Friday, September 12, 2014


This weeks been rough. Except for Wednesday, that was a good day. Mostly it's been a bunch of fatigue, random horrible headaches, swollen and achy body parts.

I gave blood at my sons blood drive for his Eagle Scout project and I think that exacerbated my condition.

Today I woke up with a sore throat but felt OK enough to go into work (I thought maybe it was a dry throat).  Throughout the day I was able to work OK, able to concentrate, but gradually falling into a deeper fatigue. I knew I had strep. So I told my manager I was sick and went up to the doctors, they confirmed it. They called in a prescription for antibiotics... but I'm stubborn and stopped by Real Foods instead to pick up healing foods and herbs. I think it's going to work. I'm going to bed now to help the process along.


What I wanted to do though was relive a memory. Maybe tomorrow. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Little Growing Pains

Growing up I was a lonely little girl. I never had many friends,  I ached for friends and empathized with outsiders. I cried at night feeling that others had friends why not I? I felt that the world was unjust and unfair. Now I see that we all walk in loneliness and longing... all of our hearts break at one point or another. I'm an outsider, looking in. Looking back I see that I've gained strength and empathy. I am resilient. Sad at times,  longing for understanding. But not afraid to walk an uncertain path. Brave enough to trust in the knowledge gained from silent observations. Brave enough to change my mind.

Sunday, August 17, 2014


This morning I forced myself out of bed and went on a walk knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to shower when I got back because out tub is all plugged up. Time to call a plumber.

I'm glad I went on a walk though because it gave me time to contemplate. What do I really want out of a relationship? Even if I have what I want before me can I accept it?

We live in a time of many possibilities. We have so many choices, sometimes it's hard to decide what choice to make.

Yesterday I went to the UVU MBA retreat up in Heber City. It was a good experience and I did "bond" with my team. Enough so that I feel comforted in what the future looks like for the next 2 years as an MBA student.

On my walk I was thinking about the writings of Emerson and Thoreau, both deep thinkers. Has society always consisted of deep thinkers and superficial thinkers? I suppose but I tend to think that the level of thought has decreased to a great degree.

My focus is to get my degree. My attention and concentration is to that point. I should approach each assignment as a chance for great thought. To that end I am off to finish up my online course on finance.


Friday, August 8, 2014

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Levels of consciousness, levels of moral rationality

Some days I feel like I am more aware of myself than other days. For the past week or so I've been fighting off a virus of some sort which has dulled, to a degree, my level of ability to concentrate and my ability to feel emotions (happy, sad, etc.)

In fact throughout my life I have experienced varying states of emotional and cognitive ability. At times it has been incredibly difficult to stay on task and form cognizant statements. I had to rely on a sense of intuition to follow what I found to be working and what did not work.

If you are in a fog, than the way to navigate is to hold on to what other people are doing. It's easier than trying to determine for yourself the direction you should take, what is true and what isn't.

Morality is a given set of principles of conduct, what is considered right and wrong.

"A particular system of values and principles of conduct, especially one held by a specified person or society."

The point is; morality, what is right and wrong, has been debated since man has developed a sense of consciousness.

Morality is subjective. Though people try to define it in absolute terms. In some ways the very subjective nature of morality is perturbing. It is a terrible responsibility to live within a realm of subjective morality and this is partially the reason why many people don't try to develop their own sense of morality. Or at least they don't consciously set out to develop a set of moral guidelines.

To one, who is living with a set of circumstances that limits their cognitive reasoning the only morality they know of is that of an outside set of imposed limits and boundaries.

To another, who is more cognitively aware of the world, their moral code is more refined. Different in many ways from the one who is limited by reasoning ability, different in fact from any other person that they will meet.

This line of reasoning brings to mind the unnerving thought that if morality is not an absolute, than someone who is disinclined to follow the morality of society at large will develop their own sense of morality.

If that person is in fact a sociopath, a psychopath, a narcissist, or in any other way disturbed or mentally different than others their "Moral Code" per se might include things that society deems to be grossly immoral, illegal, and disturbing.

And indeed these facts will mean nothing to these sets of people.

