I struggle with the feeling that I am still battling my own naivete, that I need to be more shrewd, more competent. I know I have passed through the trials of school lectures and tests and yet I feel as though there is no way for me to put what I have learned (if I have learned it) to good use.
I walk a line between the world of business men and woman and feel I lack the competence and even the right sense of style to succeed in that world.
Then I question whether or not that is the right world for me, if I would be better off in a comfortable place doing what I feel like doing.
Yes I feel like an outsider. Not a housewife, to encumbered by the concerns of supporting my family to worry about decorating much, or discussing my children (much). I don't have the energy to worry over everything my kids are up to, I wish I could be around and take them places. I wish I could go to their class and help out. I wish I could deep clean my home, keep it really tidy (never been the best at that), fix things that are broken and paint where the walls need paint. I am an outsider to the housewives.
To the business world I am an outsider, the men I know sit around and discuss football and go golfing together, the women dress well and go out to lunch.
I wish I had the time to exercise enough that I was trim and had the time to shop so that I could be stylish. I suppose some day in the future I will have the time for this...
I'm not sure how to push past these perceived boundaries and be more of who I am, feeling secure in myself rather than in the perception that I must be some other way in order to fit into the social order.
I enjoyed watching "The Greatest Showman" because of the message that was conveyed. Stay true to who you are, be proud of what you are, fit in by being who you are. Plus the music was incredibly powerful!
I probably shall continue feeling different and questioning if I am doing the right things in life. That can't be helped, I suppose it is part of the human condition.