be better than everyone else. I don't like the game... it's easy to get dragged into though, easy to think that you're not good enough if you don't have enough...

I thought my Grandparents were rich; they had a nice home and car, plus Grandma always looked well dressed. Grandma was smart in what she bought to wear, she always looked nice because she took good care of her clothing... I'm trying to get to a point where I can buy some nice things to keep nice...

I'm following the Paleo diet out of necessity.... it's been expensive and somewhat alienating. There are very few people that I know of who follow the diet. It is hard to be so strict with what I eat, but it is a line in the sand. I ABSOLUTELY know that if I eat something that is bad for me I will feel sick. It has been a process of gradually backing away from what is artificial and popular in order to be well.

Artificial and Popular

I wish I could fill my life with all that is real and wholesome and good. Somehow to me the things that fill our modern life are not fulfilling. I look at all the stuff and think "meh!" it's not good enough for me. I want real stuff, real! I'm so sick of all that is fake and phony.

Well.... anyway. Enough random thoughts.

We've had two beautiful Japanese girls living with us for the past week. They are so sincere and real! :)

I love them. They are so complementary, they try all the food I give them to try and say it tastes good... NICE

We've done quite a few things with them. It's been nice, my family has gotten in this rut where I work and the kids hang out at Grandmas and we never get together and have fun.

Last week we went for a drive through the Alpine Loop. This Saturday we hiked up to Timp Cave. One thing that I can't help noticing, the clarity of mind that I have now. I was SO trapped in a foggy world when I ate crappy food. Now it is a clear head that looks out through these eyes. It doesn't make everything better, but it makes a great deal of my life better.

The hike up the mountain was cold, wet and windy. The cave was beautiful, so many interesting formations. The hike down the mountain was wonderful. I like to feel the texture of things. The rocks, the trees. I love the intricacy of the mosses that grow like fireworks bursting forth from the ground. Rain is sometimes discouraging but the air after a good rain is fresh, especially up in the mountains. There was one moment when I was separate from everyone else that I looked out over the expanse and a cool spicy breeze filled my lungs. That was a moment of clarity. One moment of elusive peace. I need to visit the mountains more often...

Perhaps I can talk someone into visiting the lake with me soon... ;) A Japanese girl or two? That would be fun...

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I am inspired!

My Little One's Grow Up Too Soon

Time, every single day that passes takes and brings something to my life. My little girl is not longer acting babyish... not much anyway. I miss my little darling. I want her back.

I'm so angry!!

I'm not away from home out of some selfish desire to keep up with the neighbors. I'm working to try to help/support my family.

My children are growing up without me.

But I don't know what else to do, I can't stop working. :(

A poem to my children:

Sweet little spirits

My Angels

I hold you so dear

Sing you lullabys

We sing songs together

I hold you and you cling to me

My babies

Then you no longer cling

You no longer wish to sing

I carry you sleeping

and lay you to sleep

knowing that tomorrow

You will awaken

A child

A teen

An adult

Will you love me still

I always will

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Family Reunion 2012

Our family reunion...

Every year we go up to Ophir this once booming mining town, now ghost town/vacation spot... my parents have been bringing me up since I was a little girl.

It used to be that my grandparents & parents would plan things, Grandma & my Mom would interface with the family and pack up the motor home. Grandpa and my Dad would get the motor home tuned up, water the yard, and do other miscellaneous tasks. Then we would all pack into the motor home and ride up to the reunion together.

On the way my grandma would keep us entertained by asking us to count sheep, horses, cows, etc... plus she would play games with us and tell us stories. My Mom or Dad would drive a secondary vehicle and we would get up to the reunion without too much fuss or problems.

The planning genes have fizzled away...

After my Grandparents passed on my parents made a good effort. They started fixing up the motor home which needed to be renovated and we got a couple of years use out of it... and now it sits idly on the back patio along with a camping trailer that we also used once upon a time.

This year the only trailer available was my little utility trailer. I bought it for $300 dollars from a guy who was selling it on the side of the road. I was planning on fixing it up a bit since the construction of it wasn't completely sound but I've never had time to get around to doing any thing with it.

So Thursday night my Dad came and got the trailer, he said he needed to check out the lights the next day to see if they were working. I got the kids to pack their things and let them sleep over at Grandmas house.

Friday I got off work and ran over to Lub Docs to get the oil changed in my Yukon. I had packed before work but had forgotten some things so ran home to get them. I took a shower because it was hot (and the Yukon has neither the capability of heat in the winter nor air conditioning in the Summer) and packed some more. Then I went to help out and got stuck with the 3 little girls of the family and Sione as traveling buddies.

No one had fed them dinner so I cut up some hunks of cheese and gave them some apples, cheese and water figuring that we would give them something to eat when we got up to the campground.

Then I took off, I had left my family in what I thought was a state of readiness so assumed they would be there before me.