So, in the very act of forming opinions on morality that are outside of the society within which I live, I am forming barriers to acceptance within the society within which I live... and thus am constrained by prudence to modify the amount of deviation from the norm.

I can live in my own moral code as long as my moral code inclines me towards the goals with which I am striving for. If I want to reject the moral norm of this society, I will pay the price of being an outsider, but then there are other places in the world where my morality is not seen as a threat and there I might live in peace. Morally speaking. 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


This morning I hoped out of bed, still tired but unable to sleep so I decided to put my fitbit tracker to use. While on my walk I had positive thoughts running through my head, acceptance, love of nature, love of self. I marvel that I can have such diametrically opposing thoughts weeks apart. Today though my thoughts were about being gentle with myself. If a change needs to be made I need to be gentle but firm. I was thinking about how a river is shaped, water flowing through the landscape etches out a path. It can do so forcefully, in a torrent, or it can do so gently... a little at a time. In the one case, the torrent, a great amount of earth is moved. Displaced. Perhaps this will form a groove so deep that the water following afterwords will keep to that path... but then again after the torrent comes the slow and steady force.

Other thoughts in that vein. Acceptance of self and acceptance of others. There are things within us that we would like to change. Sometimes it is a recognition of a habit we dislike, in today's image biased society it is often some aspect of our appearance we wish to change. What if the thing we want to change is the thing that endears us the most to others?

Some thoughts anyway...

Sunday, April 13, 2014

5 Min. Journal Follow Up. Dairy, good for me? Or no?


“ In order to acquire intellect one must need it. One loses it when it is no longer necessary. ”

— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Follow up

I found a good book on the thyroid and am making a game plan for how to heal my thyroid. I watched a couple of Ted Talks today with a few of the kids. It kind of turned flat... not much response. I need to take a different tack/re-evaluate what I want to watch with them and/or make it a mandatory part of family meetings. Speaking of which I should establish family meetings again.

I haven't taken the kids to the park and I haven't really done anything with them lately. I need to plan activities into my week.

I am grateful for…

1. The wind, it's really windy outside and it reminds me to keep moving.
2. I am grateful that the kids have been cleaning more. It will be better when they know they will get allowance every Saturday and that they can earn extra money by completing extra chores.
3. Beef Pemmican from US Wellness Meats, seriously it's the only thing I've felt like eating today.

What would make today great?

1. If I could get meals prepped for the week.
2. If I make a plan for evaluating and treating my thyroid
3. If I go say hi to my family and give them hugs

Daily affirmations...

I keep my mind healthy and happy and my body follows suit. ~ Louise Hay

How could I have made today better?

In general. I've had an "interesting" day. I had coconut "Creme Brule," it's not very good and I miss dairy. I cut dairy out a few days back trying to see what it's effects on me are... and again I find that my sinuses clear up, but I'm not convinced that cutting dairy out permanently is the right direction to take for optimal health. I get a lot of satisfaction (and satiation) out of eating yogurt and berries and I feel hungry without the dish... it's a simple snack and I miss it. BUT if it is triggering my emotional issues and preventing me from being able to think straight at work I need to keep it out of my diet. BUT I'm hungry!! So I'm going to go to my Paleo books and see if I can plan some meals out for next week to help me overcome this hunger. 


Saturday, April 12, 2014

I can make my life my dream

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.

~Helen Keller

I am grateful for…

1. Having Mandi and Sorina as good friends and that I get to see them at work.
2. Determination
3. The internet as a resource for finding out how to heal

What would make today great?

1. Establishing a routine/expectation with my kids where we watch Ted Talks and discuss them.
2. I need to get out of the house and do a little bit of shopping
3. If I find a great resource/all inclusive book about thyroid disorder to help me know which direction to take.

Daily affirmations; I am…


3 Amazing things that happened today…

1. My Dad came over and helped me by taking a trailer of trash to the dump.
2. I made some yummy curried chicken
3. My kids came home and cleaned! :)

How could I have made today better?

By getting up and dressed and out of the house.

Things to work on…

Plan something to do with the kids today, perhaps take them to "Discovery Park"

Plan out some meals for the rest of the week

Plan out study schedule

Find out how much for:


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Starting my 5 Minute Journal

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.