When I got up there, at 10:00ish at night, I found that my family had not arrived. I let the kids play around for a bit and then decided to go down the mountain to see if I could get a signal on my phone. It kept giving me a message that it was "Roaming" and wouldn't call out so I took off to Tooele to get some food for the kids. Unfortunately one of the little girls, Arisa, needs gluten free food so I had to go to the only open grocery store in town, Wal-Mart, to search for something suitable. That was much the oxymoron, suitable food at Wal-Mart.

The girls were on a night time, up to late, naughty streak and kept running around the store grabbing things and generally getting in peoples way. My son Sione got sick of it and started complaining about the little girls. We finally found some cheese and lunch meats (that weren't toooo bad) and some grapes as well. I bought the food and told the girls to go wash up in the bathroom and washed up the grapes as best I could by squirting water on them from the water fountain. I went into the bathroom to find my daughter had climbed up on top of the bathroom stalls. I got her down and spanked her, then made her clean her hands again.

Finally my mom got a hold of me by calling from the satellite phone in the car. They had finally made it to camp, delayed because the lights on my trailer had been messed up and my Dad had a hard time getting them to work.

It was about 12:30 AM when I got back to camp and helped to unpack. My Dad kept shushing us and making occasional comments about how we were like Gypsies. Things finally got set up, I got my kids to bed and then washed up in the little wash house on the property. I ended up sleeping on a flat air-mattress sandwiched between my moms blown up air mattress on one side and my daughter on the other. Sione was right next to her and both Sione and Roxie were snoring like chainsaws. The ground was rocky, I was sore all over... but I lived.

Last night wasn't quite so bad... but I'm still very tired from hustling this morning to break camp. My Dad was off chatting things up until the last minute and then came and complained that we weren't taking down the tents... we were not happy with that... :(

I am frustrated with my family. I'm frustrated.

My mom is getting a lot more feeble than she will admit to and I'm worried about the fact that the only trailer we had available was my little bitty thing. Ironically it has come apart in some places on top and needed a quick patch job with some sheet metal.

I am VERY grateful to have been hired on full time with Adobe. I will finally have benefits, I can finally join a gym (Adobe will pay for it) and I will be able to see a doctor about my right shoulder, it's been aching for quite some time now.

I wish that I could buy a nice camping trailer but I plan on saving as much as possible for my own security.

Otherwise I had a nice time at the reunion. I relaxed in the tent yesterday until late and ate the wholesome foods that I brought up which has allowed me to keep a clear head.

The boys went on a hike and brought back some milk crystal and we had a nice discussion about the mines around the area.

We also had a good discussion about what I've learned about investing and finance, though I'm probably the only one who's going to benefit from my research.

It was overall a good time to bond with my family.

Next year I will at least have the ability to ask for the day off on the Friday before the reunion. Hopefully we will all be a lot better situated as well...

I'm tired... off to wash off the campiness.

Friday, June 22, 2012

A Woman

Wordless glances

Deep connection


My hand should be grasped

Silent communication received

Burden me not

I am meant to be held


The beat of your heart

A gem so immeasurable

A part of your soul



No common place thing

A woman


Tuesday, June 19, 2012


This morning during my sleepy contemplations I was thinking about my lovely little girl. Tonight, I plan on making dinner and then pulling out the buckets in the hallway (that are way up high) with the kids toys and sitting in the living room with her to play.

I plan on walking down the trail to feed the ducks, sticking my feet into the shivering water and holding my little princesses hand as she does so as well...

Life went, from blurry yesterdays to lonely and silent today's in a blink. Yesterday Angie was just coming out of Headstart, I was rushing to take a picture of Sione in his blessing clothes before he grew out of them on a hot and busy day. Yesterday, I was jumping out the window with my kids into the swimming pool in the back... I was still a kid.

I studied hard, read and re-read the textbooks of my collegiate days while my children played at my feet and asked for sandwiches and hugs. Yesterday I cried because they were growing, I carried them and cuddled them, and cried.

I've always been working towards some indefinable goal of freedom, some tangible relief from struggling for a moment to spend with my kids. To spend as myself.

Tonight, I'm going to play. I'm going to sing nursery rhymes and hold hands with my daughter and fall down in laughter with her. Tonight.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Weekend Blues

For some reason weekends can be quite draining on me. I don't have much enthusiasm for facing a day of coaxing the kids into some cooperation in cleaning the house, chauffeuring them around to grandmas house, work, and other activities.... and then basically spending the day alone. That should be a luxury, it's not.

I feel sad that I get so sad.

Today turned out alright though, I got my Honda back from the shop (it has been broken since last October, brought to the shop a few weeks ago and then to the Honda dealer because there was some mysterious something that wouldn't let it run for more than 5 min.).

Plus, I made ice-cream with the kids. They were super enthusiastic! Each of them helped to add ingredients to the batter, each got a turn stirring it, then each took their turn cranking the handle. :)

We had a blast!

I bought raw milk, premium vanilla flecks and Stevia to sweeten w/o the use of sugar. :)

It turned out OK, a bit too soft because we got a bit impatient... but it's in the freezer now (whats left that is).

I'm sad still. I don't know why.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Friday, June 8, 2012


Oh joy, I printed out Dr. Mercolas E-Books. After the first million pages I really should have turned off the printer.

Today is a big day. I'm interviewing for a position in the Adobe A/R department. I'm feeling confident, I can do the work it's right up my ally, my favorite type of work though is what I'm doing right now... process organization.

We shall see what happens... ;)

Friday, May 25, 2012

Thoughts on My Best Efforts

I've observed that when people come under stress that they will often look for others to blame. I believe it is a self ego defense mechanism. Placing blame however deflects from the root cause of the stress, which to me is the fact that we live in a state of uncertainty. A lot of that uncertainty stems from the choices that other people make, willingly or ignorantly.

A part of my character is a tendency to want to see the whole before focusing on the minute details, I love "Where's Waldo" books for that reason. With each new scenario open before you is a large colorful cacophony of chaos. Waldo can be placed anywhere among the chaos, hiding among the pyramids of Egypt, or on a busy street, waiting to be found. For me the satisfaction of the game is being able to tame the chaos, section it off in my mind, focus on the details (glasses, hat and shirt) and the thrill of finally finding Waldo.

I want to see the whole. If someone tells me to find Waldo in 5 minutes I panic, the fun becomes stress. That is basically the situation at work.

I know that I will be able to make things neat, understand what needs to be done to improve things, get the work done. Other people have set expectations however that we should have these company hierarchies done, NOW. I chafe at that attitude. Yet I realize that it is the corporate attitude. They want to be able to set up something (or have it set up) to where they can press a button and it will run through at a set speed until it's finished, measurable, reliable, accurate. At the end of the day, I am putting in my best.

Putting in my best, for who?

At some point I want my best to be directed to my good. My good, my goals, my dreams.

More thoughts on this later... it's getting late.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Weird Stuff

WOW things have been weird for me lately or have they been the same? More of the same I guess.

Sam has been in Hawaii for the past 2 Months. He visited this weekend, the same weekend my Mom planned a family trip to Lagoon.

Since he was only going to be here for the weekend (and thus would miss out on having time with the kids) I suggested he join us.

Everything went alright, he took charge of keeping Sione entertained. I helped my parents with the little girls (my daughter and my brothers daughters, all around the same age).

The next day, he decided to bring the kids up to Bridal Vale Falls to ride their bikes. After trying to figure out the new bike rack that I bought for my Honda (which doesn't fit the Yukon) and then searching for bike racks on Craig's List to fit the Yukon (because I refused to let him try forcing my rack to the Yukon) I finally convinced him to use the trailer that I bought for $300 dollars that was already sitting out side. I came along because I needed to get out of the house and on the way up he yelled at Sione for crying and told him "only fagots cry like that." I told Sam to apologize because that was uncalled for.

Later on I asked him to help me cut up some beef bones to make some good stock from. I was also helping him with his bankruptcy paperwork. My fiance called me and when I hung up with him Sam told me that he didn't think I was still talking to Ajey. He then asked me if things were going to work out. I was a bit taken aback but not too surprised that he was asking me these questions. 1 because Ajey isn't here yet and 2 because Sam is always trying to push the limits with me. He then told me that his friends keep telling him that he needs to move on and that he doesn't think the kids would be happy because he wouldn't be able to be the same with them anymore. That he wouldn't send money for their needs like he does now and wouldn't be able to spend time with them. More or less in those words.

Then he showed me a picture of some girl who wants to marry him. She's a teacher and has a son and apparently Sam's exactly what she's been looking for. I rolled my eyes at this.

On the way to pick up the kids from my moms house he brought the topic up again, told me that he regrets all the stupid stuff that he did, starting from our honeymoon. He was talking about the financial needs of the kids, how Koli is going on a mission in a few years and then Angie. He brought up that he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want another financial burden. I asked him if the girl who wanted to marry him knew about the things that he's done. He said "No, but she can check the internet. I told her there's stuff in my past, but she said she doesn't care about the past."


Girls are so stupid, when guys say there is stuff in my past a lot of times it's really, really bad stuff.

I just got out of the car and went in the house (my Dad had brought the kids home so we had turned around and gone home during this discussion).

The next day I dropped Sam off at the airport. On the way up there he had this backwards conversation with a friend of his cousin. "You're my sister, yeah. Hone (his cousin) is my sister so now you're my sister because your her friend and friends don't date their brothers."

Another chance to point out that he has girls who want to date him.

Well I'm thrilled for him right? Actually more scared that he's going to marry some other girl and will ruin her life. Plus somehow, somehow his mess could come in to my life and effect it.

Lesson learned for me (again) the less I talk to Sam the better.

Second weird thing, long distance relationships. Enough said.