~Norman Vincent Peale

Today I decided to follow the format for journaling suggested by the authors of "The Five Minute Journal." I don't have $23 dollars to spend on another journal so I will use my blog instead.

I am grateful for…

Today I am grateful that I was able to make it through the workday and catch up on most of my work even though I only got a few hours of good sleep last night.

I am grateful that I have a moment of peace to write because the kids aren't home (they are at my parents house at the moment, sorry Mom).

I am grateful for the sense of optimism that I am feeling at the moment. 

What would make today great?

It would be great to have a nap. 

Then it would be terrific if I could work on my skills for work (which could possibly lead to a raise).

Today would be great if I could have a talk with my kids about what has motivated me throughout the years to do what I have done. If we could have a real discussion about their lives. If they felt that I am a resource and not judging them.

Daily affirmations; I am…

The person I hoped I would be when I was young.

3 Amazing things that happened today…

1. Smiles were given to me.
2. I was able to focus on what's left of the fields of Utah Valley and the mountains instead of the billboards on my drive home.
3. I found this journal device. :)

How could I have made today better?

By taking digestive enzymes before eating a heavy meal... and sleep spray earlier in order to get some sleep!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Daylight Savings Bleh

We are put through the torture that is called "Daylight Savings Time" every 6 months. "Spring Forward" (lose an hour), "Fall Back" (gain an hour).

It really jacks up my sleep. I hate it.

Life's been fairly good. No big issues for a while, same old challenges (getting to work on time and getting the kids to do their cleaning).

I'm finding new things to do at work. I still find myself asking at times why I'm doing this type of work and not any other type of work. I guess it's that I'm pragmatic, never really thought I could make it as an independent artist, writer etc. Nor a teacher. So I do this.

Well... I'm writing this from a dimly lit room at work since the lights are having issues staying on and no one feels like getting a hold of facilities to come out and fix the issue.

I'm going to rub my blurry eyes and get back to work... ;)


Tuesday, March 4, 2014

"Uncharted" Sara Bareilles

I love this song! :)

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt,
Like anything I've ever felt before, this is
No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe,
No I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, too much to hold,
Everybody has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.

Stuck under the ceiling I made,
I can't help but feeling...


I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

La la la-a-a-a.

[Sara Bareilles - Verse 2]

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So lonely, Never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

Thursday, February 27, 2014


What is jealousy?

Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy.

In some ways it's the perception that someone has what you don't. It's the inner child jumping up and down saying "Notice Me, I am Important!" It's insecurity. Some part of it is sadness at times.

Sadness that life has moved on, circumstance have changed...

I feel it has a bit of regret and frustration built into the mix.

I suppose it has a bit of a diagnostic aspect to it. However it can eat a person inside and out, consume the mind, consume the emotions... and turn one bitter.

Bitterness is a flavor, a flavor that is a part of life... but not a pleasant one to continually taste.

So I'm striving to feel my jealousies, and to move on.


Wednesday, February 19, 2014


I usually find myself in front of a blank screen after having many varied thoughts and conversations going on in my head about my life, why I've done certain things and where I want my life to head.

It's difficult to pinpoint sometimes what the desires of my heart are. Perhaps it is the ever aching need for fulfillment that drives me on. I am looking for fulfillment in my pursuits, in my thoughts, study and in love. I feel deep sadness when people that I love move on from my life. When I become irrelevant to their present happiness. I feel frustrated and empty when I cannot fill the same niche. There is an achy place inside that wants to be relevant to others. However I've found that becoming relevant to others is sometimes an infringement upon my own relevancy. I become a model of their expectations and lose the sense of who I am. This paradox is the mysterious source of struggle for me to maintain my identity and to subvert or become part of a larger, more intimate identity, me + someone else.

I'm 34 years old and still do not live with a sense of mutual interdependence with someone else. Is it ever going to be?

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Silence and Thoughts

I'm going to attempt to put into writing my thoughts about my life the past couple of years, what has driven me to stay silent when speaking up would have been a good thing, why sometimes silence is a temporary answer to a baffling situation and why speaking up is painful.