Well, I'm done at work. Just wanted to blog a bit.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

Scarlet Pimpernel

I've only heard bits and pieces about the Scarlet Pimpernel, my friend Sorina says it's her favorite play. Here are a coupld of the songs she mentioned to me along with a Wiki link about the work.


Where's the Girl

Falcon in the Dive

Saturday, May 5, 2012

From Les Mes!

Learn this: joy is not only joyous; it is great.

But be in love gayly then, what the deuce! Marry, when you marry, with fever and giddiness, and tumult, and the uproar of happiness! Be grave in church, well and good.

But, as soon as the mass is finished, sarpejou! you must make a dream whirl around the bride. A marriage should be royal and chimerical; it should promenade its ceremony from the cathedral of Rheims to the pagoda of Chanteloup.

I have a horror of a paltry wedding. Ventregoulette! be in Olympus for that one day, at least. Be one of the gods.

My friends, every recently made bridegroom ought to be Prince Aldobrandini. Profit by that unique minute in life to soar away to the empyrean with the swans and the eagles, even if you do have to fall back on the morrow into the bourgeoisie of the frogs.

Don't economize on the nuptials, do not prune them of their splendors; don't scrimp on the day when you beam. The wedding is not the housekeeping. Oh! If I were to carry out my fancy, it would be gallant; violins would be heard under the trees.

Here is my programme: sky−blue and silver. I would mingle with the festival the rural divinities; I would convoke the Dryads and the Nereids. The nuptials of Amphitrite, a rosy cloud, nymphs with well dressed locks and entirely naked, an Academician offering quatrains to the goddess, a chariot drawn by marine monsters.

"Triton trottait devant, et tirait de sa conque Des sons si ravissants qu'il ravissait quiconque!"[65]
−−there's a festive programme, there's a good one, or else I know nothing of such matters, deuce take it!"

"Triton trotted on before, and drew from his conch−shell sounds so ravishing that he delighted

The night of the 16th to the 17th of February, 1833, was a blessed night. Above its shadows heaven stood open. It was the wedding night of Marius and Cosette.
The day had been adorable.
It had not been the grand festival dreamed by the grandfather, a fairy spectacle, with a confusion of cherubim and Cupids over the heads of the bridal pair, a marriage worthy to form the subject of a painting to be placed over a door; but it had been sweet and smiling.

Yesterdays Gone

Today's 3.5 hour day (the remaining amount needed for 40 hours) has turned into a full day, from 11:00 AM to almost 11:00 PM!!

Sometimes I really dislike being the one in charge...

My position here at Adobe is a bit tentative... supposedly it could become permanent, I could soon be leading a team of 3 at the Orem office and off to train a team of x number temps in India. OR I could be leading a larger team in Orem and then a team in India... It all depends upon the terms that my manager is able to get from her boss.

The issues for me are slightly more complicated. The system we started out using has proven to be a big hindrance in some ways, though useful in some ways...

My dilemmas, well... I feel like I need to be the one to make this all work. I keep trying and trying to get this process smoothed out and set right but it seems that dilemmas keep creeping in. Today I discovered that if we don't review everything that we've loaded into the system, we could potentially have multiple parents in our files that we don't know about (multiple parents for 1 customer record). What that means is more time sorting through 1 company; we have hundreds of companies to get through!

I really want to write up scenarios behind all of the issues we are facing as a team so that I can explain them to the broader team but I am finding that my time is being eaten away by trying to fix the issues that are cropping up within my own files. The broader IT team in general has no idea what our process is now which needs to be amended before they will be able to understand how to help us.

One thing that is a big hindrance to me is my communication skills. At some points of time I am quite apt at communication, at others (around certain times of the month) I am TERRIBLE I just can't concentrate when a sea of raging hormones starts dancing around in my body, it is so frustrating!

It helps when my friend Robert is on the ball; he's a fairly good communicator, my IT contact that has helped me to create the current process our team is using. He created macros to use wild cards to search for the data we need to evaluate. Robert can talk a lot, and he interrupts me at times during meetings, but I forgive him because he usually interrupts with points that I am missing. He's been in the corporate world longer than I have and understands the business better. I am sometimes narrow minded as to why the issues we are facing should matter to the larger business community. My point is that these problems irritate me and the team and then that they hinder us from accomplishing our goals. He usually stays focused on the big picture of accomplishing this extremely important goal of hierarchy creation (at least that's the whole point of many peoples jobs here). I'm starting to get it now, but I wish I didn't have to go through this painful adaptation process where I stumble around and look quite foolish trying to explain things.

Robert is the most professional guy that I've ever worked with, straightforward, very respectful, very encouraging. He tells me that I'm a superstar and thanks everyone very sincerely when we are in meetings for their participation and for the good job we all do. Such good manners, I really like him.

Other members of the team are my good friends. They contribute quite a bit to our goals, I really appreciate them... but then it seems that I'm the one that identifies issues that need fixed, and it's hard for me to stay on top of team training when I'm working on everything else.

In any case, this has been the perfect job for me. I might sound like I'm complaining but I'm not, I LOVE developing processes, making things work, smoothing things out.


I will feel relived if/when my job becomes permanent. I will get health insurance, paid vacation time, paid holidays! YAY!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Lovely Day :)

Several lovely things happened today. I'm listening to some delightfully done audio books while working through some files and participated in a call with the sales team which highlighted some of the benefits of the process I've helped to develop.

"The Hobbit!" I love the way the reader of the book modified his speach to match who was talking, it made it very enjoyable to listen to.

Now "The Lord of The Rings" it's so delightfully done, here is a link to the You Tube series that I've been listening to

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Nice Sunday Afternoon

Today has been a nice day, relaxing. It has been a bit cold and rainy outside as of late so it's nice that today has been fair and clear. I've had a nice long nap... :)

Friday and Saturday were a wash for me as I spent them putting in some extra hours at work. Basically matching up data that will make our process run smoother in the future. I'm not yet sure if it was worth it.

My manager is coming on Tuesday from San Jose. Her boss will be here as well and our whole team gets to meet her. This should be interesting...

My manager wants everyone to tell about the different ways that they have contributed to the team. For the most part everyone on the team has had special assignments, all except one team member. She is going through a tough time at the moment, a nasty divorce and breast cancer. So I've not assigned much to her, just basic duties. She was the first one to try out the new process that Robert and I developed though, she's taken off with it and cranked out a bunch of hierarchies. My worry is that she's not careful in what she does, she could potentially have a lot to do in backtracking during the validation phase that I've just worked out.

All will work out though.

I've decided to join the vast masses who have read "The Hunger Games," I just started reading it. if I didn't have other demands on my time I would read it straight through, the dystopian setting is very intriguing. The main character Katniss is quite appealing, strongly attached to her little sister, upset at her mother for having "checked out" after her fathers death. Also an excellent hunter, someone who could hopefully last through the murderous "Hunger Games."

In fact, I'm off to read a bit more...


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Feels Like Today - Almost Every Day (Until I blink)

What has life really been like lately? It's hard to convey that through the written word. I'm constantly looking to improve my world, sometimes that keeps me going on a treadmill because it's never going to be "enough." I realize that but it doesn't stop me from the continual process of improvement. I guess that's OK at least it means that I have something to think about each day.

Some of the things I'm most proud of recently are from my efforts at work. My temp contract "might" be (probably will be) extended until December. Ironically we (the team and I) never really accomplished the goals that were originally set out for us. However, through observation and effort we've found ways to get to the core of what the company really wants. In fact this has mostly come about from a suggestion that my manager made to change our focus from "enriching entities" which are a subset of each company we are working on to focusing on the entire company, creating a complete picture of that company.

Here is where my incredibly irksome habits/tendencies have actually been beneficial for someone (including me). What I mean is that I am detail oriented to pain points at times. That and I have the ability to see a big picture, or direction where others see chaos. So I took the task in hand of creating an entirely new process and kept at it, kept asking questions, asking for tools... all with this framework of what I knew we needed and eventually (just recently) a member of the IT team has assigned himself to work with me (because our project effects his year end project) and we now have (thanks to his brilliance with writing VBA code) an all encompassing process which is efficient, accurate and comprehensive.

As to the staying on for another 6 months... I'm debating it actually, the pay is good... but as a temp I don't receive benefits so making a good pay is a liability to me as far as benefits go (Medicaid). Soooo.... to stay or to leave, that is the question.

As far as other things in my life. I'm progressively healing (I hope) my digestive system. I'm (trying to) follow the GAPS Diet. I've followed similar dietary strictures for a while now so it's not that hard to adapt to the diet. My weakness is Chocolate sweetened with malitol.... theoretically I shouldn't be eating it. Otherwise I'm eating lots of Chicken Soup (with out rice or noodles) and trying to follow the introduction diet, but it's hard. (I don't have a lot of time to prepare food and/or study up on what I should be eating and/or planning meals) so I'm having a hard time. I wish someone could do the planning for me, I'm so busy...

One really good thing is that my Ex-Husband is working in Hawaii. That means he's not around as much to disturb my relationship with my kids. The bad thing is that I don't have the time like I said to plan like I should so that they get a variety of different meals. They're lucky to get what they do get... They feel deprived so when Sam comes around and takes them out to fast food restaurants and etc... they love it! I don't know what to do about that, I'll just keep trying my best.

Today's been a bit tough, I was tired at work so I  came home to take a nap and finished out the workday from home. It's late now, and I've gotta go pick up my little one... so I'm off.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Avalanche, Weariness

I didn't sleep well last night, something kept me awake though I didn't feel any particular urgency about anything, just restlessness. This morning I awoke to 60+ MPH winds outside, I got up and shut the window and then attempted to sleep a bit more.

I dutifully got up and dressed, then drove away attempting to get to work. I dropped off Little R and got a few blocks in the direction of work when I decided to turn around as I was too tired to keep going.