I've gone through a transformation, no doubt about that. I've come up from a somewhat difficult childhood to a point in my life where my day to day struggle to function as a responsible adult isn't as difficult as it used to be.

I've written before about my belief that I have been harmed by eating a Standard American Diet (SAD for short). I've written that I believe a large part of that harm was caused through the consumption of wheat products. It's hard to quantify how much of an impact diet played in the decisions that I've made but it's easy for me to see that what I lived with before is different from what I live with now. Though some of the traits I've learned over the years have stuck with me.

Personality wise, I have stayed very similar to what I have always been; determined, studious, kind... perhaps a bit too kind. What has kept my silence has been a desire to be kind.

In a way silence is a form of protection. People make assumptions of their own and if they are good you benefit, if they are wrong you at least know that they are wrong and move forward regardless of how they view you. In a way silence is kind. You refuse to throw peoples faults in their faces, you forebear to speak until they are in a better frame of mind. But in some ways kindness is suffocating and killing. Refusing to speak up means that you swallow the hurt and pain. It requires a certain amount of your soul to forebear and speak later. It can make someone strong, or it can slowly deteriorate and kill a free spirit and independent will.

In some ways I'm afraid to speak up, especially when I believe that the other persons reaction to my words will be negative. I'm afraid to lose love, I have lost love and it's painful. But it isn't as painful as having to live with a lie, when it means giving up self-respect and dignity. It isn't as painful as not standing up for my daughter and my sister when I had to... nor is it as painful as what would have happened in Ajey's family and in mine if I had married him. In his case, his sister could have lost a chance to marry well, his parents would have lost their son to America and would have lost his support for their business. Else I would have had to give up my life here in America to move there. My children would have lost home and family and would  have been in a state of confusion. I spoke up and I had to let go of love and friendship.

When I spoke up I did the right thing. There were so many reasons why I wasn't ready to keep going with such a serious and difficult relationship. So many things that I've been able to accomplish for my kids, my home and myself that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. Hopefully I will come around to being the person I am meant to be.

Some quotes about "Thoughts"

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.” 
― Sylvia PlathThe Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert

“Sometimes, I sit alone under the stars
and think of the galaxies inside my
heart, and truly wonder if anyone will
ever want to make sense of all that
I am.” 
― Christopher Poindexter

“There are so many things that demand to be said. Where did you go? Do you ever think about me? You've ruined me. Are you okay? But of course, I can't say any of that.” 
― Gayle FormanWhere She Went

“The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.” 
― Marcus AureliusMeditations

“The universe doesn’t give you what you ask for with your thoughts - it gives you what you demand with your actions.” 
― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free

“Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true—that aren’t really how we feel—but they’re running through our heads anyway because they’re interesting to think about.

If you could hear other people’s thoughts, you’d overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn’t know one from the other. It’d drive you insane. What’s true? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?” 
― Jay AsherThirteen Reasons Why

“The Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is all the joy. We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure... I'm lonely... I'm a failure... I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then, is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras.” 
― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love

“We experience ourselves our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.” 
― Albert Einstein

“You've never lived what you are thinking, and that isn't good. Only the ideas we actually live are of any value.” 
― Hermann Hesse

“I don't know, I don't want to talk as much. (...) It's nicer to think dear, pretty thoughts and keep them in one's heart, like treasures. I don't like to have them laughed at or wondered over.” 
― L.M. MontgomeryAnne of Green Gables

“One of the new things people began to find out in the last century was that thoughts—just mere thoughts—are as powerful as electric batteries—as good for one as sunlight is, or as bad for one as poison. To let a sad thought or a bad one get into your mind is as dangerous as letting a scarlet fever germ get into your body. If you let it stay there after it has got in you may never get over it as long as you live... surprising things can happen to any one who, when a disagreeable or discouraged thought comes into his mind, just has the sense to remember in time and push it out by putting in an agreeable determinedly courageous one. Two things cannot be in one place.

"Where you tend a rose, my lad, A thistle cannot grow.” 
― Frances Hodgson BurnettThe Secret Garden