So I came back home, informed my boss that I was too tired to come into work and attempted to sleep (again). I got a bit of rest, not the deep restorative kind, but a light kind of rest, then fired up the computer to work a bit from home.

So that's been my day, attempting sleep, bleary eyed work and some stumbling here and there, cleaning this and that.

In theory I should get to bed early so that I can wake up early, get done with work (early) then come home in order to take care of my kids...

Usually it's the other way around, go to bed late, wake up late, get to work late, come home late, get dinner made (late) then on and on ad nauseum....

Whenever I try to change that pattern something or other occurs to set me back. Either I can't sleep well, or I get sick or the kids keep me up, or I stay up trying to catch up in order to be ready for the next day.


I am starting to get better at some aspects of life, but others are still... challenging...

One interesting thing that I'm going to try out this year is the idea of a garden that is more like what God does out in nature, a simple concept where you keep adding wood chips (from tree trimmers) to a garden plot and the chips retain moisture and keep weeds out. The layers build up over time, the lower layers breaking down and becoming rich fertile soil, the new layers making a pleasant surface to work from and plant into.

There's a film online called "Back to Eden Film" that describes all about the method, it's a beautiful thing. :)

Sometimes the simplest methods work the best.

Poem About Weariness

If I close my eyes, am I closer to God? Is my spirit in a different realm? Am I safe?

If I focus on today, can I forget the follies of yesterday? Can I forget those stupid mistakes, if I no longer see the suffering they've caused? Or shudder from embarrassment from my mistakes.

If you forgive me, is my conscience clear? Especially when forever I know the duplicity of my behavior in the past.

Is torture any less cruel when it is inflicted from within?

If I close my eyes, will this sadness go away?

If I could only get enough sleep... perhaps tomorrow would be full of clarity, less errors.

Between stimulus and action is a choice, chaos is an avalanche of stimulus, a neglect of conscious choices... choices by default... I hate that.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

Some days are of Sunshine, Some are of Rain

Last weekend was full of sunshine, Roxie and I walked to the park on Saturday and on Sunday.

This week has been full of shadows and rain. I've been inside all the day long, making up a few hours of work, watching a few episodes of "Blues Clues" with little Roxie and reading a book on "Power Phrases (basically how to speak up when needed).

I feel slightly dizzy and unwell this week. Part of the "cleansing" process of the body, so it's a good thing, but it means less energy to get things done.

Well this is short, time for bed now. :)

Friday, March 9, 2012

Thoughts - Destressing after work...

Sometimes I have a hard time getting back to what's going on in my life, what is going on? It's hard to say really, most of my life is being defined by this big project at work. If it's going well then I feel good, if it's not then I get frustrated.

Point: This is not my life, and I'm missing out on a lot

I enjoy what I'm doing at work, don't get me wrong, I'm finding a lot of talents that I would like to develop... so that I can keep on working...

I care about so much more than this stuff though. I wish I could work simply for the enjoyment of working and could take off whenever I felt like taking off. That's my ideal, I like to work, but I don't like being tied to it.

I love cooking, especially when I can take the time to really immerse myself in the experience. Half baked projects are no fun... ;)

Today's been hard for me. Last night I slept between a rock and a hard place ie my youngest son and youngest daughter so I haven't been all that with it (I should have stayed in bed). I spent most of the morning here at work reviewing what needed to be said at our meeting at 3:00 PM. I tried to sync up with someone who I'm working with before the meeting so that we could review what needed to be said but he wasn't around. The meeting went on anyway, I tried my best and everyone said I did well but I felt bleh about it because I wasn't prepared (even after all my preparations) and wasn't able to transition smoothly from one topic to another. No matter what anyone says if I don't feel good about my performance than I don't think I did a good job. Well, live and learn, I haven't conducted these corporate type meetings before, I'm just hoping to get better at it quickly.

Speaking of that, getting better at this job stuff... all I can think about lately is that this position is going to end in June and then what?


I would like to get off of this treadmill, but I have to keep going or else I will crash.

Someday, I will be proficient at being a jolly good employee... but my kids will then be adults and on the same treadmill themselves... ironic

I AM happy though, that I've gotten on the treadmill towards better health. I bought a juicing machine, I've gotten all sorts of healthy probiotics, learned how to make coconut kefir, been eating chicken soup every day (to heal my digestive system), learned how to make sauerkraut, how to cook, clean yadda yadda it's a slow process...

I miss having friends, sleeping over, hanging out... I never imagined that life would get this hard as an adult. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner and stay there. I really miss being held, simply being loved, my ex husband didn't know how to do this simple task. To him life is all about SEX.

I miss blogging as well, I've not really been active. Blogging is often a way to define oneself. My definitions are getting blurred.

So I'm stuck on this treadmill. Life is all about work, and raising the kids. LIFE - I am more than this, JOB - I am more than this. KIDS - I am more than what you see.

My kids, I'm trying my best here. I want to be able to pay for everything they need, Dental Bills, Contacts and Glasses, clothing, extracurricular activities, food and housing...

I threw a bunch of money from my tax return at trying to fix things that have been ailing me, like my health, and my inability to get a good nights rest... I bought a new bed and bedding, cost me bunches of money, I feel guilty about spending it on bedding when I could have kept it in the bank for a rainy day (or paid off my credit card) but sometimes decisions are based upon emotion and my emotions have been up against my bed because I was waking up with back aches every night. I do feel my health improving from following this strict diet, I like that, but I wish that I could already know all this stuff I'm learning so that the process could be made easier for my kids. I wish I could make them treats without feeling guilty about feeding their sugar habits...

I'll figure it out I guess but needless to say, Mom's not the most popular person around. I want to buy the kids stuff, take them places but I reach my limit and can't go any further.

Blogging/Journaling seems to fulfill my big need to vent. I wish that my happy button was turned on though, I sometimes feel stuck in "Things are not good enough" mode when I know there are many things in life that are beautiful and wonderful. Like listening to music on the way to work, it has been mostly classical music lately, filling some yen I have for it I guess. I love looking out over the mountains, looking around and seeing the crisp contrast between the skyline and the mountain peaks. I love interacting with my fellow "Data Stewards" and growing in my ability to speak my mind, to be heard, to be respected... plus they are good friends as well. I listen to books sometimes at work, I finished the extended version of Les Mes, that took a lot of patience as there were many back ground scenes about French History, the French Revolution, Napoleon, even the French Sewer System. I also listened to "A Tale of Two Cities." I've read it before and really enjoyed the flow of it from that perspective (quick paced and unexpected), listening to it was different. I have also listened to some of "Bullfinches Mythology" a lot of it was wasted on me though as I couldn't follow the story lines at times.

I want to learn French, in fact I've got several tools on my desk (tapes, cds and a dictionary). Learning a language though requires more attention than listening to a book.

Clothing! I would really like a new wardrobe... I keep holding off and holding off because my money is always spent in other ways... :(

My ex is supposed to send me some money today, I need to pay off my credit card, dental bills and a personal loan...

Maybe I will buy some clothes anyway, I really need some

Well... I'm going to go home

Monday, February 20, 2012

Recovering - The Price of Devotion to a Job

This past week has been a tough one, I stayed up until 2 am on Tuesday night trying to compile the varying reports that I received from the different members of the team in order to give it to IT for analysis. Then Wednesday I started feeling sick, but I went in and plugged on to be rewarded with a dramatic conference call with IT, Robert (my now ally) insisting that I not sign off on the testing we were doing until I was satisfied with the results and then the assertion that really I couldn't verify the results because the data had become obscured by a circular reference error. So I had the girl who worked on the file with the error go in and fix it, then IT ran an emergency load of the tables (which, none would admit to having sanctioned fully, but they did it none the less). That night after getting the go ahead that all had ran I stayed up until 1:30 am COPYING the data from the tool that we use, yes copying the data because the myopic programmers of the system didn't thing we would need to export that particular type of data.

I went in to work the next day, was on time, identified bugs for IT to work on, yadda yadda all of this has made me quite ill for the past week. Partially the illness could be considered a "Cleanse" from the standpoint of the diet that I've taken up to do just that during the past month. It feels like Strep Throat, my old nemisis, I've fought this foe many times in the past usually taking Antibiotics to stave it off... now with the idea that antibiotics destroy the good and the bad bactiria in the gut and that illness/cleansing is a normal part of the life cycle... I'm fighting this yucky bug with lots of rest, chicken soup and green juices... which seem to be working for the most part until I decide that I want to buy blanched almond flour and Dr. Bronners Sals Suds on-line for whatever the cheapest price is that I may find... ironic that I spent all the money from my tax return on kids braces, an oboe, other dental bills and several things that I really need/wanted (like a juicer, bed frame, etc...) now I'm back to scrimping and the windfall felt like a breeze through the desert.


I love run on sentences when I'm blogging, especially at 1 in the MORNING! Yikes! Oh good, blogger makes spelling error notifications disappear if you move on too much, guess that means that my spelling works for everything....

I'm trying to make life work, figure it out, not be dependent on big Pharma and big Government

I wish I could own a bit of land, a nice little house, have chickens, a little garden...

Well I'm going to go sleep now, this sleeping all day and staying up late is getting to me.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

All in my head?

I'm reading a book titled "Gut and Psychology Syndrome" written by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride MD, MMedSci(neurology), MMedSci(nutrition).

The premise of the author is that the state of health of the gut contributes to and can even be the cause of multiple illnesses, including classic illnesses like Depression, Schizophrenia, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Ulcerative Colitis, Eczema, Chrons Disease, Celiacs Disease, asthma, allergies, ADHD, ADD and Autism, her focus being on Autism.

She describes the anatomy of a healthy gut, several studies done by gastroenterologists and what that means to people who suffer from these diseases. Also what it means to people who are seemingly asymptomatic but who find improved health and immune function after following the diet she outlines in her book. 

Without going into too much detail, people with abnormal gut flora, such as Bifidobacteria, Lactobacteria, Propionobacteria, physiological strains of E.Coli, Peptostreptococci and Enterococci, have guts susceptible to attack by "Opportunistic Flora," such as Bacteroids, Petococci, Staphylococci, Streptococci, Bacilli, Clostridia, Yeasts, Enterobacteria (Proteus, Clebsielli, Citrobacteria, etc.), Fuzobacteria, Eubacteria, Catenobacteria, and many others. 

"In a healthy person their numbers are limited and are tightly controlled by the beneficial flora. Each of these microbes is capable of causing various health problems if they get out of control."

What this means is that the Opportunistic Flora can cause inflammation of the lining in the gut, and this inflammation triggers an immune response by the lymph nodes causing them release a lot of lymphocytes to fight the infection.

One of the signs that the gut isn't functioning properly is that of digestive problems, sometimes quite severe. Colic, bloating, flatulence, diarrhea, constipation, feeding difficulties and malnourishment, all to various degrees. Many people with intestinal issues also have fussy eating habits, refusing a whole lot of foodstuffs and limiting their diet to a handful of foods, usually starchy and sweet : breakfast cereals, chips, popcorn, cakes, cookies, sweets, bananas, bread, rice, sweet yogurts, ice cream etc. Most of the children Dr. Campbell-McBride has studied refuse to eat vegetables, fruit (apart from bananas), meats, fish and eggs. About 60-70% of the autistic children she has seen in her clinic have extremely limited diets.

Although the connection between gut inflammation and autism is well established the studies done on this subject became subject to a lot of controversy when the gasteroenterologist Dr. Wakefield and his team decided to see whether or not the MMR vaccine had anything to do with the inflammation of the lymph nodes. Suspecting that it might be the measles virus, (Dr. Wakefield) involved a well-known virolohist Dr John O' Leary, a professor of pathology form Dublin. Sure enough Dr. O'Leary found the same measles virus used in the MMR vaccine in the ileal lymph nods of the autistic children (in Dr. Wakefields study). This caused vigorous resistance from government and the medical establishment which distacted attention from the main issue.

At this point I would like to stop in my discussion of this book. At some point the description of the pain that the children Dr. Campbell-McBride has seen in her clinic brought to mind my own pain as I was growing up. I have the ability to communicate, a lot of autistic children cannot communicate very well, their pain causes them to scream in pain at times, to act up at times, to push there belly's against hard surfaces to relieve the pressure.

I have done just that, lain on the hard edge of that couch and rocked back and forth to relieve the pain in my stomach. As a child I remember lying on the couch at dinner time and complaining about my stomach hurting, I felt so helpless, my parents thought I was being difficult. I used to walk home from school, burping along the way with a noxious sulfuric gas coming up. I remember hanging on the door knob of the bathroom door and sitting on the toilet bent over in pain. I remember having really hard stools that sometimes I wouldn't pass a stool for days and it would really hurt and sometimes having diarrhea that would burn my bottom. I remember going for shots before Kindergarten and then sitting in the car afterwords pressing my forehead against the seat belt to soothe the dizziness and throbbing headache that I had. I remember having a hard time knowing what to do with my arms as I walked I felt awkward, unsteady, I liked to have a wall or hand rail to cling to. I had a great deal of depression, I spent the most part of my freshman and senior year at high school walking home falling into an exhausted black sleep and/or crying. Not to mention the many years before that as a child with depression, I cried almost every night that I didn't get how to make friends, that no one liked me, that I felt sick.

If ONLY someone would have known about the diet presented in this book at that time. I would have been healed! My childhood would have been happier and easier.

IF ONLY someone would have known about this diet and had put me and my brothers and my sister on it! Instead of medication, HEALING!! My STARS my brothers! My poor brother Jonathan could have had a more normal life. NO Autism!! IMAGINE? He would be married now, he would have a life!! Evan, he wouldn't have been hopped up on Ritalin! My sister Kelsey has had the pickiest diet that I know of, she had continually complained about stomach problems, has missed school and been in pain. 

I, am going to go on this diet.

After the stomach and intestines are healed I will be able to eat a lot more grains and spices than I can now, and I will have less sensitivity to other foods.

I know, and have always known that people are resistant to change, I wish I could get my family to try this out, even my children... but I cannot force them to hear what they don't want to hear. It is like when God had Moses make a fiery serpent and set it upon a pole. If anyone was bitten by a snake they could "Look upon it and live." But what about those who did not believe? They would refuse to look and would thus die.

I think that faith as a whole involves looking beyond what is seemingly obvious, and looking to that which you have NOT heard before, or read before... thinking about and considering what other people have to say. LOOK and LIVE, and then ACT.